“Too self absorbed to be a mum”

[Broks]

I’ve always carried a bit of extra meat on my body. Nothing extreme but ive been a 12/14 most of my life.

This year I had enough. I was sick of always going for the flattering options. I’ve lost an unbelievable 24 pounds. I feel amazing. No glp 1s. Maybe have another .5 stone to go? More than that I have been toning up like nobody’s business. I’ve built muscle I’ve never seen before. I thought I would probably stop at this point but to be honest I really want to get the dream bod. Once in my life I want to be “that” woman. And for the first time I actually feel confident that I can achieve that

So MIL came over for lunch yesterday. And as usual asked about grandkids. She does it in a tongue in cheek kind of way. But there’s an underlying seriousness to her comments. Anyway, SIL pipped in and said “Broks won’t have kids until she’s had abs”. Okay so this is something I’ve jokingly said but to my hubby and friends. It’s semi true.

MIL basically spat out in avery heroine tone “ well then if that’s the case she’s too self absorbed and vain to be a mother”.

It’s just nasty. I’ve done all the right things to set myself up for motherhood - education, savings, healthy marriage, house etc. But right now I just want to invest in myself. I don’t think that’s self absorbed behaviour.

I have to see MIL this weekend and I really wanna address her bloody condescending behaviour towards me. I’m a grown woman. I can do what the hell i like.

Exactly this. I’ve done it both ways. Of course it was easier with WLI, otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered spending £1.5k on them!

@LoserWinner

i don’t get your point.

NO woman actually likes the changes that pregnancy bring about, but they do it anyway. Just cos Op isn’t doing cartwheels about the prospect of losing her abs doesn’t mean motherhood isn’t for her if she wants it

Well done for your incredible weight loss. It must have taken a lot of discipline and hard work, and you should feel proud.

I think it is worth addressing with your MIL, as often these things can build up and cause more resentment further down the line.

perhaps approach it in a tactful way and explain how her comments made you feel without being accusative.

getting to a good weight and being active will help with pregnancy and setting a good example for children.

First of all, well done! Secondly, thank you for the proof that it can be done. Thirdly, I'd let it go with your MIL.

I don't think it's going to achieve anything if you have go. If she's unpleasant enough to call you self-absorbed to your face like that then she's far too unpleasant to have a moment of clarity and realise you're right, she's wrong, and she must be nice from now on.

I also think there's something else going on. Maybe it's straightforward jealousy. Maybe it's a vague thought that her little boy's wife is doing something for herself. Or maybe it's just a case of seeing you doing things differently from her and instantly feeling the need to claim her way as the True and Right one.

My MIL was like this about literally everything. She even made a moral judgement when I grew lettuce. Yes, LETTUCE.

Me: I'm going to grow some lettuces this year, as well as tomatoes and runner beans.

MIL, with a sniff: Desmond and I were quite content with tomatoes and runner beans.

Translation: "Lettuce? I never grew lettuce. You must therefore think you're better than me. And I must put a stop to that at once by casting you as dreadfully extravagant."

It was nasty. There may be some jealousy at play.

I’ve never been a stalwart at the gym (I prefer snacking) but I admire those who have the discipline

I had a friend who stayed very fit right up to her pregnancy (including abs). She bounced back to her pre-baby figure pretty quickly because of her routine.

You should have told her to fuck off and asked her to leave. I still remember when i was 18 my dad saying I was too selfish to have children so shouldn't ever bother.

Nearly 40 years and 3 children later that comment still stings.

What she said is disgraceful.

God forbid a woman take care of herself by getting fit and enjoy the way she looks. There will always be someone ready to tear her down and tell her how awful she is for that.

@Broks , your MIL is a jealous cow. You're getting in the best shape of your life and she can't stand it. Tell her that's a mean thing to say and ask her what's her problem straight out. But it's pretty simple. She doesn't like you. She sees you as an incubator for her grandkids and that's your only value to her.

Now, why doesn't your husband shut her down when she says nasty things and always bring up grandkids? Don't see her without him being there if she pulls this shit when you're alone with her. In fact, see a lot less of her. She's an unpleasant woman.

Bring in shape is good for you physically and mentally. It's part of a healthy lifestyle and that's a good thing that can improve your life.

Perhaps she should give it to all the posters who can't tell the difference between .5 and 5 stones.

They can't all be sight impaired.

Congratulations on your weight loss so far op. It sounds like you have put a lot of work into it. Absolutely nothing wrong with having goals for your health and well being. Your MIL needs to mind her own business.

Why? To be kind? To be inclusive? To be generous to her partners mother?

She’s nasty.

Your life - live it the way that you want!
My mil makes unkind / negative comments quite often; sort of hidden behind jokey phrases and giggles. Many people have fallen out with her. She’s now in her 70s and still the same - I think she will die like that tbh; and over the years upon reflection I think it comes from a place of insecurity. I just smile and let it go!

Your mil sounds similar but in this scenario it sounds like she is desperate for grandkids and perhaps cross at waiting! Of course you can do as you like. I would say well done on improving your health & fitness; you are in good shape should you wish to have a baby. That doesn’t have to stop you on your journey - yes it will be a challenge and of course you’d be pregnant but you could continue to stay fit etc during pregnancy. Infact I’d strongly suggest you do - I didn’t and subsequently really injured myself.
Best of luck to you xox

Being called vain and self absorbed and not suitable to be a mother to your face is vile. I would have expected your DH to stand up for you and I would not be seeing the MIL this weekend at all, regardless of what the expectations are.

your MIL is very rude. Next time she asks for grandkids, tell her that she's right, you prefer abs!

(in reality - I have abs and go to gym every day, I am also a mother, you can have both)

@JoaNiic

fuck that. It’s none of mil’s business

Why would anyone want to include their MIL in their sex life and reproduction? That's private stuff.

That's beyond enmeshment. Ew.

I hope that was sarcasm. Because ew.

Just laugh it off. Your womb isn't any of her business. Does she really think that comment will encourage you to have kids? She's clearly desperate for you to do so as she never shuts up about it. Assuming women's only purpose in life is to produce offspring?

Have kids if you want, when you want or don't. Do not allow her idiocy or crass comments to influence you either way.

I would think after the event is too late to address it but would be on my guard for similar comments and prepare appropriate responses. I think psychologically speaking defending yourself could be seen as losing the argument as you are engaging with something that is not true so I would probably quite calmly agree with the statement 'if looking after myself is self-absorbed, then I suppose I am' ,shrug my shoulders and change the subject.

It could just be a zen thing of "I got to enjoy having a nice body for a while even if it's only temporary".

Please ignore that utter nonsense. It sounds like you’re going to be an amazing mother when ready. From my own experience, PCOS stole so much of my late 20’s and my confidence. I couldn’t have had a baby even if I wanted (and tried for several years with no success) but especially not without a huge risk to both of us. So I waited. I did use a GLP1 and lost 5 stone in 18 months, got new hobbies and started exercising 3-4 times a week. I felt the very best version of myself, and am now pregnant in my mid-30s. I’m SO happy I lost weight and waited honestly. I cannot imagine being pregnant and uncomfortable at my previous weight. Well done for making these choices. If you do decide to become a mother, you’ve 100% set yourself up for the best pregnancy possible.

As above, give this some thought OP so you’re prepared.

I do not give a second thought to what my body looks like, but I remember glimpsing myself in the mirror during my first pregnancy and being profoundly shocked and thrown by the changes I saw. Not just abs: breast changes, thicker thighs, prominent veins, pigmentation changes. My second pregnancy wasn’t as bad but yikes, I got a shock.

If your abs are THIS important to you, reconcile yourself to possibly dramatic changes in advance of pregnancy.

Not that you're not allowed to be self absorbed but it's better for any future children if their mum is fit and healthy. It sets a good example too and probably means that you'll also feed your children healthy foods.

Not sure I understand people defending WLI's and why they insist it's just as hard to lose weight. Surely the point of them is that it's easier to lose weight? Or they wouldn't exist.

Also, your body won't necessarily change that much.

Sounds to me like MIL is hurt, maybe she’s worried she won’t have time to enjoy her grandkids if it keeps being deferred.
if I were you I’d give her a hug and tell her when you plan to start your family.

Are you for real?? 🤣🤣🤣

Love it lol.

I'd say so. It's almost 2 stone.

Dh wasn’t in earshot

Women don't have to let themselves go in order to be good mothers.