“Too self absorbed to be a mum”

[Broks]

I’ve always carried a bit of extra meat on my body. Nothing extreme but ive been a 12/14 most of my life.

This year I had enough. I was sick of always going for the flattering options. I’ve lost an unbelievable 24 pounds. I feel amazing. No glp 1s. Maybe have another .5 stone to go? More than that I have been toning up like nobody’s business. I’ve built muscle I’ve never seen before. I thought I would probably stop at this point but to be honest I really want to get the dream bod. Once in my life I want to be “that” woman. And for the first time I actually feel confident that I can achieve that

So MIL came over for lunch yesterday. And as usual asked about grandkids. She does it in a tongue in cheek kind of way. But there’s an underlying seriousness to her comments. Anyway, SIL pipped in and said “Broks won’t have kids until she’s had abs”. Okay so this is something I’ve jokingly said but to my hubby and friends. It’s semi true.

MIL basically spat out in avery heroine tone “ well then if that’s the case she’s too self absorbed and vain to be a mother”.

It’s just nasty. I’ve done all the right things to set myself up for motherhood - education, savings, healthy marriage, house etc. But right now I just want to invest in myself. I don’t think that’s self absorbed behaviour.

I have to see MIL this weekend and I really wanna address her bloody condescending behaviour towards me. I’m a grown woman. I can do what the hell i like.

Who else should you be absorbed in if not yourself?

Do what you like, and you don't need to respond to any of those comments with anything other than a wry smile, a puzzled face, or a roar of laughter. It's really nor worth giving it oxygen.

Hope your DH is also on a health tip. It will make TTC much easier ;)

Well done on your weight loss. I think your fitness goals are great and you will have a much healthier pregnancy if you start off fit and strong. It’s your body and your life. Next time she comments either rise above and ignore or tell her she’s being rude and you’ll have children when you are ready.

Well for me I mentioned it cause the weight loss was not aided with jabs. It was extremely hard work. I think you are projecting personally. I can mention my weight loss was unaided. It’s your choice to see that as a dig

No she hasn't. She's being an utter arse.

It's actually such a good idea to get superfit before getting pregnant. I had an incredibly strong core back then, and it meant I had no backache at all throughout pregnancy. Nor a saggy belly afterwards. (That came later ) And my arms were strong enough to have a baby in one hand, a toddler in the other, with no danger of dropping either of them.

All that you have discovered from that conversation is that she can be spiteful about you.

Wow! MIL got here quick

MIL sounds bitchy and judgemental. Are women meant to give up exercise and looking after themselves when they have children?! I haven’t. If your husband hasn’t had a word with his mother then in your shoes l definitely would

She said .5 so half a stone.

Yes, or tell her that having a strong core is highly recommended in pregnancy and for post partum health.

Keep at it, OP. I admire your passion for getting fit and strong.

If anyone thinks this is self-absorbed then just replace 'don't want to TTC until I've got to my perfect weight/size' with 'don't want to TTC until I've got the promotion'. It's the same, but people place different values on looks vs career. Both are things we largely do for ourselves, our self-esteem, our sense of self, so what?

And frankly of course everyone is self-absorbed before they have kids? Why the hell would I get up at 5am every day for 6 years straight to look after a human being if I hadn't had kids?! The whole point of having kids is that you have to put them before you. Which sort of implies that until you do have them, you get to put yourself first...

(Also, your DH needs to tell your MIL to butt out re 'when are you going to have kids' comments. My DH had to do this when MIL was 'lightheartedly' nagging about grandkids and we'd already spent a year unsuccessfully TTC.)

Unbelievable that 25% think YABU for wanting to get fit and only have children when you choose. Could it be they are chubby mummies who are jealous of your goals and your determination?

How so? The OP has lost weight and upped her fitness levels, she has a goal she wants to achieve before she has children. She obviously feels the time to have a baby just now isn’t the right time for her. Good on her.

She’s a bitch.
How dare she?
You don’t owe anyone children or grandchildren.
Your body is yours to enjoy and live in as you like.

How satisfying it would be to say something like “Weird that being vain and self-absorbed disqualifies from motherhood when being a spiteful cow obviously doesn’t?”

However, don’t bring it up again. I would avoid seeing the old bat as much as possible, but when you unavoidably do, just Rise above.

Also anyone who’s ever dieted knows losing weight is far harder without WLIs than with. Going without food you’d like to eat using willpower is a world away from having no appetite. That’s precisely why most people use WLIs. OP is allowed to state this fact as it highlights how hard she is working and how withering her MILs disregard of this is.

She wants to lose another half of a stone, not 5 stone.

In assertiveness training we always say, it’s never too late to address a difficult issue. So the people saying you didn’t address it at the time and now it’s too late are wrong.
you would say something like
‘name, i’ve been thinking about something you said last time we spoke, and it really upset me. I felt hurt and criticised. Please don’t say anything like that again.’

you don’t have to get into an argument. You don’t have to have a huge conversation about it. You don’t have to defend yourself. You just make the statement and let it drop.

Ohh well guess by her standards i shouldnt have had kids either. I keep slim, hike, worl out at the gym. I also happen to have 3 kids who are fit.and active to because they were set a positive example. I feel its important to stay fit as I have 3 kids to chase after. I can run after them on there scooters to school, Cycle with them etc. They love it. Its not vain to look after yourself.

You don't owe her grandchildren. Nothing more needs to be said and she should butt out unless you decide you do want to have a baby and you're ready to share the happy news, if it happens.

But seeing as something like around 30% of women won't have children, it's far from a given to have them or unusual if you don't.

Well done OP.
I never understand any accepting being insulted by someone and taking it.

She was rude and nasty.
Take huge offence and tell her and your husband until she apologises sincerely, you don't want to see her.

As for having children with a man who would accept his mother treating you like that?
I really wouldn't.
Not worth it.

That nasty cow wouldn't be around any child i had.

You need to bite back hard or this is your future.

Well done. It is bloody hard work losing weight without jabs.

Tell your MIL to mind her own ovaries.

So what?
Even if you are, that's fine!
You are under no obligation to reproduce if you dont want to. For any reason.
If you want children and you want to ensure you are as physically healthy as possible before you have children, that's good too.

As OP was a size 12/14, I would imagine that losing nearly two stone would be a very noticeable weight loss.

In the short time I was married I went nuclear with my MIL when she made personal remarks about myself and my home. I told her to "Eff off back to Esher if she didn't like it." I went no contact after that. I can be a bitch.

I once scared a would be obscene phone caller so badly he rang back to apologise.

It seems immature to jump to insulting the MIL just because you didn’t like her comment. I’m sure we’ve all put our foot in it at times.
Sounds to me like MIL is hurt, maybe she’s worried she won’t have time to enjoy her grandkids if it keeps being deferred.
if I were you I’d give her a hug and tell her when you plan to start your family.

You've just made clear it was a dig.

Your say your weight loss was 'extremely hard work' so you must think it's not hard work for people who use GLP1. You think it's easy for them, they cheated in a way whereas you the better person worked hard and suffered.

Think of it like giving birth to a child - you tell people you did it unaided, no gas and air, no pethidine, no epidural and so on. You did it by 'hard work' and you're proud of that.

If you go around making sure you tell people you didn't need any intervention because you 'worked hard' you're implying that people who did have some assistance didn't work as hard as you, they cheated or took a short cut or whatever but the message is -you did it better, the real hard way.

It's not anyone projecting anything to say you should look at that attitude and the themes about women that youve absorbed even if unconciously.

Same as saying your weight loss, muscle building, toning etc is so you can be that woman'. What does that mean to you? because when people say that they usually mean 'the woman that men want and other women envy'. The 'better woman' than all those inferior women who don't care about abs or looking 'better' than all the rest.

While you and posters are replying to attack your MIL they're ignoring the sentence when you said your SIL said you wont kids till you've got abs. Which you admitted you've said to people as a joke but also said it was semi-true.

In which case, delaying children until youve achieved your perfect body suggests you are self-absorbed or have a really unhealthy attitude to your body and fitness which could indicate deeper problems.

The comment wasn’t a tactless throwaway comment though, was it? It was rude. Why should OP have to give MIL her reproductive schedule?

It is 100% harder work to lose weight naturally or the jabs wouldn't exist / be so popular.

People should be proud of losing weight naturally it doesn't mean they are shaming people on jabs.