“Too self absorbed to be a mum”

[Broks]

I’ve always carried a bit of extra meat on my body. Nothing extreme but ive been a 12/14 most of my life.

This year I had enough. I was sick of always going for the flattering options. I’ve lost an unbelievable 24 pounds. I feel amazing. No glp 1s. Maybe have another .5 stone to go? More than that I have been toning up like nobody’s business. I’ve built muscle I’ve never seen before. I thought I would probably stop at this point but to be honest I really want to get the dream bod. Once in my life I want to be “that” woman. And for the first time I actually feel confident that I can achieve that

So MIL came over for lunch yesterday. And as usual asked about grandkids. She does it in a tongue in cheek kind of way. But there’s an underlying seriousness to her comments. Anyway, SIL pipped in and said “Broks won’t have kids until she’s had abs”. Okay so this is something I’ve jokingly said but to my hubby and friends. It’s semi true.

MIL basically spat out in avery heroine tone “ well then if that’s the case she’s too self absorbed and vain to be a mother”.

It’s just nasty. I’ve done all the right things to set myself up for motherhood - education, savings, healthy marriage, house etc. But right now I just want to invest in myself. I don’t think that’s self absorbed behaviour.

I have to see MIL this weekend and I really wanna address her bloody condescending behaviour towards me. I’m a grown woman. I can do what the hell i like.

So be self absorbed and vain and love it. Tell her you agree and that yes, right now you are living your best life and being ultra selfish, and shut her up. I see nothing wrong.

She's the kind that will be the grandmother from hell. So on top of working out, you need to work on some thicker skin.

Is the MIL one of those women who thinks that once you have kids that's your life over and you only ever live for your kids after that?

If so, I am self-absorbed too because I do things for me and did from when ds was pretty small.

If she says anything like that again, say “when you make negative comments like that, I feel really upset and angry.” Simple to the point communication without being rude. Hopefully she will apologize, but obviously she may well not.

Your MIL would have been sniping about you because you were formerly over weight. You'll never get it right.
She is basically a catty cow.
Don't bother trying to discuss, she has no right you decide whether you would be a good mother or not, but she is not intelligent enough to understand, that if you are getting a grip on your health & body, it may well be because you want a child to have a caring, healthy, motivated mother.

I agree, 100%. The key thing is that if the OP plans a pregnancy in future, it’s wise to have thought through in advance what impact it will have on the fabulous body she’s spent so much time and energy to acquire. MN has so many posts from people who are thoroughly miserable with their post-baby bodies, and I so feel for their pain.

Conceiving a child is no one else's business in fairness, apart from your DH, but you obviously tell your friends and family your plans so it will invite comments etc.

But I also think it is odd to finally be a perfect situation to conceive, yet suddenly chase the 'perfect' body as a milestone to achieve before children (especially when you've spent your life being a 12/14 and seemingly content with that) only for the pregnancy itself to undo your dream body.. it seems to be the equivalent of "I'll start my diet tomorrow", just a way of postponing something you don't really want to do.

If you don't want children right now that's fair enough, but if you only want them once you've achieved "perfection" than you MIL may have a point.

get real. If it is just as hard using them as not using them, then most people would still be doing it without them.

Amen.

Obviously. People like this choose their moments carefully.

It's quite a significant weight loss if you're already not very big. Obviously the bigger you are the more you can lose and indeed you tend to lose faster when bigger. For a woman of around size 12/14, that amount of weight wouldn't drop off very easily..

Why? Can't be a mum unless she is overweight? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I don't think OP is stupid, she understands that your body will change. But if you were fit before it's easier to get your fitness back postpartum (and pregnancy itself is likely to be easier) . Nothing wrong with trying to be as fit as possible before having kids.

You misunderstand. I’m not trying to put down the OP, just flagging up the relationship between how one feels about a fit, toned pre-pregnancy body and the realities of pregnancy and post natal bodies. While one person may be happy and proud of what their body has achieved to produce a baby, and be ok with a post baby body, another may look in the mirror and want to cry because they have lost the figure they worked so hard to achieve.

Alright judgey. The only thing that annoyed me about the original post was "I've done all the right things". As sometimes fertility doesn't work that way. But that wasn't meant maliciously. Just ignore her. Well done on the weightless!

Why are women so bloody obsessed with having grand kids. Do children define women, no matter what stage of life they're in?

OP said she wanted to lose another nought point 5 of a stone, i.e. half a stone.

Ignore the haters here. Fair play to you. Maybe let it slide this time.but if it happens again call her out there and then . Get those abs 💪

How did she shame people on weight loss injections?

No she doesn't, it's a ridiculous thing to say.

There are, unfortunately, people who think it's a woman's "duty" to have children. And when they do, to subjugate themselves to the role of motherhood.

Usually it's people who feel they have sacrificed dedicated their lives to their children/family, and, frankly I put it down to jealousy and/or a desire to stop anyone else choosing differently.

@Broks pay it no attention (and stop giving it head space). Like pp I don't see any point in bringing it up, just smile and let it flow over you

Just wait until she mentions grandkids again and reply with “Oh that won’t be happening anymore, I’m far too self absorbed apparently!”

Whilst this is true, there are plenty who are very happy with their post baby bodies too.

For example, I was back to a flat stomach within 4 days of all three of my births and I've read plenty of similar stories on MN.

I have no idea why but the midwives said it was probably because my stomach muscles were strong and tight.

I think she just meant that you’re now focused on your body image, so kids won’t be on the agenda for a while! There is nothing wrong with feeling proud of your body and enjoying it. Well done you 👏 Just take it with a pinch of salt as it really doesn’t matter to what others say or think. I got into really good shape for a few years before having children. I really enjoyed it and so should you.

Do you even want kids?

We need to know what happened at the time. Next time she is rude you need to show her straight away that you won’t be tolerating it.

Your mother in law is completely out of line in making any comment about grandchildren and certainly in giving any opinion about you. In fact she has no business passing any opinions on you or your home/situation/relationship unless invited to.

However you don’t want a rift because that will make life difficult. I would try not to see her this weekend. Next time she is out of line quietly and calmly let her know. Don’t argue - just say “I don’t find that an acceptable comment” and leave it hanging.

I think I would talk to your husband as well so he is aware of her comments and let him know you don’t find them acceptable. Up to you whether you ask him to speak with her about them and ask her to keep her opinions to herself.

My mil came and was very rude and we simply stopped inviting her. When she asked to come at Christmas we said no, we’d go to her. She didn’t want to cook so we said fine, we’ll take you out, you choose the restaurant. So she can’t complain but we minimised contact. She has now started behaving a bit better so we’ve relaxed thing a slightly. I will add this was driven by my husband who didn’t like the way she spoke to me and our daughters.

Parents and mothers in law have more to lose than you do if their behaviour is unpleasant. They need a firm hand.