To ask you if you’d date this man?

[BlueSandals]

To ask if you’d date this man if you found him attractive and in your age bracket and you are heterosexual female?

He is 53. Healthcare worker, interesting hobbies, seems very sensitive and caring. Intelligent. Interesting. Funny. Well travelled. Outgoing.

But…

He’s in the middle of a divorce. His ex has moved out of the family home to a smaller rented home and won’t see him face to face. They haven’t had contact in person for over a year. He lives in what was the family home. Has a teenage child that he doesn’t see. He says she has turned the child against him and she is an abusive narcissist. Nothing comes up on Claire’s law about him. The child apparently has behavioural issues due to his ex’s poor parenting in his view.

I am glad you posted and that you got something from it. Maybe it helped you reflect on how you were groomed etc and how you have made the monumental effort to move out with you DC - for which you should be very proud. Also maybe have some compassion for the person you used to be who suffered. It’s hard to come to terms with how they were unable to ‘behave’ for you and your DC - but on the surface seems to be doing so now. But as you know if you have done any recovery work it’s an ‘when’ not ‘if’ his mask slips or his GF works it all out.

It’s perfectly normal to take a moment to readjust after trauma each time the environment changes (eg the new GF).

Keep focusing on restoring and rebuilding your own emotional core so that your DC sees how recovery and resilience looks and feels. Put him in the rear view mirror and screech off leaving him in the dust.

NO

Yes I don't doubt that he's a bastard. Honestly, I don't.

Trouble is some women don't care if he's charming and handsome enough.

I know this from experience of those around me. I've seen enough handsome, charming men in my family get new women easily even if they're not particularly nice people. To say the least. Not immediate family.

See the thing is most women would be glad he is someone else's problem if all romantic feelings gone.
Not exactly selfless but understandable.
Or not care.

If you've still got romantic feelings that's fair enough.
If you're jealous of his lifestyle, fair enough.
Sounds it might be the latter.

No judgement, these things are complicated.
Obviously you don't have to reply.

Absolutely not.

This is exactly what I was thinking.

Hmm, I’d not like to date someone going through a messy divorce. Then I’d like to hear more about the alleged ex’s behaviour. It seems very odd for a man to be no contact with his child, that is the part that would really concern me.

That made me cry in a good way. Thank you so much 🙏

Not for a solid gold elephant. Red flags all over this.

No. He has a teenage child he doesn't see who has behavioural problems, he's not on good terms with his ex and he's going through a messy divorce.

The whole situation has the potential of being a shit show. It isn't something I'd want to be part of.

I’m sorry to say I would give him a chance and find out the reality …
26 years ago my DH was in the EXACT same position.. their mother was a sahp with an au pair and a cleaner every other day.. she was having an affair with her tennis coach who was also married .. husband was an IT contractor working away from home Tuesday-Friday.. she made his life hell when he came home , as it ‘disturbed their lives’ . He left after 2 years of feeling ostracised in his own home .. all seemed much happier and she was super happy for the 4 kids to spend as much time as they liked with dad . 18 months later I met him. Suddenly the narrative changed . He was a controlling narcissist.. abusive .. blah blah .. the kids don’t want to see him as mum spin the same narrative to them . When her lover finally divorced and moved in the kids were once again encouraged to see dad because she wanted time with her man ..
We have been married for 23 years and have a fabulous relationship with his kids and a sticky one with mum for all the lies .

Dont trust everything you hear on MN ! Some blokes just get the rough end of the deal… you can cry abuse and have the evidence.. and be believed, sadly you can cry abuse with no evidence and still be believed simply because you are a woman . (and yes I do know some women say nothing It’s not that simple .. but their demeanour and behaviour give it credence )

My exh.. he's a shit.

@BlueSandals wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole. Just too messy even if he's telling the truth.

Yes possibly. I’d use my intuition. Take things very slowly. And keep strong boundaries at the beginning.

Far too messy. Disaster waiting to happen.

No. The ex refuses to see him as does his daughter for a reason. Beware men who say their ex is a narcissist abuser who has turned the child against him he’s usually describing himself

The fact his ex left with their child would make me worry that they fled DV - very unusual for dad to stay in family home alone in typical separation/divorce

Read the full thread people...

Yep exactly what I thought too.

I bet the OP has a apartment or house almost or mortgage free or family property to inherit one fine day and he sussed it out.

People like him do the homework very well.

I have.
She's clearly envious of his lifestyle or still got romantic feelings for him.
Honestly, if he's that bad (she's no reason to lie so I believe her) -she'd be glad he's somebody else's problem.
A sigh of relief and cause for celebration.

Not exactly a selfless reaction but an understandable human one.

I'm not judging her for this, but I think it's important she recognises it instead of posting threads here about whether or not other women will want him.

Because I can assure her that they will.

Most women here I guess are coupled up.
It's a hypothetical situation and to be honest a lot of women would get involved with a man like him if he was handsome and charming enough.
Obviously not all but the OP should not go away from here thinking nobody else will want him.

Then find out he's with somebody else and get pissed off about it.

That's the problem with reverses/ reveals: few people read the full thread so the thread turns into an unintelligible mess.
@CryptoFascist

no. He’s not (yet) free to be dated

Nope. Anyone who says they have a crazy ex is the nuts one themselves. The no face-to-face shows he's probably an abuser. And who forces his children out of their home so they can live there alone?

I spent over 20 years married to a narcissist. I also grew up with a narcissistic parent so to me it was perfectly normal and I was led to believe that most of it was apparently all my fault. 16 years after I divorced him and having had numerous counselling sessions, I still have days where I get flashbacks and have to give myself a shake to get out of the funk. I still find pleasure in small day to day things that I wasn’t allowed to do growing up or when I was married. Recovery from abuse is ongoing and never really ends.

He has not been truthful about why the relationship has ended here. Rewriting history to suit his own narrative. No chance in hell.

Lies from the pit of hell. Anyway, might be projecting a bit as I’m going through a messy divorce from my ex claiming he can’t be in our children’s lives because we don’t live together hahahah girl just let that man go or like another poster said have a fling if the chemistry is fire. I tell you this for nothing if that man was as great as he sounds why is he ex not with him??? Men love to label women crazy so they don’t take any accountability, how did she get crazy? And like another poster said who puts out his wife and child to stay in the family home??? I bet his owns that house solely.

Nope. There’s a reason the child wants nothing to do with him and it’s 99% of the time because they’re the problem. My son doesn’t see his dad because he’s an abusive, narcissist who thinks it’s ok to beat women. Stay far away!