To ask you if you’d date this man?

[BlueSandals]

To ask if you’d date this man if you found him attractive and in your age bracket and you are heterosexual female?

He is 53. Healthcare worker, interesting hobbies, seems very sensitive and caring. Intelligent. Interesting. Funny. Well travelled. Outgoing.

But…

He’s in the middle of a divorce. His ex has moved out of the family home to a smaller rented home and won’t see him face to face. They haven’t had contact in person for over a year. He lives in what was the family home. Has a teenage child that he doesn’t see. He says she has turned the child against him and she is an abusive narcissist. Nothing comes up on Claire’s law about him. The child apparently has behavioural issues due to his ex’s poor parenting in his view.

I know. I don’t think I’d have believed his ex back then anyway. Selfishly, I’m hoping it helps to steer him towards less antagonistic behaviour and gives him motivation to move the divorce forward. But I would not wish what I’ve been through and am still going through on anyone 😔

Glad you got out.

Hardest thing I’ve done. Still hardest time of my life. But zero regrets. And am so glad I had this space to get objective advice. It was the start of the scales falling.

I would, but I am not necessarily looking for anything serious, and don’t tend to fall for people, or let my emotions overwhelm me. I can’t tell you the last time I found someone my own age attractive, so the benefits of a fling would outweigh the negatives for me.

Hmmm you're really not over him are you?

Forget writing about him on internet forums and asking strangers what they think regarding his new relationship.

That's not going to help you get past this.

Just try to phase him out of your brain.

exactly this! I’ve seen it happen so for. The man stays in the home and the children move out with their mum.

I think it could leave you vulnerable to further abuse if you got involved. He sounds like the narcissist here and he could react very badly if he discovered you “warned off” a new partner. Obviously if you think this woman would be at physical risk from him, I’d call the police and let them deal with it. Narcissists will also sometimes engage in financial abuse post-separation, eg letting the house get repossessed or damaging it, just to spite you. So keep focusing on yourself and keep avoiding him like the plague, which it sounds like your child is also doing. Get the house sold and then you can finally be free of him.

I wouldn't, no.

I don't want a man who's not fully divorced.
I don't want a man with children from other women.
I don't trust men whose children don't see them. There must be a reason for it...

No. I’m not over him but not in the missing him sense. Or not wanting him to move on sense. I’m still recovering. And still being mistreated in numerous ways. So no. Not over it at all. But not in a sad, wistful way. I was just curious and a little sad for the woman who won’t have a clue how things might pan out.

Just from another perspective, my dh was still living in his family home when I met him (albeit in a cottage in the grounds) and his dd didn’t speak to him. Turns out she had cut him off in order to get some money out of him when they reconciled, which worked a treat.

im just saying each situation is different. Had I posted here I’d have been told to run a mile. He now has an excellent relationship with his dd and someone else would be with my incredible dh instead of me.

You can take the advice here but no one understands your particular situation as well as you.

There's what he says and what he does.

I wouldn't date him, like most people have said:

• what a messy, horrible sounding drama to get involved in
• the old "crazy, narc ex" chestnut is a massive red flag. He may not be lying, but I wouldn't take the chance, too fucking risky

(Posted before reading all OP's update, what a rookie mistake! Sorry! I'm glad you out OP!)

Yes exactly. Unfortunately there are abusive, horrible people of both sexes.

Anyway OP, glad you've come out the other side

Let me translate for you:

He’s in the middle of a divorce - messy, rebound
His ex has moved out of the family home to a smaller rented home and won’t see him face to face - because he is abusive.
They haven’t had contact in person for over a year - because he's abusive.
He lives in what was the family home - terrible father allowing his child to be uprooted.
Has a teenage child that he doesn’t see - says it all about his fathering skills.
He says she has turned the child against him and she is an abusive narcissist - DARVO
Nothing comes up on Claire’s law about him - yet.
The child apparently has behavioural issues due to his ex’s poor parenting in his view - DARVO.

So may red flags.

I think this is a really good description. I've seen people on threads like this saying this sort of thing - just forget about it, move on, etc. And of course, they're right. But it's hard.

In this specific case, there are a lot of women who haven't learned about these kind of men so they fall for the stories. Look at how many of the people on this thread did not doubt that you really were planning to date this man... we know women get taken in.

Words are cheap. He's blaming his ex for him not persevering with keeping contact. Best avoided.

According to my ex, I'm a crazy narcissist who turned his child against him.

In reality, he kept getting drunk, beating me up and smashing things in the house, so I divorced him for domestic violence.

He then continued to be abusive through our child on access visits so it went back to court and they withdrew his access altogether.

Good to see you got out.

Dont be too concerned about the new woman, you're not obligated to warn her, you'll feed the narrative that youre the crazy ex.

Actions not words!

No chance.

I know things have moved on and this is a weird reverse BUT there is no way on Earth I'd get involved with anyone in the process of a "messy divorce" and that is taking aside the fact the child doesn't want to see him and he is still in the family home (I know there are reasons the wife wouldn't want to be in the family home and I know in this instance the family home is being sold but in general a man who keeps the home and lets the kid/s move out is an utter bastard)

🚩 🚩 🚩

No way!!

Yes, if it's not his fault. Anyone of us could end up in this situation. Some parents do awful things, like tell their kids their mum/dad hasn't turned up-when that parent really wanted to.
At this point you don't know what's true, but innocent until proven guilty.

My dad fleeced my mum out of the family home. And fiddled the child maintenance to only pay her £5 per week. And got aggy when he had to pay his FIVE! pounds until I was 19 (stayed in education). Oh and he recently signed up to some awful equity release scheme on his paid off mortgage, so out of that fleecing of my mum, he will leave nothing to their children. And wonders why I don’t stay in touch that often 🤔 🤣🤣

And I am sure he genuinely believes my mum “turned me against” him not his many other strange actions!

So he admits he had fuck all to do with raising his child if their behaviour is down to his ex’s parenting - what was he up to while she was bringing him up 100% alone in their house?

edit - just seen it’s a reverse - my point still stands with him blaming you, OP - he’s admitting he had no input - no excuses for being a shit dad

Thank goodness. There is a woman out there without any sense, but at least it is not OP.