To ask you if you’d date this man?

[BlueSandals]

To ask if you’d date this man if you found him attractive and in your age bracket and you are heterosexual female?

He is 53. Healthcare worker, interesting hobbies, seems very sensitive and caring. Intelligent. Interesting. Funny. Well travelled. Outgoing.

But…

He’s in the middle of a divorce. His ex has moved out of the family home to a smaller rented home and won’t see him face to face. They haven’t had contact in person for over a year. He lives in what was the family home. Has a teenage child that he doesn’t see. He says she has turned the child against him and she is an abusive narcissist. Nothing comes up on Claire’s law about him. The child apparently has behavioural issues due to his ex’s poor parenting in his view.

hhhmmm I think I would but I would be very wary that he could be the problem there however maybe he is being truthful (yes I understand some times crazy ex is actually crazy him but not every time) so if I liked him a lot I would at least give him a chance.

Tell us some more about “when things got volatile” …

That’s a very good point actually. With my DP, his ex often makes lurid claims of historic abuse against him and says that she’s terrified of him but she will take every opportunity available to see him, will engineer every situation you could imagine why she needs to contact him, why she needs to come over, why she needs to discuss something apparently crucial with him (that is totally unimportant). He wants no contact and tries hard to avoid it whereas she seeks it out at every cost. If they’re at school events, she will drag her chair over to sit next to him. He usually brings spare bags along so that he can barricade himself 😂 She will also text him and demand he drops things off at hers and will change arrangements at the last minute to try to mess with his head. Oh and she also sometimes tells the kids that they might be getting back together.

So yes, a claimed narcissistic ex who has had no contact for a year would raise a red flag because that categorically is not how they behave at all.

Tricky one !!!
I wouldn't take too much on other people opinions because he may be telling the truth he may be still hurting and lashing out (bad mouthing ex)
Or on the other hand he could be a bastard the only way u will know is if U go in with your EYES WIDE OPEN !!
Go with your gut and don't let him love bomb u it shouldn't take long to see the truth especially if U have strong boundaries and u stick to them !
The reason I say there are 2 sides I have seen what my son's ex did to him and in the beginning he was super angry and hurt ! And he did mad mouth her (no children involved thou and why isn't he getting social involved if she is such a bad parent )

One step away from being a cocklodger!

His house is up for sale, i can bet hes not actively looking for suitable accommodations, well aside from trying to find a new relationship, someone with a house - 2 birds one stone!

No. Wait for the dust to settle.

I think the OP has been dickmatised

😂😂😂 Same

Yes, it's sad if he is the victim here (a big if) but having experienced similar, see my post above, I feared for my own safety thus sadly had to say goodbye.

I have seen him out and about and he appears to be in a good relationship now and I'm pleased for him.
I wasn't going to risk getting attacked by a jealous psycho ex, though.

I think in OP's case, whichever scenario is true, she's best off out of it.

What is his plan for somewhere to live when his house sells? What was his response when you made it clear it won't be with you?

As a comfortably placed homeowner, I have found you learn a lot by telling men how much you love having your own place and how you have no intention of sharing it with amyone ever again.

Strong disagree. She needs to stop it before she gets too attached.

Oh no, not the old 'she's turned the kid(s) against me' line. No.

No, I wouldn’t.

No ma'am.

At almost 45 years old and long-term single, I have worked hard to build a very serene life. I'm not inviting anyone with any form of drama into my space. Nope!

I wouldn't even take him on as a lover. A glass of wine, a sigh, a what's up; and his problems become 'sofa/pillow talk'.
Nope! I haven't the capacity for any of that.

Run

So where was he when his ex was doing all this awful parenting that led to their child having behavioural issues?

Or was he the perfect dad for the child’s entire life and it’s just in the last year whilst the child has been “turned against him” that these behavioural issues have emerged and the refusal to see his dad has come out of nowhere?

What a coincidence….. 🙄

Well that is instantly proved isn't it. Messages, emails, lawyers, support groups, etc he can really easily show you how he has been desperately trying to gain contact. Long list of unanswered messages from him to them..... Some might be private and you shouldn't read them, but at a glance you can see if he's attempting contact. My male friend did get stopped from seeing his kids, took a few weeks but he was see them again as he went through lawyers and no issues to stop him apart from difficult break up, quickly sorted

One row wouldn't have messed up a great relationship. He needs to take accountability.

Full disclosure. I’m the ‘crazy narcissist’ ex. I’ve just found out he is indeed dating.

I am divorcing him thanks to the wisdom of the women of MN after I posted a few AIBU and was helped to understand his behaviour wasn’t acceptable and I’m getting more used to labelling it as abuse - I’ve been told it was by many people but for some reason I find it hard to accept that label. It’s shameful I guess.

I can not believe that someone is dating him! But then he was completely convincing about his ex when I met him and he’s so convincing that I even believe that I am completely to blame still sometimes. It’s a total mind f**k.

But it’s helpful to know that most of you would see the warning signs. I just hope this woman keeps a healthy scepticism and doesn’t get too embroiled too quickly. Although it took me many many years to clock the issues and I’m not stupid.

Anyway, apologies for the subterfuge. I wanted to hear objective views.

Yes, I agree with all of this.

I'm really not saying that the OP should date him - as a PP said, even if he has escaped an abusive relationship, why would you invite that level of drama into your life?

My argument was really more with the people who are implying that any man who says his ex was abusive or unstable is obviously lying and/or that any conflict must obviously have been his fault because men are cunts and women are never abusive.

For once, I am very pleased this was a reverse.

I'm sure that you are correct, however, who wants to be the next victim of a jealous narcissist who's angry that you're with 'their' man.

Even if the woman broke it off, she still feels ownership over her victim forever.
It's just what narcissists are like.

Normal people are like, 'Oh I broke it off with him he's with somebody else now' and either won't care or be pleased that he's met someone else- either out of care or to alleviate guilt.

One whose wife walked out on him?

No, the whole thing sounds like a disaster and he's right in the thick of it. Stand well back.

Sounds like you’re way better out of it. Yes my big red flag would be that you’re not wanting anything to do with him and that you chose to move out into rented accommodation to get away. Narcissistic people would want the exact opposite.
I guess the new woman will find out the hard way. After all, you were hoodwinked too when you met him. Nothing that you can do about it sadly.