To ask you if you’d date this man?

[BlueSandals]

To ask if you’d date this man if you found him attractive and in your age bracket and you are heterosexual female?

He is 53. Healthcare worker, interesting hobbies, seems very sensitive and caring. Intelligent. Interesting. Funny. Well travelled. Outgoing.

But…

He’s in the middle of a divorce. His ex has moved out of the family home to a smaller rented home and won’t see him face to face. They haven’t had contact in person for over a year. He lives in what was the family home. Has a teenage child that he doesn’t see. He says she has turned the child against him and she is an abusive narcissist. Nothing comes up on Claire’s law about him. The child apparently has behavioural issues due to his ex’s poor parenting in his view.

Do not date that man OP!

You’re not in the NW are you?! I had a date with a guy who was clearly a walking red flag and he sounds as awful as yours. Not 2 minutes into our drinks, he’d launched into a tirade about his ex and how his 14 yo had been ‘manipulated’ against seeing him. Apparently the family courts ‘always’ take the mums side and so he’s not allowed to see his teen at all. Knowing what I do about family courts, I knew he was talking utter BS and couldn’t get away from him quick enough. Later that night he texted me to say he’d love to see me again as he’d enjoyed our ‘chat’ I.e him ranting at me and me leaving in less than hour! Delusional and dangerous.

No

This is a man who has no business dating right now. He is not divorced yet. More importantly, he has substantial issues with his teenage child that should be his primary focus. His time, money, and energy should be going towards his troubled child, not his social life.

That the man thinks he has room for dating in his life shows that he is not dating material.

Any man in this situation, who prioritises finding a new woman rather than fighting to mend his relationship with his child is a walking red flag.

Objectively is this the drama and dynamic you want in your life now and for your future?

No because I just think there must be better options out there. Sounds like the sort of situation a woman would wilfully enter despite knowing the details then realise a year or so down the line HE is definitely the issue when it was obvious all along. Just find someone without the shit drama.

Let’s just assume that he’s being totally honest about his circumstances. Even then, why the fuck would you want to get embroiled in all that? And trust me, you will become embroiled. It’s just not your problem.

Is a relationship really worth that amount of hassle, stress, disruption, especially when it’s not your own hassle, stress, disruption.

Harsh on him I know, but you need to look out for yourself. You owe him nothing.

Yep!

Hell no. I am always suspicious of a man who slags off his exes.

This is absolutely the kind of bollocks I bet my ex is out there spouting to anyone who will listen. I know, because he tells me too. Sadly, some men tell themselves this stuff to feel better, then it becomes their reality. Regardless, why would you want to get in the middle of it all?

No because if he was that concerned about how mental his ex was he'd be fighting tooth and nail and going via social services to make sure his child isn't left with someone that unhinged...

Just leaving them to it makes me think he's actually the problem and that would be a red flag for me. Narcissists also tend to force communication and make things difficult in order to continue control. Not avoid completely and try to make a clean break.

No way. I'm not sure a narcissist would leave the house anyway; she'd be more likely to make it impossible for him to stay.

Yep found this out the hard way. Anyone who describes an ex as crazy, is a red flag. You realise after the relationship why they were ‘crazy’ 😂

Even if he's telling the truth (unlikely but let's imagine that he is) do you really want all that drama in your life?
Maybe he is a good guy with a narcissistic ex, do you want HER in your life and a teenage child?

So whatever way you look at it, it's a bad idea.

It's unrealistic at your age to date somebody who's not divorced/out of long term relationship if you're looking for somebody of similar age, so what you're looking for is a man who is cordial with his ex and talks about her in a detached but civil way.

If you like him then go for it

No. Obviousky break ups are difficult and likely to result in some issues, but he's not taking any responsibility. Everything is someone else's fault.

No.

Absolutely not, I wouldn't touch him. What a repellent spin on his situation.

That’s true, but then that same age child would be too old to not be able to make her own mind up about her dad.

No, because the idea that this man thinks he's in a good place to date, midway through a messy divorce which will involve the sale of the former marital home where he lives, father of a child he doesn't see and whose behaviour issues he blames on the poor parenting of his 'narcissistic abusive ex', suggests he is pretty deluded. Regardless of the truth of any of it. I mean, there are men out there who are interesting and have cool hobbies, and don't come weighed down with baggage that would sink a cruise ship.

What kind of man stays in the family home while his wife and son move out causing lots of instability for the son. This is a huge red flag. Run fast and don't look back!

I probably would! But I am a bit of a mess when it comes to men and relationships.

Things got volatile between them and they had a massive row. That was the trigger.

Your responses suggest you’ll date him anyway. I’m putting a tenner on love bombing then moving in with you when his house sale happens. He loves you so much you see. Maybe I’m just cynical, so why not tell him you never want to live with a man and see how that goes down?

Things got volatile between him and his daughter?!? Is this a joke?

I would give him a chance @BlueSandals.