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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you if you’d date this man?

258 replies

BlueSandals · 29/06/2026 14:39

To ask if you’d date this man if you found him attractive and in your age bracket and you are heterosexual female?

He is 53. Healthcare worker, interesting hobbies, seems very sensitive and caring. Intelligent. Interesting. Funny. Well travelled. Outgoing.

But…

He’s in the middle of a divorce. His ex has moved out of the family home to a smaller rented home and won’t see him face to face. They haven’t had contact in person for over a year. He lives in what was the family home. Has a teenage child that he doesn’t see. He says she has turned the child against him and she is an abusive narcissist. Nothing comes up on Claire’s law about him. The child apparently has behavioural issues due to his ex’s poor parenting in his view.

OP posts:
Marwoodsbigbreak · 29/06/2026 15:15

BauhausOfEliott · 29/06/2026 14:59

Although I completely understand why the 'crazy ex' trope is one that can be a red flag, I do also know more than one man (family members and close friends of mine) who really do have abusive exes who have behaved horrifically to them and have manipulated and weaponised their children in the split. And it would be extremely unfair if those men weren't able to talk about it, or were blamed for it, when starting a new relationship.

Like I say - I completely understand why it can be a huge red flag and that some men are indeed spinning a lie to excuse their own awful behaviour. I would, in some cases, be very wary indeed.

But I would certainly caution against assuming that's always the case, because everyone, male or female, can be a victim of abuse/control, and it helps nobody if men are expected to hide that and never talk about it for fear they'll be blamed or treated as damaged goods.

OK, let’s assume this bloke is completely faultless and his ex is this much of a total fucking nightmare. You would invite that shitshow into your life?

You would have to be totally desperate.

BrownBookshelf · 29/06/2026 15:17

No. Even on the very best case interpretation of this, he's got too much baggage. I wouldn't like a relationship with someone who's still married.

Meteorite87 · 29/06/2026 15:17

LuckyNumberFive · 29/06/2026 14:40

No.

I would never date someone going through a messy divorce but definitely not anyone who uses the "crazy ex" shit.

My 2 reasons exactly @LuckyNumberFive and @BlueSandals

When I'd read as far as "...in the middle of the divorce" that was an instant No from me. It seems that was the red herring, however.

The following details in relation to his DC and demonising of his ex-wife were absolute deal breakers.

toomuchfaff · 29/06/2026 15:17

This man has presented himself as a flawless victim, which is the single biggest psychological red flag in his profile.

I put your q into google for its assessment, and it came up with everything everyone has been saying here.

Google:

The "Blameless Victim" Trope: He is intelligent, funny, and caring, while his ex is a "narcissist" who ruined their child and turned everyone against him. In reality, healthy, mature adults usually say, "The marriage broke down, we both made mistakes, and it’s a sad situation." Complete lack of accountability is a major warning sign.

The Estrangement Reality Check: A parent completely cut off from a teenage child is a massive alarm bell. While parental alienation does happen, it is rarely absolute without some contributing behaviour from the estranged parent. There is a reason his own child will not see him, and you only know his version.

The "Claire’s Law" Misconception: Relying on Claire’s Law yielding no results as a green flag is a logical fallacy. Claire's Law only shows police records. Most domestic abuse, coercive control, or toxic family dynamics never result in police intervention or a criminal record.

Watch the Vocabulary: Be wary of people who weaponise therapy speak (like "narcissist" or "toxic") to describe anyone they have a conflict with. It often masks their own difficult behaviour.

Observe the Ongoing Drama: A year of zero face-to-face contact, yet still living in the family home during an ongoing divorce, means the legal and financial storm hasn't even hit its peak yet. He is in a crisis zone, not a dating zone.

Check for Contentment vs. Bitterness: An outgoing, well-travelled person should have a full, vibrant life. If their primary topic of conversation is how their ex ruined their relationship with their child, they are not emotionally healed enough to date.

QuintadosMalvados · 29/06/2026 15:18

Before I met my dh, I was in a similar situation, though I will say that I knew in this instance that the guy I was dating was telling the truth as I'd known his ex all my life and she was a real troublemaker.
Falsely accused a guy of assault when he wasn't even in the country (he was on holiday in Australia! ) amongst other things.
Anyway, she sees us out having a drink, a few days later the police are knocking on his door accusing him of hitting her.
We could prove he was with me all day and night of the alleged attack so it was OK in the end and, though I feel bad for saying it, I just didn't need the hassle so broke it off.
I didn't need a mad ex at my door.

NannyOf8Girls · 29/06/2026 15:18

No.... there's too many issues here..

wotsistpopsit · 29/06/2026 15:18

No way.

If the divorce isn't well and truly over it's likely to be a rebound relationship rather than a lasting one.

How has he had time for hobbies when he's been spending a huge amount of time parenting the child with behavioural problems?

What external help has he had to improve the relationship with the child?

AInightingale · 29/06/2026 15:19

NO. 'She won't let me see the kids because she's a bit of a psycho'. That is the oldest chestnut on the tree, up there with 'my wife doesn't understand me'. He has a right to see his child so ask him to tell you what steps he has taken to insist on contact.

Usually just means a lazy feckless bastard basking in martyrdom whilst dodging all his parental responsibilities. Why did his wife leave? Has he compensated her for her share of the house? Important questions.

outerspacepotato · 29/06/2026 15:20

BlueSandals · 29/06/2026 15:14

Things got volatile between them and they had a massive row. That was the trigger.

The daughter heard, witnessed, or actually experienced something during that fight that has made her afraid of her father. That's why she refuses to see him and he won't push it in court because whatever happened will come out.

So is he paying maintenance and do you own a home? Do you have kids?

Waterbaby41 · 29/06/2026 15:21

If you like him, why not keep seeing him?

Allseeingallknowing · 29/06/2026 15:21

No,too much baggage. It won’t end well

BlueFahrenheit · 29/06/2026 15:22

The hills would be alive with the sound of my footsteps running as fast as I possibly could away from this man.

What's the attraction? Is he packing something generous in the nether region?

catslovehairties · 29/06/2026 15:22

Absolutely not. It's worrying that you even need to ask the question.

Meteorite87 · 29/06/2026 15:23

@toomuchfaff Your reply articulates everything that is wrong with that man's responses.

Esmeraldathe3rd · 29/06/2026 15:23

God no. Doesn't see his kid. Does he pay towards his kid? His ex won't be anywhere near him. His kid has been "turned against him" . He's the victim and she's crazy.

Long story short. He's abusive.

If she was abusive, she wouldn't be refusing to see him, because she'd want to continue abusing him. Abusers want to continue contact. Victims want to end contact.

To ask you if you’d date this man?
user293948849167 · 29/06/2026 15:24

No

Always a red flag when they put 100% of the blame for a marriage breakup on their ex.
Also his ex is to blame for the Child’s behaviour? Shows he thinks raising kids is the mum’s responsibility alone, and what kind of father makes his child leave the family home?

Beamsss · 29/06/2026 15:24

There are a million reasons not to touch him with a bargepole, but even if it's all true and he's only excercised shockingly bad judgement by having a child with a dreadful woman, why would you want that to become part of your life, and, why would you want to get involved with a man who's about to need somewhere to live?

Glowingup · 29/06/2026 15:25

Realistically if I had that situation then I wouldn’t date him, no. It would likely be a shitshow with the angry teen daughter and the ex wife as well. However, my DP had that sort of thing with his ex wife. She was a narcissist and she was abusive. He divorced when the kids were young and she was okay at first because she’d left for her affair partner. However, that didn’t work out and as soon as she ditched the AP, she focused her attention back on my DP, using the kids as weapons. Then she got a new partner and was okay for a while and then it started up again, again with using the kids as weapons.

So the being wary of the crazy ex trope isn’t always true. There are plenty of abusive male and female exes out there and they will invariably use the kids because that’s the only hold they have over the other person. I’ve seen it happen to both men and women but often people will automatically disbelieve a man who experiences it because we are often told we should always believe women.

But personally I’d steer clear and I probably would have had I known what would happen. It’s not my DP’s fault any more than it’s any abuse victim’s fault. He just made a shitty shitty choice in marrying and having kids with someone. A mistake likely to haunt him for a long long time, possibly forever.

Lilacspring · 29/06/2026 15:26

No

MrsPinkSky · 29/06/2026 15:26

Absolutely not.

Quite apart from who was right or wrong in his past relationship, I wouldn't date anyone who's right in the middle of sorting all this.

I don't know why people leap into dating without getting their affairs in order first.

Are you looking for a boyfriend or a project?

MsTrish · 29/06/2026 15:28

Even if I was heterosexual, no way. Too much shit to deal with.

DJPJ · 29/06/2026 15:28

TFImBackIn · 29/06/2026 15:08

No way. I'm not sure a narcissist would leave the house anyway; she'd be more likely to make it impossible for him to stay.

Agree. He’s the narc who has stayed in the family home whilst his wife and vulnerable troubled child have been turfed out of their home.

His DC and Ex not in contact maybe a non-mol order?

cluckinell2 · 29/06/2026 15:29

I’ll go against the grain. There is a lot of stereotyping about men using the ‘crazy ex’ stuff but spiteful, unpleasant women do exist. I would find out more about the situation before making a decision. If you like him and he’s a good guy it seems a bit over zealous to end it all because he’s going through a messy divorce. Obviously we all have boundaries of what we want/are willing to tolerate in a relationship and some people can’t be doing with anything that can be perceived as drama which is fair enough.

But having lived through my own fair share of drama I know it doesn’t define me as a person or partner.

Periperi2025 · 29/06/2026 15:29

BauhausOfEliott · 29/06/2026 14:59

Although I completely understand why the 'crazy ex' trope is one that can be a red flag, I do also know more than one man (family members and close friends of mine) who really do have abusive exes who have behaved horrifically to them and have manipulated and weaponised their children in the split. And it would be extremely unfair if those men weren't able to talk about it, or were blamed for it, when starting a new relationship.

Like I say - I completely understand why it can be a huge red flag and that some men are indeed spinning a lie to excuse their own awful behaviour. I would, in some cases, be very wary indeed.

But I would certainly caution against assuming that's always the case, because everyone, male or female, can be a victim of abuse/control, and it helps nobody if men are expected to hide that and never talk about it for fear they'll be blamed or treated as damaged goods.

I agree, but in these situations whether the crazy ex is male or female it is all the more important for the 'victim' to take their time to heal and have the space to navigate the shit show without the complication of a new romantic relationship.

So if the bloke OP was considering was divorced and a couple of years down the line, i think it would be harsh to discount him completely based on what she has said, rather than approaching with caution and pragmatism like she would (hopefully) do in any new relationship.

My new partner has a similar back story but is a couple of decades out the other end of it. I was/am still cautiously sceptical, but judge him by his behaviour and actions with me.

MajorProcrastination · 29/06/2026 15:29

BlueSandals · 29/06/2026 14:39

To ask if you’d date this man if you found him attractive and in your age bracket and you are heterosexual female?

He is 53. Healthcare worker, interesting hobbies, seems very sensitive and caring. Intelligent. Interesting. Funny. Well travelled. Outgoing.

But…

He’s in the middle of a divorce. His ex has moved out of the family home to a smaller rented home and won’t see him face to face. They haven’t had contact in person for over a year. He lives in what was the family home. Has a teenage child that he doesn’t see. He says she has turned the child against him and she is an abusive narcissist. Nothing comes up on Claire’s law about him. The child apparently has behavioural issues due to his ex’s poor parenting in his view.

no because I'm married

but in an imaginary world where I'm single I'd say:

no because I would not trust a man who had no contact with his child

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