Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

[wildorangetruck]

I have got my daughter and her little boy who is only one back living at home due a change in circumstances.

My son doesn’t live here anymore but he comes and goes as he pleases as he’s still a young 25 and I know I’m very lucky he pops in.

My daughter struggles to get her son to sleep and can be up there ages setting him and so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.
My daughter suggested he doesn’t come around in the evenings after work and only comes at the weekend before she puts him down but he has always pops in after work, not for long but he does wake the baby when he comes.
I don’t know what to say about it, I want my son to feel welcome anytime, he’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again.

He doesn’t come in every night just once or twice a week and I love to see him. I don’t want to put restrictions on him because he’s likely to feel unwelcome or an inconvenience and that’s not the case as I’ve always said either can come anytime.

AIBU to think it’s just something she will have to deal with while she’s here or am I not being fair?

Your ds is being extremely inconsiderate and should keep the noise down! It's entirely reasonable to ask a regular visitor to be considerate or not to come over, and I'm amazed you think otherwise.

Why should the little one have the impact of disturbed sleep because of his selfish behaviour? Why does your ds feel ok harming his nephew?

If you want your dd to leave, have an adult conversation about it, rather than making your house an uncomfortable place for her and her ds.

Its your house , it may temporarily be your daughters home for now but she's going to have to roll with things as they are or look into other options for housing. I lived with my parents for a while with my eldest it was difficult so I understand where she's coming from but she needs to adjust

I think you and your son are being selfish here. He is refusing or unable to be quieter so he either comes earlier or much later on those days or you meet him out of the house. I think you need to support your daughter who must be going through a difficult time.

Get your daughter to play white noise or sleep music for the child but this is your home and you cannot reasonably be expected to have no company or visitors from 7pm every night. Have you had her explain to your son that he needs to try and be a little quieter? But she absolutely does not get to tell him he is not welcome.

Your ds is being extremely inconsiderate and should keep the noise down! It's entirely reasonable to ask a regular visitor to be considerate or not to come over, and I'm amazed you think otherwise

He is not a visitor though, he is her son. Completely different. Doesn’t matter he doesn’t live there permanently, he is a family member, not someone with ‘visitor’ status.

She's going to have to roll with the normal sound conditions in your home while she's there, though I would also ask your son to keep his voice down when he calls. I certainly wouldn't cancel his visits.

Keep reminding him that he needs to keep his voice down if he comes over in the evening. Of course he can tone it down. He is choosing not to because it isn't his problem to keep settling a baby.

It would be good if you can get your DS to moderate his noise in the evening. But it’s better for little ones (and their parents!) if they can become accustomed to noises when going to sleep - you can’t always control their environment for peace and calm in the evenings.

What time does your son finish work can he come round earlier your daughter needs to unclench a bit maybe keep her baby up for a while so he can see his uncle, i don't understand how he is waking him up is he loud when he comes in ? Everyone needs to compromise a little and i think you could help with that.

Sorry i misread he is loud, I think you can ask him to tone it down a little bit.

Well there needs to be some effort and compromise from both sides. I would speak to your son and ask him to be more mindful of his volume levels. It’s fair to ask him to be more thoughtful.
On the other hand your Dd is not really in a position to say he can’t come over when you and he wish him to. The baby sounds very sensitive to noise. Have you tried things to mitigate the noise he heard? White noise?

You are being really unfair in your daughter! Yes it’s your house but at the moment it’s also your daughters home, due to whatever circumstance has forced her to your house.

tell your son to calm his big booming voice, and stop playing favourites

Your DD needs to get a white noise machine.

He's not toning it down because he isn't being asked to. Of course it's unreasonable for him not to come over but it's just common courtesy to be more aware that a baby is trying to sleep, especially if sleep is an issue.

When he comes over, just politely mention the baby is being put to bed so tone down the volume. Yes the baby will eventually get use to it but honestly it can be sould destroying spending ages getting a baby to sleep only for someone else to awaken them with no care!

Give and take on both sides.

I think your dd is lucky you can provide a home for her and can’t start setting conditions for living with you presumably at a huge saving to her and inconvenience to you.
my adult dd has had to come back and live here and I bloody hate it. I’d like shot of all of them tbh!
remind your ds to be quiet when you open the door until you are somewhere you can close a door. Get the white noise thing and your dd will have to manage

This is a tricky one, and I see from the very divided comments that people have strong opinions one way or the other. I think whatever you decide is going to impact someone but I’d err towards helping your DD if the situation is temporary (especially if she’s just left an abusive relationship). It’s going to be hard for her to get back on her feet with a little one and I’d prioritise giving her the best chance of sorting her life out by actually getting her evenings back so she can apply for jobs and househunt. You can phrase it to DS that it’s just temporary that he has to either keep his voice down or keep visits to weekends, and it wouldn’t harm him to learn that this is what it’s like with babies. Regardless of whose house it is the baby didn’t ask to live there.

I think she’s unreasonable to say he shouldn’t be allowed to come round.

But you and he are unreasonable to not think it’s even possible for him to be asked to keep it down. His sister is struggling with her young child - can’t he be considerate?

I think everyone needs to compromise. Your daughter could investigate white noise or similar to distract her DC. Needing silence to sleep can make it harder as they get older anyway, but appreciate all babies are different.

And your son could be asked to just keep his voice down and be quieter when coming over. No need to stop but to be considerate?

If your Autistic son is capable of working, he is capable of understanding that sometimes you need to be mindful of others. I can’t see anything wrong with saying he either keeps the noise down when he comes over at night, or he stays away until he can visit in the daytime.

YANBU to not stop your son coming over, but why can’t he use inside voice volume, has he always been a selfish boy?

I agree with someone saying you seem to play favourites

your poor daughter, can only be back home for a difficult reason such as job loss, relationship breakdown, something like that and now she has to deal with golden child behaviour

you can enjoy your sons company at a reasonable volume

I wouldn’t be ok with telling son he can’t come round after work any more.

but give and take on both sides is probably possible here - presumably he works and so can’t come in the day.

if he is autistic then this adds complexities - is he in supported housing/does he need help with things in the evening?

I have a young adult dd with autism and I check in with her most days.

I do keep saying shhh when his volume creeps up and he tries to be quiet but then he’ll forget and laugh or his voice will slowly raise again, sometimes it’s just coming in the front door that will wake him and we’ve no downstairs toilet so while we can creep up to the toilet, he will try not to be loud but he’s naturally just heavy handed.

God he sounds unbearable.

I’m not playing favourites, my son is autistic, it’s not as simple as just asking him to quieten down.

@wildorangetruck what time does he finish work can he come earlier ? Or maybe you visit him some nights

But he’s independent no? Or does he require carers?

it sounds like you’re only concerned about upsetting your son and don’t really care how it’s impacting your daughter or grandson