Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

[wildorangetruck]

I have got my daughter and her little boy who is only one back living at home due a change in circumstances.

My son doesn’t live here anymore but he comes and goes as he pleases as he’s still a young 25 and I know I’m very lucky he pops in.

My daughter struggles to get her son to sleep and can be up there ages setting him and so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.
My daughter suggested he doesn’t come around in the evenings after work and only comes at the weekend before she puts him down but he has always pops in after work, not for long but he does wake the baby when he comes.
I don’t know what to say about it, I want my son to feel welcome anytime, he’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again.

He doesn’t come in every night just once or twice a week and I love to see him. I don’t want to put restrictions on him because he’s likely to feel unwelcome or an inconvenience and that’s not the case as I’ve always said either can come anytime.

AIBU to think it’s just something she will have to deal with while she’s here or am I not being fair?

What 'attitude'? He has trouble with voice regulation and is autistic.

You are all being unreasonable.

Your DD AND DGC are living with you for now. Your DD doesnt get to say when your DS can/cannot visit.

If your DGC takes so long to fall asleep at 7pm every night, then your DD really needs to think about changing bedtime to maybe 8pm or later. Theres no point being trying for hours to make a child sleep if they aren't ready to sleep. All babies are different, my 1st slept a solid 7pm-7am, my 2nd would only sleep 9pm-6am (any earlier or longer despite trying).

Your DS is being very selfish saying its not his problem. He has every right to pop in to see you as he wants but you can ask him to TRY and be a bit quieter. It may be difficult if he has a deep voice, but no one is asking him to stop talking or laughing.

Yes, it bloody is. I'm Autistic, as are my DC and we are perfectly capable of moderating our voices out of consideration for others.

"everything else" really? Trying to keep the volume down a little but while the baby is settling is not a big thing to ask fgs

Both your adult children need to grow up. Your son needs to lower the volume and your daughter doesn't get to rule the roost because she has had a baby. Don't take sides.

How old is your grandson @wildorangetruck ?

This attitude. How inconsiderate towards a single mother and baby. It's a very selfish attitude that he can't possibly turn his volume down a little bit

so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up

She refers to him as a baby in the OP so I would imagine quite young

I don’t think it’s fair to judge others based on your experience of autism. I’m autistic and often my voice apparently gets louder. I say apparently as I am completely unaware and to me, I’m speaking at normal volume so it’s really confusing and annoying! It doesn’t mean I can’t control my volume normally, but sometimes I genuinely have no clue.

In this case, I’m sure OP knows her son best and whether he is being careless and selfish, or whether he is genuinely unaware.

Easy for some autistic people to moderate themselves, less easy for others, impossible for some. Let's be honest - the spectrum is huge and we are all only guessing where OPs son falls on it.

My kids are both autistic, and my oldest was an absolutely terrible sleeper. Bedtime sometimes took from 7pm til 11pm and I was on my knees at times. I do feel for your daughter, but if she can get her child used to household noise it will be much better in the long run (and the baby's uncle is a regular noise in that house). Maybe record him and play him on a loop during the day so that the sound becomes familiar and not something to react to. The more familiar it is, the less chance it will wake the baby up. The first time we stayed at my in-laws, they had a chiming clock that woke the baby on the hour through the night. I was dreading the second night, but by that point the chiming had become background noise and it didn't wake the baby at all. I would have happily thrown it down the stairs at 3am though!

Personally, I’d be visiting my son at his place instead since he’s unable to regulate his volume. I’d explain that to him, and ask what evenings he would like me to pop round.

It would be important to me that my grandson wasn’t suffering regular sleep deprivation, and that my daughter (in difficult circumstances), felt as supported as possible whilst navigating single motherhood.

Good for you. You aren't all autistic people though are you and can't speak for them, at whatever volume.

I agree.

It's a case of he's the one fucking around but she's the one finding out and it isn't fair. The consequences of his actions are hers to bare.

I am autistic, my son is autistic and I totally understand that voice and tone modulation can be hard, often nigh on impossible to control, which is why the OP needs to consider the needs of both of her children, and her grandchild. The attitude of It's not my fucking problem from her son is the biggest issue and that is not an autistic trait, that's just pure selfishness.

The OP doesn't say it's all visitors that wake the baby up, just her DS, so it doesn't sound like her DD is being precious about having no visitors at all, just that if DS is coming can her and her child's needs be considered and times be scheduled appropriately and I think that is entirely fair.

Your DS may be autistic but you just need to keep reminding him to be quieter. I have to shush my DD a lot as she doesn't realise that she is getting louder and excitable.

Your DD needs to accept that this is your house and she can't control what happens in it. She cannot dictate what time her DB comes round. She could be living somewhere with neighbours who make a lot of noise and she would have to put up with it.

There is a middle ground here.

Can your ds visit in the garden instead of coming in the house, or enter the back door seeing as he's waking the dgc from coming in the front.

How long does your DD plan on staying with you?

Rather than thinking of prioritising one adult child over the other, think about the baby and what is best there.

Even more important that he learns to consider the impact of his behaviour on others and modify it ….. or maybe he is masking all day and needs to let off steam? If so he might need to learn some other discharge / coping skills.

The attitude of It's not my fucking problem from her son is the biggest issue and that is not an autistic trait, that's just pure selfishness.

You're phrasing his pov to suit your angle, but it could just as easily be phrased around theory of mind and the traits some have include difficulty understanding that their behaviour has an effect on others, assuming what they think/feel is the same for others, and all of that 'not getting it' which is absolutely a trait for some. OP can ask him to keep quiet but his default thought pattern is still to think it's not a problem. And as a PP says, she doesn't even know if she is talking loudly. So again, you can't proclaim that your version of autism is the same as this DS's and therefore he is being selfish because he should be able control it like you can. Funnily enough, you're showing that same lack of understanding that someone else could have a different mindset to your own. Is that selfishness or just fundamentally how you're wired?

Why are you allowing your son to be so inconsiderate? Being autistic isn’t an excuse unless he isn’t capable of understanding or altering his behaviour. He lives alone there he must have some basic understanding of noise consideration for neighbours. He should be quiet to allow the boy to sleep. You owe it to your son to help him manage his behaviour as he will need this skill in the future.

my BIL comes round regularly when I’m doing bedtime. He texts to say he has arrived and we open the door (he could let himself in but it’s noisy to open the door from the outside) he whispers in the corridor and only
says hi when he’s in the sittting room out of consideration for me and my children.

YABU. I think both you and DS are being very insensitive. Hopefully DD moves out soon.

You say he can't control his volume, yet you started by saying he doesn't see it as his responsibility to make allowances for the baby. That makes it sound like he probably could be quieter but just doesn't see why he should.

I'd try to find a compromise. Discuss why it IS his responsibility as an adult and an uncle to do his best to allow his nephew to sleep and remind him to keep the noise down. If he honestly can't be quiet (which does sound like a stretch in an adult capable of working), then sit out in the garden with him or find some other place to visit outside the house.

Your daughter has to accept that you can have people over when you like, but she's not unreasonable to expect guests (family included) to take care not to wake a sleeping baby.

Your son needs to grow up. If not then your daughter is not being unreasonable.

He just needs to be considerate about noise but I definitely wouldn't be telling him not to come

Which is a perfectly normal time.
And how nice he wants to!

If he was yelling at 11pm that would be unreasonable. But a chat and a laugh at 7/8 a couple of times a week? No problem

I had to live with my sister for three months when my son was an infant. Every night she would crash around after I put him to bed and wake him up. It nearly broke me. I was completely and utterly exhausted and he was so tired and grumpy all day. Every day. I was grateful that we had somewhere to stay but there isn’t some dichotomy where tye choice is let someone carelessly wake the child Repeatedly or be homeless. It isn’t a big ask. Also maybe he could reduce his visits to a few times a week so the baby can get full sleep on some nights.

That boy is now grown up and is on tye spectrum. He talks loud, he walks loud, he is always making noise. I understand that it is hard. However I think that given that the baby has no choice that your son could be part of the discussion and modify some of his behaviour.

OP, I think DS should definitely visit as normal and nobody with multiple children is creeping around the house when a child is out to bed. Your DGS needs to get used to his new surroundings but the idea that everyone must be quiet from 7 to meet his needs is not reasonable. When your kids were small, did you and DH creep around in silence? DD sounds like she is finding bedtimes difficult but you need to fit your child for the road, not clear the road for your child. We had two other children when DD was little and we certainly never asked them to be quiet. Children get used to their surroundings. DD should be grateful you can help her out with accommodation not telling you who can visit.