Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

[wildorangetruck]

I have got my daughter and her little boy who is only one back living at home due a change in circumstances.

My son doesn’t live here anymore but he comes and goes as he pleases as he’s still a young 25 and I know I’m very lucky he pops in.

My daughter struggles to get her son to sleep and can be up there ages setting him and so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.
My daughter suggested he doesn’t come around in the evenings after work and only comes at the weekend before she puts him down but he has always pops in after work, not for long but he does wake the baby when he comes.
I don’t know what to say about it, I want my son to feel welcome anytime, he’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again.

He doesn’t come in every night just once or twice a week and I love to see him. I don’t want to put restrictions on him because he’s likely to feel unwelcome or an inconvenience and that’s not the case as I’ve always said either can come anytime.

AIBU to think it’s just something she will have to deal with while she’s here or am I not being fair?

See my above post, I believe that children need to learn how to sleep under other conditions, because if not you end up like me. Children will learn, the DS will learn, it might take everyone a bit of time but to suggest he isn’t allowed round to spend time with his mum, who may be important for him to process his own emotions (I say this as someone with AuDHD who relies on my mother a lot to process my thoughts), seems extreme and unfair, in my opinion.

God I really feel for your daughter as I have been in her position for years.

Relationship breakdown and emerging disability support needs have left me living back in the family home that seems to have a 24/7 revolving door, with a child who doesn't sleep well.

Took me going into crisis for my family to see the toll the regular stress of unplanned late visitors and the crippling exhaustion from having a child being woken or kept awake night after night that prevented me being able to be proactive about changing my circumstances because I just had no energy.

At the end of the day it isn't just your daughter that is asking for your son to visit at a more convenient time, she's advocating for her child who is caught up in all of this and also needs to sleep. You're putting your adult sons wants over a child's needs. Yes, he isn't your child, but he is your grand child.

There's no white noise machine that can muffle out loud belly laughs, clashes, bangs or wollops.

His needs are not more important than anybody else's.

What's this bloody nonsense about supporting the daughter?

She's living with OP FFS, plus her kid. How much more support would would enable OP to reach your standard?

She's letting her daughter and grandson live with her full-time, that's hardly not being concerned for them! It's fair enough for OP to still have some balance and see her DS a couple of weeknights as they've been used to and enjoy doing. The world doesn't stop for one DC to go to sleep esp when they're having to live in someone else's home with their own lives going on. DD should put on a story CD on or white noise and let him get used to it. He'll sleep when he's tired enough.

not sure about you, but I can walk upstairs quietly without tiptoeing and creeping. From the sounds of it he is practically stamping up the stairs!

yes, for the baby and the babies Mum’s sanity

He has not been taught how to be respectful, clearly

You absolutely are playing favourites, having a child that is tricky to settle can feel torturous. My 5 year old son is autistic and we have continuously worked with him about keeping his noise down so he doesn’t wake siblings, he has greatly improved. You have evidently just allowed your son to rule the house and do as he wishes, your daughter needs some support and to feel like she might matter to you.

I’m pretty sure @wildorangetruck can enjoy her son’s company without raised voices and stamping up the stairs.

these white noise things don’t work for everyone.

he’ll sleep when he’s tired enough, but in the meantime the daughter is losing her mind with sleep deprivation plus whatever else is going on to make her have to live back with her Mum

When I had my 3 kids in the 70's/80's we were told to play music, have the hoover, washing machine on etc so the baby would get used to the noise. I have now done it with my 4 grandchildren as have their parents and all 7 of them can sleep anywhere with all types of noise. I dont undestand the need for silence or white noise to help babies sleep. Just be a normal household and they will learn to sleep through.

How loud is your son being that he's waking the child?

What do you and your daughter do after grandson goes to be bed? Are you both on freeze mode; tiptoeing around or is your son a boom box?

Gosh there are some nasty ignorant people on this thread. How depressing.

There is room for compromise here OP. You say your son does not think it his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up. Autistic or not this needs addressing. I have an ASD teen and and ASD sibling. My sibling was never pulled up on this type of behaviour and sadly it is an attitude that has isolated them from most people in adulthood.

I make a lot of exceptions for my son (he is also loud and heavy handed) but he is capable of being taught expected behaviours in certain situations. He doesn't have to like it or value it the same way I do but he knows that there are certain behaviours that are necessary in order to function well socially.

Your DD is lucky that you are able to house her and her child due to her change of circumstances but she also needs to accept that doesn't mean upending your usual routines and setting new rules and expectations for everyone else. Your son should be welcome anytime. She needs to help baby learn to sleep through noise.

Ask your DS to text you when he is outside. Then you open the door quietly and prompt him to come in quietly. Sit and have a drink and encourage your son to just sit quietly for a bit on arrival so baby has chance to stay settled. I find if I talk in a hushed tone DS tends to follow. During week day evenings keep conversations low key and not to animated on either side. Ask your DS to go to the bathroom before he comes over. Most adults should be capable of sitting for a couple of hours without needing the loo.

Your daughter can't expect you to never have anyone over after 7pm in your own home. She's going to have to get some white noise going and see if that helps.

Your son could be a lot quieter when he's visiting. Use his inside voice and so on. He's your son, but he's a guest and it seems like he has no care that there's a young baby in the house trying to sleep. That's basic consideration.

They both need to compromise. She can't be banning visitors and he needs to keep it down.

If he refuses to or just will not keep it down, then yes, I would restrict his visiting. Babies need sleep for brain growth, as well as other things. It's not a want, it's a physiologic need. Your son's loudness is interfering with that. Baby health comes before his visiting when you guys want.

You can ask your son to keep the volume down a bit OP ffs. The poor woman, she's obviously going through something for her to have had to move back home, sounds like she's a single parent and her own family are making things even more difficult for her by not even trying to be a little more quiet when she's trying to settle a baby

I’d suggest he comes round before 7 when possible but if it’s after 7 then he doesn’t - you go to his.

Somebody coming into the house speaking and laughing loudly while a child or anyone is sleeping is being inconsiderate. And it sounds like the OP's ds is allowed to continue behaving whatever way he wants because he has autism - seen it before - doesn't help the autistic person develop skill to consider other people either.

I get that
I thought if she doesn't give a shit about her daughter, she might give one about her grandson.

As a mother who has a one year old who's also really hard to settle and gets woken up easily, I think your son is being very selfish. You've said he doesn't believe it's his responsibility to be quiet - is it not just basic respect to not wake the baby when visiting

It absolutely is. YABVVVU and your daughter and grandson are suffering because of his selfish behaviour.

That is not acceptable and there is no excuse for it.

It doesn’t seem so 😢

Surprised by these answers… she’s bringing up her baby in her mums home so she should really suck it up or move out

I suspect that the baby and your DD are emotionally struggling due to ‘the change in circumstances’ and being uprooted from their home.

I am sure you can find some compassion for your DD struggling on her own with a fractious baby and would also be some personal growth for your DS to cut them some slack at this challenging time - by showing some understanding and adapting to support others.

So you think a baby needs to 'learn' to sleep with a loud booming voice, rather than he learn to speak more quietly

Are you really this harsh, in real life i mean?

Can’t work out if you pressed “post” before you had finished writing 🤔

I said compromise, so I think he needs to keep working on being quiet, as it sounds like he is doing so, and I think that baby’s mum needs to work on supporting a child through sleep disturbances as it is so helpful to the child. I also don’t see where OP described her son’s voice as ‘booming’ but sure.

Is the GS also autistic? As it will be a raised risk. ..
My asd kids both slept extremely badly. And certainly 1 slept through less than 5 times by age 3.5yo.

i think the issue is hes making the noise but doesnt give a crap because he doesnt get the consequences…

i am constantly shhhing dc2 who has a projecting voice. Is only 11 though.

I think the problem with all the recognition of sen is how it is affecting siblings and classmates.
My dc1 more obviously affected with autism. But doesnt mean dc2 is doing ok they really arent.

perhaps he could facetime for a bit instead. Actions have consequences.
Unless you fancy being the one to go settle the gc every time the uncle wakes him?

Ultimately he is being a bit selfish as he probably could cone at different time sometimes but prefers /needs to keep his routine.

tbh you dont sound too empathetic of dd having to repeatedly go up to resettle the kid.