Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

[wildorangetruck]

I have got my daughter and her little boy who is only one back living at home due a change in circumstances.

My son doesn’t live here anymore but he comes and goes as he pleases as he’s still a young 25 and I know I’m very lucky he pops in.

My daughter struggles to get her son to sleep and can be up there ages setting him and so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.
My daughter suggested he doesn’t come around in the evenings after work and only comes at the weekend before she puts him down but he has always pops in after work, not for long but he does wake the baby when he comes.
I don’t know what to say about it, I want my son to feel welcome anytime, he’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again.

He doesn’t come in every night just once or twice a week and I love to see him. I don’t want to put restrictions on him because he’s likely to feel unwelcome or an inconvenience and that’s not the case as I’ve always said either can come anytime.

AIBU to think it’s just something she will have to deal with while she’s here or am I not being fair?

However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up,

What a shame your son doesn't have respect for the people that actually live in the house he's visiting

You say he's autistic and can't help it which I understand as I have a friend like this, just has no awareness that he's shouting inside. But from the line above I quoted it sounds like he's not even trying to begin with. At least if he was trying he'd be being respectful while waking the little one up.

DD needs to be more relaxed about her baby’s bedtime? Maybe it’ll be easier now heatwave is over.

How about also looking at this line - I do keep saying shhh when his volume creeps up and he tries to be quiet but then he’ll forget and laugh or his voice will slowly raise again. It’s evident he is at least trying, not just blatantly disregarding everything.
As I said above, OP’s dd also needs to take some responsibility here - it seems like she’s expecting the whole house to go into shut down from 7pm just to keep the baby asleep. Thats disrespectful too. It shouldn’t take longer than an hour to settle a baby to sleep, and said baby should be able to sleep through general noise.

Yes, he does sound disrespectful. He’s f he is managing to function, hold down a job, live independently and create a routine he can sure as well shut the fuck up and show some consideration

It really does shine a big light on his attitude and how he was raised. That’s not autism - that’s just a selfish prick. I’ll bet my house that if he ever finds a life partner, they’ll end up leaving due to his selfish attitude as it won’t just be around this issue. That’s a sign of someone fundamentally selfish who was never raised to think of others - something a lot of boys have been let away with.
Look at the contrast with the daughter; being told by her mum to change her expectations and needs to allow the male child to do whatever he wants, without showing any consideration for anyone else.

Should he also have to change his whole routine with his mum just because his sister has moved in and can’t settle her baby? The sister also has a responsibility here too.

Children get used to background noise

My dd recently moved out after her and her baby had lived with us a year. She certainly had no say in the comings and goings of her siblings visiting.

Entitled madam springs to mind here op. If get conditions aren't to her liking she can move out. .

I'm of the opinion that your son need to learn that other people exist and he needs to make allowance for their needs too. It feels like his autism is being used as an excuse for him to not have to think of other people's needs.

Agree with this! I’ve worked so hard on my kids sleep because I am such a light sleeper and it ruins my life. I wake up at every tiny noise/light, it’s horrific. I can go into my kids bedroom, switch the lights on, talk, slam drawers closed, play music and they don’t wake up. People worry so much about children’s sleep that they create crutches and I am the horrible product of that; can’t fall asleep with any form of light, have to have the radio on to modify but it also wakes me up then wake u at every teeny disturbance,‘it’s really bad.

General household level noise, yes. Chatting, TV, cars outside etc. But this is a booming voice, which only pipes up when the child is already asleep. A baby being woken by that isn’t a surprise and isn’t doing anything wrong, it certainly isn’t the daughter’s issue to try and make the baby sleep through that. What a weird idea.

And vice versa, the daughter needs to learn the world doesn’t revolve around her and her baby, and make allowances for practises/routines already in place.

No, I have already said that selfish son should still be able to visit on a prior post. But this is not his home, it’s his Mum and sister’s and nephew’s home. And he needs to show respect for the people living there by being quiet

Not sure you fully understand autism - and before you say that you or another family member of yours is autistic, autism is a spectrum. Just because he can hold down a job doesn’t mean he is able to immediately learn new changes in an environment he is used to. He is trying but isn’t there yet. It should be compromise on all sides.

How do you suggest a baby compromises?

Also 2 of the siblings have asd...

How is your grandson? Is the sleep disruption making him suffer?

It’s sure disrupting the baby’s Mum. Bet she’s had to deal with the excuses and pandering for years

Ultimately if he doesn't see it as his responsibility then it's disrespectful even if he tries specifically when prompted.

Nonsense about babies.
It shouldn’t take longer than an hour to settle a baby to sleep, and said baby should be able to sleep through general noise.
You want to try telling the baby those are the rules? My first baby took over an hour to get to sleep for a long long time. My second baby is asleep within 10 minutes every night. Same methods, different babies. I'm sure the baby's mum is doing her best.

Sorry but I agree with this. I expect this isn’t the first time your son’s wants, needs, comfort, whatever been firmly prioritised over your daughter, something hard to avoid when one child has SEN and one not, but it can make for a very difficult dynamic. Your insistence on keeping everything just as is it so your son feels completely comfortable and accommodated will do just the opposite for your daughter. Long term, your relationship with her will end up suffering terribly, I think. She has had a shit time presumably, I’m sure it wasn’t her plan to be moving back in with you with a very young baby, and shes probably exhausted. I’d be so upset if my mum and brother refused to compromise to make my life just a little easier.

Should he also creep to the toilet, the same as the OP/grandmother is expected to do? All for a young baby? Really?

The dd and baby living there temporarily have just as much rights as the ds visiting his family home routine. They both have to learn to cope with the situation as is. The dd needs to learn to settle the baby more effectively and be more respectful to others, the ds needs to understand there’s a temporary change and to try to be quiet - which he is doing.

You are correct in that your DD cannot dictate who visits.
She has clearly been through a difficult time if she is back living with you. Returning to a parent’s home is rarely a first choice.
Her DS, your GS, is having to adjust to different surroundings, and it seems likely he will be unsettled for a while.
You must be able to see how difficult it is for your DD even if you don’t personally remember how tiring and frustrating it can be to get a little one off to sleep.
Why would you not try to help her by keeping the noise down?
Your DS isn’t Fazed by putting his sister and nephew as it’s not his responsibility? He needs to be fazed and realise that he is responsible for his actions and be more considerate.
Even though he is an adult you should help him with that, and not collude with him to keep doing just what he wants.
When I leave home early in the morning it’s not my responsibility to be quiet so I don’t wake my neighbours, but I make as little noise as possible.
Surely you and your DS owe that much to your own family.

I think that you or anybody can only offer what you can offer. I am sorry for whatever life trouble has brought her home but (and I am not going to bring up the starving children in Africa) she could be in much worse circs than having to deal with occasional visits from a noisy brother...and you creep upstairs to use the loo? In your own house?????

Nowhere does it say he has a booming voice. Not sure why you need to add your own theatrics here. Laughing at the fact you think it’s weird to expect a baby to be able to sleep through noise - that’s a pretty basic concept.

I am the (probably) NT sibling of an ND brother who also struggles with social cues and noise and it was a huge part of my life - and continues to be so. I moved overseas with my husband and my brother visits for a week or so once a year. We set out very clear expectations of his behaviour when he's here - no stomping around the house late at night, no playing loud music at 2am, etc. For me and my kids. It's not fair to have everyone's sleep disrupted.

I think its' lovely that you want to take care of both your children, but for now your home is also your daughter's home. The most important person in all of this is the toddler. As he is genuinely waking up and your son genuinely seems to struggle to compromise you need to figure out an in between option. White noise machine? Meeting your son outside? Going to his place a couple times a week to hang out while the baby gets more settled? It should get easier the older the toddler gets but getting woken up repeatedly by super loud noises was a huge feature of my life for years and it triggers me to think about going through that again with a toddler and some sort of traumatic situation that forced me back to my mum's place.