Not to stop my son coming over when grandson is in bed.

[wildorangetruck]

I have got my daughter and her little boy who is only one back living at home due a change in circumstances.

My son doesn’t live here anymore but he comes and goes as he pleases as he’s still a young 25 and I know I’m very lucky he pops in.

My daughter struggles to get her son to sleep and can be up there ages setting him and so when her brother comes around it usually wakes him up and she gets frustrated. However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.
My daughter suggested he doesn’t come around in the evenings after work and only comes at the weekend before she puts him down but he has always pops in after work, not for long but he does wake the baby when he comes.
I don’t know what to say about it, I want my son to feel welcome anytime, he’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again.

He doesn’t come in every night just once or twice a week and I love to see him. I don’t want to put restrictions on him because he’s likely to feel unwelcome or an inconvenience and that’s not the case as I’ve always said either can come anytime.

AIBU to think it’s just something she will have to deal with while she’s here or am I not being fair?

Why don’t you pop in to visit your DS instead in the evenings for the time being whilst your distressed DD and her baby come to terms with ‘a change in circumstances’

I was asking you a question it didn't need too many words, I mean you don't have to answer,.i was just wondering if people in real life spoke like you.

Gosh there are some really unpleasant people on this thread!

Some people struggle with knowing how loud they are autistic or not, my husband and also my grandad and my brother were/are terrible for this. Some people are just loud people. If you have an additional issue that means you struggle to understand normal acceptable social cues and expectations sometimes or all the time, i.e autism it's hard to remember or be aware.

Is he really waking the baby up though as from my experience babies sleep through a lot (I know all babies are different), or is it your daughters anxiety that he might disturb the baby?

Your daughter will be in for a shock if she has a second and then has to manage a wild noisy toddler while trying to get a new born to sleep something many many many of us have dealt with and got through.

Having said all that, everyone needs to compromise, it's lovely that both your children want to be with you in their family home, but they both need to respect it is your home. Your daughter is very stressed and tired but needs to be reminded many mothers live in much more noisy chaotic houses with new-borns and find a way to manage, that your brothers need to be with his mum in the evenings and for you to be with him, is a real and important one. Your son needs to be constantly reminded about how noisy he is, and be explained to about the great stress and exhaustion his sister is dealing with (very difficult to truly understand unless you have lived it) and to avoid using the loo as much as possible.

You all just need to sit down together and talk and compromise.

I dont agree with creeping about so a child doesn't wake up. If your DD isn't happy she gets her own place. But it's your house and you should prioritise as you see fit.

Have you genuinely never met people with SEN who talk loudly and never manage to moderate it no matter how many times you might ask them? OP knows him better than we do and this is how he is. It's a couple of nights a week and not for that long so I think the DD's immense suffering is being overegged. OP's probably not cock-a-hoop at having to live with them 24/7 but she's making it work and one of the conditions on her side is still having her DS over some evenings. Seems fair enough to me.

It would be as important to me that my home is as open to my son as it is to my daughter. It would be very hurtful to have a visiting routine then find that closed because the sibling moved home. I think everyone needs to adjust a bit here. DD needs to accept that there will be visitors, though I do know what it's like to have a terrible sleeper. Maybe on the nights he visits she can go to bed early to read and have her baby tucked up next to her while she watches tv or reads or whatever. I used to do that with one of mine some evenings just to keep them asleep. It will improve in time. Meanwhile, I know it can feel endless.

The son needs to work on being quieter. You just have to keep reminding him. At this time of year you might be able to sit outside with him. He needs to try rather than not see it as his responsibility. That's not fair.

I think you need to empathise with both of them and find a way everyone can work together.

No ,your daughter fits in with the household ..not the household fits in with the daughter.
Her brother is autistic and that is how he is ,and that is when he comes to visit.
Why should the whole world revolve around a visiting child .
Id probably ask him to come in quietly while the child is there
But that's normal household noise the child needs to get used to

I agree with this, I think it's actually very insulting to your son to assume that because he is autistic he's not capable of being considerate. How is he going to function in a relationship?

YABVU and prioritising an adult over a small child

Are you? Well I'd want to help out my daughter who is clearly going through a difficult period in her life atm 💁

I completely agree! Great advice!

OP, there are some really unpleasant replies here so please disregard many of the comments.

It’s lovely that you have been able to help your DD and GS and you sound really caring - the fact that you are creeping to the toilet in your own home and worrying about your DS disturbing the baby etc. You obviously want to support your DD.

It’s also lovely that your DS wants to come around so often, and you seem to have a lovely relationship with him.

It is your home, and it is not appropriate that you are dictated to about what rules you should follow in your home, especially as you have opened your home up to both.

I would suggest a conversation between everyone to seek compromises. Your DD cannot dictate when you have visitors and your DS needs to keep working on his volume.

I hope you manage to find a solution.

No you shouldn’t stop him coming round but you should absolutely ask him to keep his voice down out of consideration. Autism or not, it’s just basic respect.

She is helping out her daughter. A lot. It needn't be at the expense of everything else she wants to do.

Well for you... I nearly ended up in hospital many times from sleep deprivation because my bow 2 year old would not sleep unless held and in silence.

My youngest will sleep through anything.

Sometimes you can't just turn the hoover on 🙄

I'm not convinced it's someone's fault if they have a baby who doesn't sleep well, or is a light sleeper...it's easy and lazy to just blame the mum's parenting skills though.
My kids slept fine - but I don't think that was down to any skill I applied and for people I knew who had kids who didn't sleep - well life was pretty tough for them - they had my sympathy not my judgement.

I agree...
You said of your son
would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home
but that seems to be OK for your DD? It doesn't sound fair to me.
She's had a change in circumstances, she has a 1 year old baby who has been unsettled by that change. It takes her ages to get him down to sleep and then your son walks in booming away and wakes him up, every time.

He doesn't live there, she does. Why is it OK to make that even harder for her just because your son can't or won't regulate his voice. If I were your DD, I'd find that really upsetting.

Her baby won't be 1 forever, she won't be with you forever.

Maybe talk to your son about this and come up with some work around. He can still be himself whilst learning to be a bit more considerate of others and regulate his volume occasionally.

Your daughter is an adult. Tell her to have a word with her brother herself.

I second the suggestion of your daughter using a sound machine in your grandson's bedroom. If he doesn't have one already it may take a bit of getting used to. We've always used one with our kids as we have a dog who barks at passing vehicles, and you never know when he's going to be set off! It's also handy as you can do things like hoover outside their bedrooms whilst they're asleep and not worry about waking them!

👏

However my son doesn’t seem phased by this as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to be quiet and not wake him up, he doesn’t come until after 8 and little one goes up at 7.

He’s autistic and doesn’t mean to be loud but has a loud laugh and voice so it’s not just a case of asking him to tone it down as that’s just how he is and I am very accepting of this and would never want him to feel he couldn’t be himself in the home but I also understand how frustrating it is for our daughter when he walks in cheerily and his voice wakes him up again

Your son needs to call earlier before your grandson goes to bed.

@Lemonpandas Why should the whole world revolve around a visiting child .

Is not the adult son the visiting child?

When he arrives, could you say in a hushed voice, with your finger on your lips "Shhhh, come in, baby is trying to sleep"
Not that you need whispering but maybe his version of whiper would be softer and quieter?

This reminds me of when my fil used to visit while putting them to sleep. He shouts when telling us about his week, and always woke up the children. I kept asking him to please be quiet but he carried on the same. I ended up ignoring him at the door Sunday -Thursday.

Your son's attitude is horrible.

Your daughter is in the wrong here. It's your home, not hers. That said, I would ask your son to try to speak a bit more quietly.