AIBU to ask my friend to leave after criticising my diet?

[Dogingarden]

I have a friend staying with me at the moment because it's just been my birthday.

I have been having treatment for breast cancer and have had no appetite for several weeks. Today I had a craving for pizza and have eaten a large pizza and some chips. I've also eaten most of a bar of green and blacks chocolate today too, along with some other bits.

Friend isn't very impressed and has said several times I need to eat healthy food. She's very much into healthy eating and is very disciplined about what she eats.

I've explained that my consultant says to eat whatever I fancy when I fancy and not worry about what I'm eating as long as I'm getting calories. I have long nearly two stone from chemo side effects, for context.

Friend disagreed with this and said I shouldn't be eating "processed crap" because it's just going to make the cancer worse.

I'm extremely upset by her attitude and what she's said. She's gone up to bed and I'm sitting in the garden with my dog feeling awful. She's meant to be staying until wed but I'm going to ask her to leave in the morning.

Wibu?

I'm generally fairly chilled and rational, but if any 'friend' had told my late husband that he was 'making his cancer worse' I'd have escorted them out of the door straight away.

What is it with people so obsessed with diet in these situations? Are they clinging to find something to control?
I can't believe that people are coming on to this thread to defend this friend.

Thing is, everyone could 'eat to combat cancer' all the time. We know that eating certain foods is optimal (green leafy veggies) and others are not (bacon, processed food, alcohol).

No-one lives a perfect life and sometimes perfection is the enemy of the good. You sound very underweight OP, poor you, and you are best off taking the advice of your clinician.

If your friend ever drinks, eats sugary things, doesn't eat green leafy veggies every single day or has the odd bacon sarnie, she's not optimising her cancer risk either.

People who haven't lived it don't get it. I don't say to my friends who drink (I don't)- I wouldn't drink, you'll get cancer, because that would be unbelievably rude and also pretty stupid, as we don't know exactly how these things work or how people's individual risks interact (plus there's so much we cannot change, genetics, pollution).

Your friend might come from a 'good place' but it is very very tiring as someone with cancer to be constantly lectured on how to live well by others (who also usually do things that aren't so perfect), it's non-stop advice on exercising, diet, meditation, thinking positive, achieving things, everyone is terrified of just stopping and taking time with someone and filling it with advice and noise (like the person can't look it up online and make decisions for themselves) appears to act to quell their own disquiet at the situation.

If OP is seven stone at 5' 9" the friend should be well aware that she needs calories. OP explained that she was following her oncologists advice, and at that point the friends should have shut up. But she didn't.

It's unforgivable for her to tell OP that she's 'making the cancer worse'.

You’re a very kind person because I’d have told her to fuck off. As you are acutely aware, life is too short.

Tell her to take a hike, I’m pretty impressed you are up for houseguests btw! When I was going through cancer treatment the only advice I was taking was from my highly qualified health professionals. A friend of DH’s send him some woo book about fighting cancer “the natural way” to pass on to me, my lovely DH binned it and only told me later. Wishing you all the best.

I think there are more mature methods to try before asking her to leave: explaining that she’s upset you and that being criticised at such a difficult time feels cruel.

Obviously, if her response to that is to carry on criticising you rather than apologise and then shut up about it, you can reconsider.

Nah tell her to do one. My diet during chemo and in the immediate aftermath consisted of melted pralines and cream hagan dasz and the odd banana. for weeks. zero guilt here it was all i could face.

First off hope your treatment is going well. You absolutely should eat whatever you can manage and whatever brings you comfort.

Any chance she was wording it clumsily and meant ‘op you’re obviously going thru it, what’s your fave meal I can sort for you?’ As I cannot imagine the bald faced judgement.

I do wonder if it’s worth blowing up the friendship … is she otherwise a good friend? Maybe tomorrow with fresh eyes you can say ‘I didn’t appreciate the judgment in yesterdays conversation. I’m just focusing on eating what I can manage right now consistent with health advice. We have two days together to do and I feel up to having xyz (though that may change). if it’s an issue for you perhaps you’d be happier going home.’

Amazed at the number of people on this thread who seem to think they know better than a practicing oncologist because they listened to a podcast or read a book or some shit.

The arrogance is absolutely breathtaking!

Oh it’s soo annoying when people advise you to do this or that or not do the other when you’re dealing with cancer.. stay positive..don’t eat sugar..avoid stress( right well how exactly)..no processed foods.. more veg etc etc. I just smile ( bc a couple of times for me) and nod and do what I like. It’s all well meaning if a little how can I say.. lacking in intelligence..they have not studied oncology for years.The only person I listen to is my consultant. Good luck sister x

Get her out of your house first thing. If you can't handle the confrontation aspect make up an excuse like you are feeling too sick. Be firm.

Based on what you've said she could be showing concern. However you know your friend and know she's being judgemental. I suspect she's often like this but you usually let it slide as you know it's about her not you. At times like this tolerance for this sort of BS goes out the window. You have enough to deal with.

I had a friend who would always make really pas-ag remarks. If I repeated the remarks here they would sound innocent and me paranoid. But anyone who knew her would pick up the undertones.

She came to visit me during my cancer treatment. I ordered us in salads from the local cafe and one portion of chips to share. Like you it was a rare day when I could eat so I was delighted. I hadn't eaten in 24 hours. It was so pleasant to feel normal, up and about and feeling well.

She said she didn't want any of the chips so I said ok and tipped them onto my plate beside my salad
"Wow... Well you're certainly not off your food that's for sure" and two more references to my 'voracious appetite' before she left. Then a text message after she left that it's great to see me up and eating so much.

It's a cliche for people with cancer..that lots of people are nuts about it. Unscientific idiots suggesting all sorts of detoxes etc.. Others I found press religion on you ...illness of any kind is the Great Revealer in our family and friends...
I would hope I'd ask her to leave too OP 💐

I agree. I think that YANBU to feel upset op, as it sounds like she wasn’t very tactful. However, I think that she was probably trying to help. A close family member with advanced cancer was told by specialists about the importance of diet and nutrition.

I appreciate that any food is better than nothing right now, and you completely deserve a treat. But you know your friend best and whether she is trying to help (clumsily!) She must be a good friend for you to have wanted her to stay in the first place. Maybe have an open and honest conversation with her and see what she says?
x

The pizza and chocolate sound delicious!

Tell ‘friend’ to go tomorrow and as she is gathering her things order another pizza.

No real friend would push their own agenda on you under these circumstances. Whilst she is right that healthy / balanced eating is ‘correct’ - ANY food is much much better than none.

Tell her to go and stay strong x

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. It’s that whole “but it would never happen to me” thing in action.

Im with you OP. I have cancer and on chemo permanently now. My tastebuds have changed beyond belief. You eat what you want, when you want. Your
“ friend “ was being an absolute cow. How very dare she! And to anyone agreeing with OP’s “ friend” you clearly haven’t been through chemo. It can be brutal!!

Get shot of her OP, you don’t need her. Hugs.

Yanbu is tell her to piss off! 🤬 You've survived cancer if anybody deserves a pizza and some chips it's you 😊❤️

I'd agree with this

Someone who makes you feel bad about yourself isn’t a good friend. Good friends build each other up.

She isn’t really your friend then. Yes she should leave. Best of luck with the rest of your treatment.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, or that it matters what you ate that day, but I think she is right too:

There was an interesting Radio programme with a Professor of oncology speaking about the importance of diet in improving outcomes for cancer.

He also mentioned that most cancer doctors know nothing about it and often wrongly tell patients it makes no difference what they eat just like your consultant did.

You could eat good food and still put on your missing weight.

This was the BBC Radio 4 programme.
Could Food Do More in Cancer Care and Prevention?
The Food Programme
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m002xpbp?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

I'd have told her to eff off.

ETA I get the thinking behind healthy eating, but how dare she criticise someone who's lost so much weight for eating what she fancies?

She was being a good friend, even if annoying.

Sorry @GranolaBaker and @FWC2026
I did not see you had already said the same.

I agree OP though that your friend may just have harassed you without explaining it in a nice way. I hope you get better soon and get your strength back.💐

No she wasn't. She outright blamed OP for 'making her cancer worse'.

Not only was that not true, but it was an incredibly cruel thing to say.