AIBU to ask my friend to leave after criticising my diet?

[Dogingarden]

I have a friend staying with me at the moment because it's just been my birthday.

I have been having treatment for breast cancer and have had no appetite for several weeks. Today I had a craving for pizza and have eaten a large pizza and some chips. I've also eaten most of a bar of green and blacks chocolate today too, along with some other bits.

Friend isn't very impressed and has said several times I need to eat healthy food. She's very much into healthy eating and is very disciplined about what she eats.

I've explained that my consultant says to eat whatever I fancy when I fancy and not worry about what I'm eating as long as I'm getting calories. I have long nearly two stone from chemo side effects, for context.

Friend disagreed with this and said I shouldn't be eating "processed crap" because it's just going to make the cancer worse.

I'm extremely upset by her attitude and what she's said. She's gone up to bed and I'm sitting in the garden with my dog feeling awful. She's meant to be staying until wed but I'm going to ask her to leave in the morning.

Wibu?

She would be an ex friend if this was happening to me.

I have stage 4 cancer and earlier on in events I had a friend who insisted on spouting all her own views including what I should or shouldn’t eat, do, think.

The modern term for her behaviour being “toxic positivity”.

I had a very firm talk with her and explained that her views were not mine, had no basis in fact relating to my situation and that I would very much appreciate if she would stop.

She did try but would backslide from time to time in which case I would give her a hard stare.

Eventually I stopped wanting to spend time with her.

Well meant or not this is not the time for unasked for advice.

Just to say @Dogingarden, I have been exactly where you are. I've got the gene, had BC, had my body turn itself inside out vomiting hourly on chemo, lost my hair, had the hysterectomy, double mastectomy and recon and 15 years I'm still here and cancer free.

Eat the pizza.
Lick the chocolate.
Kick the bitch out.

OP don't listen to her she's a moron 😂

@Dogingarden I would ask her to leave but I'd make some excuse about not feeling well and unable to handle more stimulation from people being around etc yada yada, so it doesn't become about what she's said to you.

Hang in there, you'll get through it. When facing life threatening illnesses you really see your friends for who they are. Family too. Just surround yourself with those you can trust and who listen.

She isn’t a friend

a friend will be buying you chocolate and supporting you

you what you can manage. My mum could only eat carbs during her chemo and when could eat would be pizza pasta etc

yes obv healthy eating is important for anyone overall - but even that doesn’t stop cancer

my boss who became a friend was the healthiest person ever. Fit. Ran marathons , only ate organic meat /veg. Never drank or smoked in her life and still got cancer of the liver and died leaving 2 toddlers

life is unfair at times

good luck with your recovery and ditch the friend

I would've asked her to leave immediately.

My son was on the children's oncology ward for 3 months and it was always full of parents coaxing their children to eat with McDonald's and other things they wouldn't otherwise have often.

Eating McDonald's was a good day for my son going through chemotherapy. A bad day would be some sips of a strawberry milkshake between either the sore, bleeding mouth and/or the nausea and vomiting. He had a feeding tube twice during that time as he he had lost so much weight.

Eating is the priority when on chemo. It really doesn't matter what.

Was this discussed against the risk of extreme weight loss as op mentioned?

I would of asked her to leave immediately, I hope you’ve woken her up this morning and told her to leave already.

Are you one of those people who, when they find out I have a rare condition and without knowing anything about said condition, immediately starts telling me it will get better if I just try yoga /goji berries /avoiding all stress??

This is not how you care for people

Irrespective, this was not the time or person to mention it to op

Right now op just needed some calories

Later on, if she chooses, she can research what foods may help and choose to eat them /avoid others. But that will be her choice and not something a friend should lecture her about

OP, you posted a thread inviting people to comment on the goingson in your life and then tell them to mind their business. Some people agree with your friend and don’t think her comments were out of order. You asked for opinions, so don’t tell
people to mind their business when they voice those opinions.

Oh fuck that. I can't stand food nazis at the best of times let alone if I were in your circumstances. The utter refusal to differentiate between having something 'unhealthy' now and again and eating the same sort of thing all the time, it drives me mad. You'd be well within your rights to sling her out, and please give her a good swift boot up the arse from me when you do.

No, she was asking if its unreasonable her asking her friend to leave the house due to what she said and has since said she feels like her friend was being judgemental, there is a difference

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Is she otherwise a good friend or is this a pattern of behaviour? If she is otherwise a good friend and just had a bad case of motor mouth then it might be worth talking to her and saying how inappropriate her comments were. She’s not the food police and what you eat is none of her business.

For what it’s worth, I hope you enjoyed every bite!

That must have been very hurtful, and was massively tone deaf of her. Eat what you like, and get better soon.

Yanbu I hope you do kick her out first thing this morning. It was very insensitive of her.

She is virtually blaming OP for giving herself cancer by "eating badly". That isn't what friends do.

Did that professor have anything to say about the issue that so many have mentioned, about simply not being able to tolerate or keep anything down post chemo, and thus being able to eat anything is a rare success?
Did he have evidence that doctors, including consultants, 'know nothing about it' when they give advice?
It sounds very much like that professor has had limited, or no, contact with patients undergoing chemo!
Edited for typos

@Dogingarden your friend would have been kicked out on the spot by my dh in our house.
I was so dangerously underweight from my illness that after having emergency surgery the consultant would not let me leave hospital until I could prove I was eating enough.
Dh will bring me any food i fancy if it means I will eat.

Veggie pizza is a brilliant choice, plenty of calories, carbs, protein and veg.

💐 been where you are and have the t-shirt (it’s in the genes). Chemo is … well you know! I did basically follow a very healthy diet on chemo but a dear friend sent me some delicious treats and oh boy did I enjoy them! So much it reminds me of a rare good moment in hell! Anyone who speaks to you like your (however well intentioned) friend can fuck off to the far side of fuck!

(Sorry your post has triggered both the memory of chemo and my desire to eat pizza and brownies!)

It too will pass 🧁🌻

Is there any nice bakeries near you OP? I'd go and get myself the biggest, sugariest donut I can find and a massive coffee (a syrupy one if you fancy or plain and then tell her it has a caramel shot) and I'd make a point of stuffing it down my face when she comes downstairs.... I'd say sorry you didn't get her one but you assumed she didn't want any given her opinions last night and shove half a grapefruit in front of her... then I'd ask her to leave the minute there's even a whisper about what you're eating.... and I say this as a qualified doctor 😉

So sorry to hear about your cancer. She is a dick and so are the people on here judging your diet as well! All the best x

Quite!

I haven't had chemo but I did have severe hyperemesis and was similarly told to follow my cravings on days I could face eating anything. And often they were for fatty, salty, carb heavy food. Probably because that's what my body needed the most.

Anyway, despite my mother in laws "helpful" comments about what I "should" and "should not" be eating, I produced two healthy thriving babies who have become vigorously healthy teens.

Wishing you all the best op

People recovering from chemo need to eat the most calorie dense foods they can manage. So the opposite of when you are dieting - add extra oil where possible, plenty of cream & butter. Chocolate is probably perfect!

Good luck with your recovery. 💐🍫