My beautiful friend is causing me horrible jealousy

[LifeTakeTwo]

Can't believe I'm posting this but I really do need advice and alternative perspectives here because this is not healthy.

I have a really close friend. We are both single mums, dating and enjoying life. We've been good friends for years and do a lot together, speak pretty much everyday and go on holidays together.

My friend, let's call her 'Jasmine', is absolutely stunning. I mean, the first thing people say when I mention her name is 'jasmine, is that the really pretty one?' or 'oh is jasmine that girl in your photo? She's so beautiful!'

Jasmine is naturally gorgeous I'll admit, but she's also had a lot of work done. Lip filler, veneers etc. She puts in A LOT of work to maximise her beauty. She is definitely aware of her beauty because that's the first thing people comment on when meeting her (men and women).

As me and Jasmine are both single, we go on nights out and events together a couple of times a month when we don't have our kids. Every place we go too, every man in the room is checking her out, whether partnered or on their own. If we end up speaking to a group of guys, they are all pretty much talking to her and I'm the third wheel or second option once she's chosen which one she's going to give her attention too.

Despite the myth that men like 'natural beauties' and don't like women with 'work done', or only a certain type of man goes for that look, I can attest that this is completely untrue. Jasmine has been asked out by:
A surgeon
Journalist
Police officer
Tradesmen
GP

Pretty much every genre of guy. Intelligent, interesting etc They all seem nice enough and are eager for the chance to date her. And not just for sex, but for an actual relationship. Even after she's had sex with whoever she likes, they are then super eager to form an exclusive relationship.
I remember one week we were both laughing she'd have to buy more vases because she had three different men have flowers sent to her house.

Jasmine has a fun personality as well as looks so she's very much relationship material.

Now the problem is, over recent months when we've spent more times together, it's started to affect my self esteem. I normally have pretty good self esteem. Never had a problem in dating or was conscious about my looks. However I now can't help but compare myself to Jasmine. Comparison is the thief of joy, I know this. However how can you not compare when wherever you go, every man in sight are trampling over eachother for a chance to speak to her and I'm just sat on the sidelines as the 'wing woman'.

I've never once been asked out in her presence unless its by the friends of the man Jasmine has chosen, like a consolation prize of sorts.

I've NEVER had this issue before with any friendships. I've other pretty friends or course, but like most people, some will say pretty, others will say 'nit my cup of tea'. However Jasmine is EVERYONE'S cup of tea.

Unfortunately I feel my jealousy is ruining my friendship. I don't really want to attend events with her anymore because i always come home so deflated after a night of being overlooked and stood like a spare part when guys are hitting in her at the bar or at an activity.
It's not just men but women too. We'll get chatting to a group of other women somewhere and they'll always comment 'well aren't you a beauty!' and the like.

I actually worry that if I was to meet someone, I'd feel a bit anxious about them meeting her because I know they'll definitely be thinking 'damn she's attractive!'.

I really don't want this to affect my friendship with her, but I've found myself looking up veneers and fillers.
I have a lot of female friends, several groups of friends actually, and none have ever made me feel like this.

I was always so confident in my appearance but the more I hang out with her, the more I'm starting to doubt myself.

Does anyone have any advice to give me? Anyone ever been in this situation or similar?

I'd much appreciate any advice out there.

OP this sounds really tough and so get why you’d self esteem is taking a bashing.
The first thing I’d suggest is to not get fillers, veneers etc. unless this is something you want for yourself and not to try to echo Jasmine’s look.
There are some people in the world who are quite universally attractive and visible and people respond to them - that doesn’t mean you’re unattractive!

I think you need to reframe this - you say that you usually feel quite confident and attractive, but it’s the comparison that’s difficult. Remember, when you do date someone, they’re dating you and they chose you - the dynamics are different than on a group night out / social situation where people are looking to date. In group situations, people will often graduate to the most visible person - that’s not how 1 on 1 dating works.

I also think you should do something different with Jasmine (if you like her), e.g. spa, theatre etc. so, for the moment, you’re taking the comparison feeling out of this.

I just want to add that nothing about what you’ve written makes you petty or jealous. This is a very normal reaction to being repeatedly placed in a dynamic where you feel invisible.
Some people have a look that grabs the attention, and when you’re standing right next to them, it can make you feel like you’ve somehow become “less” even though nothing about you has changed. It’s the context, not your worth.

What a kind and reflective post! OP, you only need to read this response 👆🏻

Go Jasmine! She sounds great.

If you’ve decided you don’t really want to attend events with her anymore, that’s your choice.

It’s a shame you’d do that to her but she sounds very popular so it’s unlikely to make too much difference.

Plus she’s not going to have time to wait it out while you try to get help for your jealousy.

Just stop going out with her if it's causing you this much stress. Find some ugly friends to outshine and make yourself feel better.

Heading for nine billion people on this planet. You're not going to compare to them all 🤷

You’re too jealous of this woman to be friends with her and I think you should widen your social circle and find some other friends who don’t intimidate you with their beauty.

@NotAWurstToIt thank you for such a kind and objective post. That's actually made me feel so much better already.

I'll take your advice onboard and switch up our activities a bit.

I think it's more difficult because we are both dating so a lot of our discussions and gossip leans that way in terms of conversation and things we do. I think taking that aspect out of our friendship will make a difference in our dynamic.

It's the self doubt that's struck me moreso than the jealousy.

Seriously, thank you.

I think you're post shows you as totally normal, though the title of your post is horrid. To me it implies she is doing something in an effort to make you feel bad. Which she clearly isnt. She's just being.

When I read your posts what came into my mind was the sitcom modern families. The one where the step mum looks (in my view) quite fabulous. But you don't have to watch it a long time to realise that what the character looks like is a small, and not that important, part of the story.

Not all men are attracted to the most flashy girl in the room, I'm sure you are attractive in other ways. And those guys going after her are probably the ones you really don't want to get involved with, be thankful you are not her.

The jealousy is dripping from your op, even the title blames her, like she’s doing this to you. Not the issue is yours, which it is, you even write disdainfully about work she’s had done, like you’re a natural beauty and she’s fake.

i think it’s a shame, a real shame, as she sounds lovely, but if you can’t get past the superficial then end the friendship and go hang out with women you perceive to be less attractive than you.

Whay will you do though if you still don’t get hit on like you wish and realise Jasmine wasn’t the issue, it was always you?

it’s not her looks, it’s her looks and her confident happy personality. That’s what attracts people. Misery and jealousy is like a stench coming off someone. It can be smelled a mile away,

I agree to dial back on time spent with Jasmine. Yes, yes, being jealous is pointless and all that, but you’re only human after all. I had a friend who had a similar situation over money differences. Friend is divorced, living in a flat on benefits with her three kids, ex is an arsehole who does nothing. Two of her children have disabilities. Her life long best friend from school is incredibly wealthy, huge house, two healthy children in private school, multiple properties, multiple holidays a year …

Comparison is the thief of joy, but we all have to be realistic and not put ourselves through excessive pain.

No-one is everyone’s cup of tea. There may be people who appeal to a majority. And there will be people out there who prefer you to your friend OP.
Relationships are more than looks alone - 2 personalities need to be compatible, it’s not just the personality of the 1 person (your friend in this case) that is important, and everyone is different.
As a pp suggested, maybe do other stuff with Jasmine that doesn’t centre around meeting men, and either do that with someone else, or find different ways to do it alone (new hobbies etc).

Make your night out about other things, rather than meeting men. Enjoy each others company.

Did you ChatGPT that?

Oh God I would find that very difficult

@LifeTakeTwoi totally get this. My best friend is/was stunningly beautiful and I was always invisible when she was there especially when we were young and out socially or travelling.i have spent A LOT of evenings with the “friend” because the attractive guy was off with her. Even women would be bowled over by her because she’s really nice as well as being beautiful.

There’s nothing to say other than it can definitely affect your self esteem and you are more than allowed to feel that sometimes but ultimately you just have to be grown up about it, smile to yourself and laugh it off. Each of us has some special qualities and some people have an extra something and Jasmine’s is attractiveness. It is what it is.

What I would say though is that there is one person who thinks I am number one, who thinks I’m amazing - and that is her. To my best friend I am beautiful and clever and funny. She truly sees the best in me and is my biggest champion. So I get so much from our friendship and I just accept that she is just much more physically attractive than I am and than most people! And that’s ok! She also has lots of other qualities that I don’t have. And I have qualities that she doesn’t have. She’s the best friend I could ever have.

No?

I feel for you, OP, but it is true that not all men like that style of beauty. I had a friend once whom I felt 'outshone' me. She wasn't actually anything special without makeup and hair done etc, but she always made an effort and I used to feel a bit drab next to her. However, I still did get as much attention as she did, just from different men. Your example of different social classes of men liking her doesn't mean that all men do.

I would find that tough as well, and I am attractive lol. I think it’s true that you will need to limit your time with her and if making yourself look a bit better does help with your confidence then I say go for it - But only if you actually want this stuff done.

Also, just wait until she gets over 40. The men will disappear. The sort that likes that kind of beauty only ever likes women in their thirties at the very oldest.

Thank you so much to the posters who sympathise and have offered advice. I will be following it and taking it on board.

I'm fine with criticism but can we at least make it constructive with some advice to follow?

Actually that’s not true, it is just the men who are attracted age with you.

you sound jealous just at the thought of her, and that’s concerning, at least rhe op knows her.

The shallowness is dripping from this post. You've got it in your head that every man wants her, even those who are attached. It's like something out of a 1980s trashy novel.

This is so lovely.
Op being beautiful in that universal way is a double edged sword. It alters the way people treat you, for good and bad. It can be harder to make female friends and people are happy when you do badly or make mistakes. For women in particular as they age it can be really difficult to deal with being more invisible. Some people don’t have to make any effort to look beautiful, but it sounds as though Jasmine doesn’t actually feel very beautiful, or worries about not being beautiful, hence the fillers and veneers. So even Jasmine can’t just enjoy her own beauty.
Beauty is not a guarantee of happiness either, good looks don’t protect anyone from the tough things that life can throw. It can be harder to get any sympathy, just as when someone very wealthy has a difficult thing to deal with.
Do you really like and care for Jasmine as your friend ? In which case surely her looks don’t matter at all ? It’s such a superficial thing anyway, beauty can be transfixing but not for long if the person is cruel, or rude and unpleasant.
I can see it is hard to feel as though you are the one on the sidelines, but see it for what it is, a relatively nice and lucky thing that your friend has, that is meaningless in terms of how good a friend she is. You are placing yourself on the sidelines, it isn’t really to do with Jasmine at all.
Watch the Korean comedy romance drama “She Was Pretty” on Netflix.

It is true. Men who are that superficial want young women.