My beautiful friend is causing me horrible jealousy

[LifeTakeTwo]

Can't believe I'm posting this but I really do need advice and alternative perspectives here because this is not healthy.

I have a really close friend. We are both single mums, dating and enjoying life. We've been good friends for years and do a lot together, speak pretty much everyday and go on holidays together.

My friend, let's call her 'Jasmine', is absolutely stunning. I mean, the first thing people say when I mention her name is 'jasmine, is that the really pretty one?' or 'oh is jasmine that girl in your photo? She's so beautiful!'

Jasmine is naturally gorgeous I'll admit, but she's also had a lot of work done. Lip filler, veneers etc. She puts in A LOT of work to maximise her beauty. She is definitely aware of her beauty because that's the first thing people comment on when meeting her (men and women).

As me and Jasmine are both single, we go on nights out and events together a couple of times a month when we don't have our kids. Every place we go too, every man in the room is checking her out, whether partnered or on their own. If we end up speaking to a group of guys, they are all pretty much talking to her and I'm the third wheel or second option once she's chosen which one she's going to give her attention too.

Despite the myth that men like 'natural beauties' and don't like women with 'work done', or only a certain type of man goes for that look, I can attest that this is completely untrue. Jasmine has been asked out by:
A surgeon
Journalist
Police officer
Tradesmen
GP

Pretty much every genre of guy. Intelligent, interesting etc They all seem nice enough and are eager for the chance to date her. And not just for sex, but for an actual relationship. Even after she's had sex with whoever she likes, they are then super eager to form an exclusive relationship.
I remember one week we were both laughing she'd have to buy more vases because she had three different men have flowers sent to her house.

Jasmine has a fun personality as well as looks so she's very much relationship material.

Now the problem is, over recent months when we've spent more times together, it's started to affect my self esteem. I normally have pretty good self esteem. Never had a problem in dating or was conscious about my looks. However I now can't help but compare myself to Jasmine. Comparison is the thief of joy, I know this. However how can you not compare when wherever you go, every man in sight are trampling over eachother for a chance to speak to her and I'm just sat on the sidelines as the 'wing woman'.

I've never once been asked out in her presence unless its by the friends of the man Jasmine has chosen, like a consolation prize of sorts.

I've NEVER had this issue before with any friendships. I've other pretty friends or course, but like most people, some will say pretty, others will say 'nit my cup of tea'. However Jasmine is EVERYONE'S cup of tea.

Unfortunately I feel my jealousy is ruining my friendship. I don't really want to attend events with her anymore because i always come home so deflated after a night of being overlooked and stood like a spare part when guys are hitting in her at the bar or at an activity.
It's not just men but women too. We'll get chatting to a group of other women somewhere and they'll always comment 'well aren't you a beauty!' and the like.

I actually worry that if I was to meet someone, I'd feel a bit anxious about them meeting her because I know they'll definitely be thinking 'damn she's attractive!'.

I really don't want this to affect my friendship with her, but I've found myself looking up veneers and fillers.
I have a lot of female friends, several groups of friends actually, and none have ever made me feel like this.

I was always so confident in my appearance but the more I hang out with her, the more I'm starting to doubt myself.

Does anyone have any advice to give me? Anyone ever been in this situation or similar?

I'd much appreciate any advice out there.

I don’t think it is particularly horrible, just realistic. Lots of men do run when they find out a woman has children, especially when she’s the RP as most women are because they won’t have as much time to spend with them on dates and such. I wasn’t trying to be awful, it’s just the real world.

This thread reeks of everything that is wrong with modern life and fake superficial materialism and yet makes no one truly happy deep down. No wonder mental health is all time high, people with fillers and botox included.

She behaves badly when the two of you go out. I'd suggest only going with her in a larger group if she's going to places on the pull, so you're not left alone when she wanders off. Do you have other mutual friends?

It's a bit sad that she drops you just to talk to random men she has no interest in, just for an ego boost. Her manners need work. I wonder what the men really think of her when they see how she treats a friend?

Without sounding conceited, people class me as a ‘Jasmine’. However, when I was in my teens / twenties and single, me and my best friend would go out drinking and clubbing. Although she classed herself as ‘nothing special looks wise - bog average’ she had the confidence of an A list star, knew her worth and had a cracking personality.

While I was stood making polite conversation with men I wasn’t interested in but was too shy to tell them to piss off, she would stroll up to the fittest man in the room and shoot her shot and men loved her confidence!! She pulled some of the best looking men ever.

I was in awe of how self assured she was, how she could just walk up to a man and strike up conversation and got what SHE wanted where as I was reliant on hoping a decent guy would come and talk to me. Even now we’re older, married with kids, she still has a confidence I would love.

I had( have) a friend like this.we went out every week and all the attention was on her.i wasnt the most confident to begin with, but it destroyed my self esteem.i stopped going out with her and 30 years lated we're still friends and i love her dearly.we just meet for lunch now.

This is not real. Totally fake story. Sorry, not Sorry, OP but you've been busted.

@LifeTakeTwo I do feel for you.

But I can tell you not ALL men go for the fake look, some do prefer natural. My DP for one.

Obviously what you are currently experiencing is not this. But im just trying to give you a reality check as you are a bit lost in this spiral.

You do you. And the right person will come. The person that are choosing her isnt your person

Do other things eg theatre cinema hiking with J.
Take up hobbies where the purpose is something other than meeting guys.
Only put on make-up!

Lots of women are attractive.

Only a few are beautiful.

If your friend is in this category, then lucky her. But there will be women out there still more gorgeous than her, and perhaps she feels insecure around them too.

No matter how beautiful you are, there will always be someone more beautiful. So it's not a good basis for self esteem, especially given how fleeting it is.

Such a daft and unnecessarily bitchy response.

A short, practical and interesting book which may help you is "Overcoming Jealousy" by Dr Windy Dryden.

basically develop your own personality and style etc there will always be someone better, smarter, sexier, etc that will turn heads, so for me embrace yourself and focus on developing your skills and use your friend to get yourself noticed too, because yes she may be the focus but your also in the picture and that can be your angle when needed

or if you want a book then the 48 laws of power is a good read

I have a very beautiful friend. It’s honestly mind boggling to go out with her. I can’t imagine going everywhere being told how beautiful I am. And that is her normal - I suppose she might be the one who ends up feeling invisible at some point.

that said, my friend, whilst confident still has her hang ups. And she is truly lovely. I have at points wished for it to be me, but in the end, I just make the best of my lot. We all have our own things going for us. I don’t think she keeps me around to be the ugly friend.

I can't imagine anybody really NEEDS to get work (filters, veneers, etc) done- with a few exceptions for medical conditions. I would not want to go out with a man that was shallow enough to ignore me for my attractive friend (I've been there, I used to intervene when dodgy men started dancing with my attractive friend by dancing between them, at which point the dodgy man would go away)! There will be men out there that find you more attractive than your friend. Maybe try going out with a different friend and see what it's like, but don't sack this one off!

Hi op I’ve been in your shoes and the invisibility is the worst because you go out together then your dropped like hot potato like others said try changing the dynamic even if she’s stunning there is no need to ignore you once she has attention if the next time you do go out and she does this I would personally leave her to it I wouldn’t even tell her then when she asks you can say oh I didn’t think you cared. No wonder she’s not a girls girl your her wingwoman.

Been in this situation and it’s really tough. You really need to love a friend deeply to make the relationship worth it, I think. My friend and I had a falling out (long story, unrelated to looks). It was a shame but also somewhat of a relief not be friends anymore tbh for all the reasons you’ve given.

You have had some great advice on here -work on your own self esteem and re-frame your friendship.

However, I just wanted to add one thing - don't deny your friend her time in the sun. Life is long and full of heartbreak and neither of you know what is waiting for you.

I had a friend who outshone me when we were dating in our twenties. I ceased to exist when she was around! It didn't affect our friendship because I met my now DH quite early on so I was a bystander to the male attention she got and found it amusing, although quite a few men did not deal with her rejection very well - it wasn't always fun to be her.

She then met a lovely guy who matched her in looks, who was sweet and funny and they seemed so well matched. He proposed to her at my wedding, she rang me when I got back from my honeymoon to tell me the good news. She was so excited, she even wanted to get pregnant the same time as me so we could take maternity leave together and a wonderful life just seemed to spread out in front of us. We were 27, we were all good friends, and we felt invincible.

Then, her fiancee was diagnosed with cancer and two years later, he died, just five day before the birth of my first child. It destroyed her and for a couple of years we had no contact as she couldn't face meeting my DD. Grief has hollowed her out and it has ruined every relationship she has tried to have since because no one can compete with a dead man. She never had those children she so desperately wanted and she told me recently she has given up on ever trying to find love. We are in our 50s and have so much life left to live, I would give ANYTHING for her to find that spark she used to have, to reconnect with that beautiful young girl who still lives inside her and to outshine me again everywhere we go.

If she’s a good friend, then I would move to things that don’t end up with you sitting on the side line. As others have said, go to the cinema, dinner etc.
We all know we shouldn’t compare but we do it. Rather than keep bashing your self-esteem, change the environment

I totally sympathise, I have a beautiful friend (inside and out!) who was a model when we were in our 20s and she got ALL the attention but we were doing activities back then where the appearance was a big focus - dating, clubbing, wild holidays. We're both in our 40s now with kids and generally we're hanging out in garden centres or sofplay and no one gives a monkeys what anyone looks like and appearance isnt the primary value that anyone is attaching to you. I think the fact you are both dating is probably making you unduly compare yourself. Maybe do the dating stuff separately and hang out with her where folk dont care what you look like? Im sure you have wonderful qualities that you are overlooking!

Not really getting where she "sounds so fab and great!" I haven't seen anything from the op where she is described as anything other than annoying and narcissistic.

I had a brief Jasmine phase in 2010 where I was working out hard, and had finally learned how to dress, wore a lot of heels, etc. I did get a LOT of attention, and I promise I stayed down to earth, but I still lost a lot of female friends, and some girls at work stopped inviting me to lunches. It was bizarre and upsetting.

If you can't be nice about Jasmine, maybe look for some new friends, or wait for her to get older and fatter.

You've had a lot of lovely advice but one thing I will say (maybe being a little older) is you don't know what her life path, nor yours, will be. Maybe hers is a flame that will burn brightly and be short lived... maybe you will meet the love of your life and be so happy, and she won't... maybe not, but only when you look back on your life, when you are older, will you know. So be happy for her and her beauty and her attention. That's her story right now. It doesn't mean this is the whole story. I promise you too... someone who emanates such positivity around her friend will be very attractive to others. However, to echo a previous poster... change your nights out so it's not all about meeting men!

My best friend growing up was stunning. Scouted by models one and I was the second choice. However I met someone lovely at 21 and have been married 38 years. My friend has never been married and has not aged well as she smoked and was a diet queen. I looked my best at 30+.

My husband was looking for intelligence and a different body shape (I'm curvy).
Your friend sounds lovely inside and out. Remember you can have some tweeks if you want. Don't do it to catch men though. They're usually not worth it
I agree about trying a different activity with an opportunity to attract new friends.

There are some very mean spirited replies on here. I'd hazard a guess that most people know what you mean and how you mean it.

She’s still single. I rest my case