My beautiful friend is causing me horrible jealousy

[LifeTakeTwo]

Can't believe I'm posting this but I really do need advice and alternative perspectives here because this is not healthy.

I have a really close friend. We are both single mums, dating and enjoying life. We've been good friends for years and do a lot together, speak pretty much everyday and go on holidays together.

My friend, let's call her 'Jasmine', is absolutely stunning. I mean, the first thing people say when I mention her name is 'jasmine, is that the really pretty one?' or 'oh is jasmine that girl in your photo? She's so beautiful!'

Jasmine is naturally gorgeous I'll admit, but she's also had a lot of work done. Lip filler, veneers etc. She puts in A LOT of work to maximise her beauty. She is definitely aware of her beauty because that's the first thing people comment on when meeting her (men and women).

As me and Jasmine are both single, we go on nights out and events together a couple of times a month when we don't have our kids. Every place we go too, every man in the room is checking her out, whether partnered or on their own. If we end up speaking to a group of guys, they are all pretty much talking to her and I'm the third wheel or second option once she's chosen which one she's going to give her attention too.

Despite the myth that men like 'natural beauties' and don't like women with 'work done', or only a certain type of man goes for that look, I can attest that this is completely untrue. Jasmine has been asked out by:
A surgeon
Journalist
Police officer
Tradesmen
GP

Pretty much every genre of guy. Intelligent, interesting etc They all seem nice enough and are eager for the chance to date her. And not just for sex, but for an actual relationship. Even after she's had sex with whoever she likes, they are then super eager to form an exclusive relationship.
I remember one week we were both laughing she'd have to buy more vases because she had three different men have flowers sent to her house.

Jasmine has a fun personality as well as looks so she's very much relationship material.

Now the problem is, over recent months when we've spent more times together, it's started to affect my self esteem. I normally have pretty good self esteem. Never had a problem in dating or was conscious about my looks. However I now can't help but compare myself to Jasmine. Comparison is the thief of joy, I know this. However how can you not compare when wherever you go, every man in sight are trampling over eachother for a chance to speak to her and I'm just sat on the sidelines as the 'wing woman'.

I've never once been asked out in her presence unless its by the friends of the man Jasmine has chosen, like a consolation prize of sorts.

I've NEVER had this issue before with any friendships. I've other pretty friends or course, but like most people, some will say pretty, others will say 'nit my cup of tea'. However Jasmine is EVERYONE'S cup of tea.

Unfortunately I feel my jealousy is ruining my friendship. I don't really want to attend events with her anymore because i always come home so deflated after a night of being overlooked and stood like a spare part when guys are hitting in her at the bar or at an activity.
It's not just men but women too. We'll get chatting to a group of other women somewhere and they'll always comment 'well aren't you a beauty!' and the like.

I actually worry that if I was to meet someone, I'd feel a bit anxious about them meeting her because I know they'll definitely be thinking 'damn she's attractive!'.

I really don't want this to affect my friendship with her, but I've found myself looking up veneers and fillers.
I have a lot of female friends, several groups of friends actually, and none have ever made me feel like this.

I was always so confident in my appearance but the more I hang out with her, the more I'm starting to doubt myself.

Does anyone have any advice to give me? Anyone ever been in this situation or similar?

I'd much appreciate any advice out there.

But she is single just like you????

Could you go out with her in a group of other women so its not so impactful? Or failing this, do different things with her where there won't be so many men on the pull?
If these things aren't possible, your best bet is to try to accept. Jasmine is an anomaly, not an 'ordinary' woman, so you need to learn to expect this behaviour from men when with her so you won't be continually upset by it. Perhaps you could go out now and again with other people for a break from it, and to give you a better sense of who you are when not in her shadow?

She's a single mum though so she can't be that great if she can't find someone to settle down with. Her looks will run out at somepoint and no one will want to shag her then so she'll end up on the shelf with her frozen face and veneered teeth. Nothing to be jealous about really, sounds like she's a serial dater who can't hold down a relationship.

@Sunlitsoul Well that puts it bluntly.😂

Tbh @LifeTakeTwo did say that Jasmine is still single because she has a specific type and person she's looking for and won't settle for anything less (which is great). I hope that she realizes that love is the most important attribute though, not the size of his wallet, for example.

@LifeTakeTwo Do what makes you happy. Other mutual friends have warned you that Jasmine is self-centered and distanced themselves, so if you feel that you need to as well, do it.

But nothing suggests the men are superficial. Being attracted to a beautiful women itself doesn’t make a man superficial.

Hells bells. I’m almost 60 abd I still turn heads. And heads of all ages.
leaves me bemused but it isn’t true that everyone suddenly gets unattractive when they get older

40??

Gosh you actually sound insanely jealous and bitter, and uouve never even met her, just at the mere thought of her. At least the op has managed a friendship and even went dating with her.

All those needles and stuff is expensive, so please be careful-you don't say she earns more than you, but maybe that is the case, and I've seen people go into debt for it, feeling very insecure, and it can have horrible consequences. Maybe that isn't relevant if you earn loads, but I wouldn't want want happened to some people who get into debt to happen to anyone else.

One thing I thought about this - you know how insecure you’re feeling and having low self esteem to the point you’re considering fillers etc - she has been there and done that. Maybe she’s more confident now, maybe it’s not actually that genuine and she’ll feel the need to do more and more to herself as time goes on (usually the case).

The fact she entertains the attention of men she has no interest in speaks to low confidence imo. Needing the validation etc. Just try not to be too harsh towards her. The only thing she’s really done is putting her insecurities ahead of yours by prioritising these men instead of you when you’re together.

You must have heard of celebrities being deeply unhappy with themselves even though they seem to be desirable to the entire outside world (Marilyn Monroe for example). It’s not as simple as it seems.

It also might be why none of the men she’s attracting are really what she wants. If her confidence is only superficial, maybe her connections are the same - maybe she doesn’t let them get properly close because she thinks they’ll reject the real her. Then she rejects them first.

I sympathise, OP.
Many years ago, when i was at university, i was friends with a very pretty group of girls and i was definitely the ‘ugly’ one. Think blonde, tanned , beautiful and confident and I was the geeky shy emo goth in the corner! As a result i never thought i had a chance with men and just kind of stopped trying. I even made a joke of it.
Imagine my surprise when one day a male friend kissed me. I never thought i had a chance with that guy, i later found out that although he thought my friends were attractive objectively, he thought i was kinder and down to earth.

So- If you still want to hang out with Jasmine as a friend i think it’s wise to not view her as competition. Instead of trying to look like her, be different from her. Are you into music, sports , tell funny jokes, a good listener, have an interesting job?
You can play up your strengths. You will meet someone who likes and admires you for who you are. Although a lot of men might find Jasmine attractive, there will be someone who has more in common with you and who gets on with you better than her.
I do think for balance it would be good for you to go out with some other friends once in a while.

Good luck to you . I know it’s not an easy situation to be in.

how unpleasant. Are you always quite so ghastly ?

Agree. First response nails it!
Keep your chin up, OP.

You’re not a friend you’re a frienemy. Jasmine should do herself a favour and find friends who celebrate her, her choices and her achievements. You judge her for having veneers and fillers, you’re jealous that she has a house full of flowers … you’re angry that she’s more attractive to others than you are. Maybe unconsciously they are picking up on her happy disposition and also your negativity. I’m not drop dead gorgeous by any stretch but I’ve had enough women who resent me in my life to know when I’m better off alone …

@TheDevilWears Hmm, I actually think that Jasmine might be a frienemy too, because she ditches the OP when other people pay her attention. Plus, mutual friends have commented that she's self-absorbed and have already distanced themselves from her - but not from the OP.

Perhaps they're each other's frienemies and therefore it's better for both of them to end the friendship?!

I'm backing away now. Thank you for this kind message poster. I can't believe the number of spiteful and unhelpful messages here. Who do people have to do this?

I’m not sure, the op is clearly really jealous of her, and sometimes that can colour your view and what you say about someone, she was always going to be spiteful due to it. So I’d maybe take the ops view with a pinch of salt . I’m sure she does speak to guys when they aapproach her, they are out looking to date, what’s she supposed to do, say sorry can’t chat, need to talk to my mate instead or sorry can we make it a 3 way convo. thay would be a bit pointless when on the pull.

and I’m not convinced people distance themselves as the op is saying. I think the issue here is extreme jealousy.

Who knows @Safarisagoody. Anyway, I agree with those saying that the OP needs to either distance herself from Jasmine or channel their friendship towards activities other than going out on the pull. As they have mutual friends, girls' nights out might be more fun, for example (assuming that their mutual friends do like Jasmine more than the OP is implying)

Thinking about it, a couple of my friends are former models and although I objectively know how attractive they are, it seldom crosses my mind as we're so busy talking when we meet up! We're there to see each other though and/or do activities.

I can sympathise OP, I’ve felt this recently too on a night out with one of my friends who is gorgeous.

I’m told I’m attractive and when I look in the mirror I feel good but then when I’m next to her I feel I don’t compare and she gets all the attention.

Not long ago we were together and I put a picture of us both on my socials and all my guy friends started adding her as a friend and messaging her.
It stings a little but I love her and won’t stop hanging out with her. But like you, I feel second best when I’m with her and my confidence is a little low afterwards.

My best friend was also stunningly beautiful when we were teens/twenties. And yes I’ve been the consolation prize friend on occasion. But she was always a girls girl. I was never ignored, she would never go off with a man when out with me. Yes i sometimes wished I looked like her but I was friends with her because she was clever, funny and a nice person. I also had other friends I would go out with separately.

it doesn’t sound like it’s about her looks, more like it’s the way she treats you when you are out together

Send her loving kindness every time you feel jealous ☺️

She may be beautiful but a single mum, irrespective of beauty plenty of men would run a mile just because she has children. I don’t know what to say, you either fix your insecurities or ditch the friendship and start hanging out with equals.

What a horrible thing to write,and plenty of men won’t. What’s your point. She wouldn’t wish to be with anyone who doesn’t wish kids. So no loss.

Beautifully said

There's only one reason why she's getting all that intention and it isn't to propose to her. Once a man had his way, a good looking woman would soon be a distant memory, when he's looking for his next conquest. That's the reality whether we like it or not.