My beautiful friend is causing me horrible jealousy

[LifeTakeTwo]

Can't believe I'm posting this but I really do need advice and alternative perspectives here because this is not healthy.

I have a really close friend. We are both single mums, dating and enjoying life. We've been good friends for years and do a lot together, speak pretty much everyday and go on holidays together.

My friend, let's call her 'Jasmine', is absolutely stunning. I mean, the first thing people say when I mention her name is 'jasmine, is that the really pretty one?' or 'oh is jasmine that girl in your photo? She's so beautiful!'

Jasmine is naturally gorgeous I'll admit, but she's also had a lot of work done. Lip filler, veneers etc. She puts in A LOT of work to maximise her beauty. She is definitely aware of her beauty because that's the first thing people comment on when meeting her (men and women).

As me and Jasmine are both single, we go on nights out and events together a couple of times a month when we don't have our kids. Every place we go too, every man in the room is checking her out, whether partnered or on their own. If we end up speaking to a group of guys, they are all pretty much talking to her and I'm the third wheel or second option once she's chosen which one she's going to give her attention too.

Despite the myth that men like 'natural beauties' and don't like women with 'work done', or only a certain type of man goes for that look, I can attest that this is completely untrue. Jasmine has been asked out by:
A surgeon
Journalist
Police officer
Tradesmen
GP

Pretty much every genre of guy. Intelligent, interesting etc They all seem nice enough and are eager for the chance to date her. And not just for sex, but for an actual relationship. Even after she's had sex with whoever she likes, they are then super eager to form an exclusive relationship.
I remember one week we were both laughing she'd have to buy more vases because she had three different men have flowers sent to her house.

Jasmine has a fun personality as well as looks so she's very much relationship material.

Now the problem is, over recent months when we've spent more times together, it's started to affect my self esteem. I normally have pretty good self esteem. Never had a problem in dating or was conscious about my looks. However I now can't help but compare myself to Jasmine. Comparison is the thief of joy, I know this. However how can you not compare when wherever you go, every man in sight are trampling over eachother for a chance to speak to her and I'm just sat on the sidelines as the 'wing woman'.

I've never once been asked out in her presence unless its by the friends of the man Jasmine has chosen, like a consolation prize of sorts.

I've NEVER had this issue before with any friendships. I've other pretty friends or course, but like most people, some will say pretty, others will say 'nit my cup of tea'. However Jasmine is EVERYONE'S cup of tea.

Unfortunately I feel my jealousy is ruining my friendship. I don't really want to attend events with her anymore because i always come home so deflated after a night of being overlooked and stood like a spare part when guys are hitting in her at the bar or at an activity.
It's not just men but women too. We'll get chatting to a group of other women somewhere and they'll always comment 'well aren't you a beauty!' and the like.

I actually worry that if I was to meet someone, I'd feel a bit anxious about them meeting her because I know they'll definitely be thinking 'damn she's attractive!'.

I really don't want this to affect my friendship with her, but I've found myself looking up veneers and fillers.
I have a lot of female friends, several groups of friends actually, and none have ever made me feel like this.

I was always so confident in my appearance but the more I hang out with her, the more I'm starting to doubt myself.

Does anyone have any advice to give me? Anyone ever been in this situation or similar?

I'd much appreciate any advice out there.

OP I think you're getting a rough ride here. No one wants to go for a night out and then end up without anyone to talk to because their mate is ignoring them. Can you have nights out which focus on doing an activity (cinema/theatre etc) and less on going to bars and meeting men?

Also have you tried online dating? It might help you meet men who are interested in you and who won't be comparing you to Jasmine.

Many of us would feel exactly the same, don’t feel guilty for how you feel. In my early 20s I had a beautiful friend with big boobs and always felt (was) sidelined next to her, but didn’t let it ruin the friendship. No advice from me but please don’t have lots of work done just to compete. I am sure you are beautiful without!

I was sort of in this situation. My best friend at Uni was stunning. All the lads were obsessed with her. I was completely invisible next to her. I was shy too which didn’t help.

The situation didn’t resolve at Uni so I don’t have any words of wisdom but once I’d graduated and we went our separate ways, I had a boyfriend in no time and I’ve never had a problem with getting male attention since.

It is a hard situation to be in especially when the friend is a good person and good friend.

Not sure if you’ve answered the question, I may have missed it but if she has all these lovely men pursuing her and not just wanting sex how come she is still single? I’m not making a point, I’m genuinely curious. Maybe the men aren’t that great or maybe she sees how superficial they are?

To turn it around a bit, when me and my friend used to go out, it was me that got all the attention. One particular night, we met a group of blokes, I got talking to the fit one and she started talking to one of the others. They've now been married about a decade!

Reality check - 50% of the women on this planet look wayyyy better than you, are taller than you, have a better body than you, have more money than you, are better educated than you, more intelligent than you, better cooks than you, more interesting than you, etc. That's real. Now ask yourself are you going to feel bad about YOURSELF because of that every time you meet one of those people?

Girlfriend, I suggest you see a therapist because this issue isn't about Jasmine at all - it's about your belief that you don't measure up, are less, aren't as good, aren't as worthy, etc. Comparing yourself to others so you don't measure up is your low self esteem talking. Nothing about what you typed indicates that Jasmine has negatively judged or compared herself to you in any way. It's YOU comparing YOURSELF TO HER!

If she is a good solid have your back friend, then deal with it. If not, then cut her loose - but not because of her looks or popularity, but because she is a fair weather friend you can't depend on.

I had a friend like this (a lovely person, also highly intelligent with charisma in spades). She attracted men like bees round a honeypot. I never got a look-in when out with her.

But it’s a double-edged sword because they are attracted to your looks, and that wears off. Also, it tends to be the confident ones with a roving eye that chat up the real stunner.

I met the love of my life, married and had children. She never met the right person, married too late to have kids, is now divorced (see “confident with roving eye” comment above) and single. We are in our 50s. She is on antidepressants, I am not.

For you - just go out with some other friends so you get some balance. And know the grass is not always greener.

Do you have other mutual friends you can go out in a group with? So if she gets attention you others can get on with it?

I used to have this problem with a friend. It was shit. Especially as she used to ignore me as soon as she’d pulled. I was just someone to go with. Perhaps suggest a hike, cinema, shopping with her instead.

or you could say to her that you end up feeling like a spare wheel when you’re with her - it’s not her fault but if you go out to spend time with each other and end up talking with others, it can be pretty annoying. I have a friend who makes friends with every waitress and shop assistant. It’s fucking boring.

Hmm so from your update, it seems it’s more how Jasmine responds to the attention from men that is the problem, rather than the actual attention.
Ditching a friend and not including her is really rude, you aren’t going out just to chat to her until a bloke appears !
Maybe she is just not a woman’s woman. It does sound as though male attention (and validation in general) is her main focus. Perhaps she is actually not very secure or as happy as she seems. I wonder how things were for her growing up.
I think you need to see less of her, and not go out in situations where she is looking for a man. It’s not really about her looks at all by the sound of it. She sounds quite shallow and inconsiderate.

I would just take a step back from her. If the point of going out together is to meet dateable men, then her presence is working against you, because the men who "pick" you, when she is present, are generally doing so because she hasn't shown an interest in them. Before they ask for your number, they already feel like you are second-best. I don't see how you construct a romantic relationship when that is the starting line, if you see what I mean?

You don't exist just to be her wingwoman or to help her get dates - it's ok to do what is best for you rather than what is best for her.

Also, if she tends to ignore you when she is being courted by men when you are out together, then she is being rude and dismissive of you and that is not good friendship behavior and I don't think you should tolerate it. The outcome might not change even if she made efforts to include you - the men who chat her up might make a valiant effort to seem like they are including you but maybe even then it will be obvious to everyone that you are surplus to requirements - but it sounds like she doesn't even try to include you, so you don't have to worry about whether you are being fair to her efforts to include you (since she isn't making any).

It is affecting your friendship though. Awesome and lovely as Jasmine is, it's ok to not want to spend the evening as a scorched house plant is Jasmine's radiance.
Is it ok to pull back from the friendship a little bit. I think yes...and it certainly doesn't mean you re jealous.
Get some non film star looks friends.

I agree. It's the only way if she makes you feel inferior because she is so wonderful in every way.

Yes, agree.

How do you know that 50% of women on the planet look better than OP?

To the people asking why Jasmine is still single it's because she has a specific type and person she's looking for and won't settle for anything less (which is great). She has so many options of lovely, good looking men with good jobs who other women would gladly snap up. But unless she feels that chemistry with all the other boxes ticked, she won't commit.

She could have a good looking, financially stable man tomorrow if she wanted. But she's holding out for the one. It's admirable.

But despite it being admirable it also adds to the annoyance. Because on nights out and weekends away she's entertaining and centering these men that she has 0 interest in and will never go on a date with.
I think it'd maybe grate less if I was being sidelined for genuine connections and potential partners. But being ignored by her or having to hang out with a group of men she has no interest in romantically is a kicker and a waste of both out time.

I don't know whether or not too address the whole ignoring me thing with her. I did the time she spent 30 minutes ignoring me and her response was along the lines of 'sorry, I wouldn't mind if you did it. Let's not fall out'. It was brushed off essentially.

I don't want to slate her because she does have some good qualities or I wouldn't entertain her. But I think I've realised the friendship is bringing me more negatives than positives at the moment. Whether that's purely because of me and my jealousy, her and her judgement/dismissive behaviour or a mixture of both.

I've been avoiding her the last couple of days. Last time I saw her, several guys approached her as usual and I was left scrolling on my phone. Then a few days later when I found myself looking up fillers and I had a sudden jolt of 'wtf am I doing?'. So decided to take a step back to reflect on this.

For the record, I have many other friendships but they are all in relationships which is why I spend the most time with her as were in the same situation with regards to our life stage.

I've never once had feelings of jealousy or insecurity with any of my other friends and I once lived in a house of 5 women for 2 years. Many of them very pretty! Still friends with them all and never any issues.

I don’t agree that every man finds the same women attractive and vice versa so don’t be so hard on yourself.

May I ask how old Jasmine is ? And if we were to say a celebrity she looked the closest to, who would it be?

I'm so intrigued. I don't think I've ever met anyone who gets this massive reaction.

Men are shallow op . More fool them .

I had a friend like this - she looked incredible. Tall, skinny, big boobs - men literally gravitated towards her and if we ever went out clubbing she got loads of attention. But here's the thing - if i went out with different friends, ones not as conventionally attractive as my "hot" friend, guys still ignored me!!

I am definitely attractive. So I don't think it was about my looks. I'm very shy and give off a serious, kind of "don't approach me!" vibe and I think that's why guys paid me less interest. OP you mentioned that Jasmine has a really dazzling personality - i would bet my money that it's the hot + extrovert combo that is why she gets so much attention.

If it's getting you down I think it's best not to go to bars with her though. It spoils the fun when you're constantly feeling sidelined in this way. As pp have suggested, find other things to do with Jasmine, and maybe see if you can find some other friends to go out with for drinks.

Laughing at "every genre of men".

I am Jasmine (without the fillers and work). Well, I was. I'm in my fifties now and would strongly urge any young woman looking for a lasting relationship to look for someone who likes you for more than your looks.

What a mean girl comment. Truly, you sound awful.

I dunno I think sometimes life is easier when you are just pretty without always being the most beautiful woman in the room. It’s easier to get older and it’s easier to attract people just for who you are. Jasmine sounds lovely.

OP, I would add that the men who flock around Jasmine very likely are just there for her beauty. Just because they ask her out again, doesn't mean they after commitment. They're after her body! I know this because I used to be very slender and attractive when young and always had men after me. I don't think I was Jasmine level, but I was pretty enough to get lots of male attention. Even the captain of a large cruise ship once! (Nothing happened.)

Well, all these men were no more interested in a committed relationship with me than they were with anyone else. The minute I showed a personality or had a complaint, like not calling me for a week, they changed their tune. They became every bit as hostile as certain men do now on being displeased, although I am now fat and old. So don't be fooled. Those men are dancing attention on her for their own nefarious means.

I think it's easier to find a soulmate when you're not attracting every chancer in town. I also routinely found that men refused to talk to me like I had a brain. They literally point-blank refused to talk about things like politics or have any in-depth discussions with me. I would be talking about something and getting animated, and they would literally tell me to stop talking, in not so many words. It was like I was ruining their fun with the pretty dolly. You have FAR more chance of a man seeing your character than Jasmine does, sadly.

I was very pretty, and it was really lonely. Men just wanted to get their leg over, and some women didn't want to be friends with me. Now I'm not attractive, and I'm far less lonely.

Here's an article that offers food for thought:

What it's like to go through life as a really beautiful woman
archive.ph/RHiJE

@SonnyHoney I don't want to be too outing but imagine a young Salma Hayek with a touch of Penelope Cruz. Undeniably gorgeous and not your everyday beauty.

I've even had male colleagues ask me at work 'who's your friend?!' when I've posted pictures of us on social media.

I totally agree with this.