My beautiful friend is causing me horrible jealousy

[LifeTakeTwo]

Can't believe I'm posting this but I really do need advice and alternative perspectives here because this is not healthy.

I have a really close friend. We are both single mums, dating and enjoying life. We've been good friends for years and do a lot together, speak pretty much everyday and go on holidays together.

My friend, let's call her 'Jasmine', is absolutely stunning. I mean, the first thing people say when I mention her name is 'jasmine, is that the really pretty one?' or 'oh is jasmine that girl in your photo? She's so beautiful!'

Jasmine is naturally gorgeous I'll admit, but she's also had a lot of work done. Lip filler, veneers etc. She puts in A LOT of work to maximise her beauty. She is definitely aware of her beauty because that's the first thing people comment on when meeting her (men and women).

As me and Jasmine are both single, we go on nights out and events together a couple of times a month when we don't have our kids. Every place we go too, every man in the room is checking her out, whether partnered or on their own. If we end up speaking to a group of guys, they are all pretty much talking to her and I'm the third wheel or second option once she's chosen which one she's going to give her attention too.

Despite the myth that men like 'natural beauties' and don't like women with 'work done', or only a certain type of man goes for that look, I can attest that this is completely untrue. Jasmine has been asked out by:
A surgeon
Journalist
Police officer
Tradesmen
GP

Pretty much every genre of guy. Intelligent, interesting etc They all seem nice enough and are eager for the chance to date her. And not just for sex, but for an actual relationship. Even after she's had sex with whoever she likes, they are then super eager to form an exclusive relationship.
I remember one week we were both laughing she'd have to buy more vases because she had three different men have flowers sent to her house.

Jasmine has a fun personality as well as looks so she's very much relationship material.

Now the problem is, over recent months when we've spent more times together, it's started to affect my self esteem. I normally have pretty good self esteem. Never had a problem in dating or was conscious about my looks. However I now can't help but compare myself to Jasmine. Comparison is the thief of joy, I know this. However how can you not compare when wherever you go, every man in sight are trampling over eachother for a chance to speak to her and I'm just sat on the sidelines as the 'wing woman'.

I've never once been asked out in her presence unless its by the friends of the man Jasmine has chosen, like a consolation prize of sorts.

I've NEVER had this issue before with any friendships. I've other pretty friends or course, but like most people, some will say pretty, others will say 'nit my cup of tea'. However Jasmine is EVERYONE'S cup of tea.

Unfortunately I feel my jealousy is ruining my friendship. I don't really want to attend events with her anymore because i always come home so deflated after a night of being overlooked and stood like a spare part when guys are hitting in her at the bar or at an activity.
It's not just men but women too. We'll get chatting to a group of other women somewhere and they'll always comment 'well aren't you a beauty!' and the like.

I actually worry that if I was to meet someone, I'd feel a bit anxious about them meeting her because I know they'll definitely be thinking 'damn she's attractive!'.

I really don't want this to affect my friendship with her, but I've found myself looking up veneers and fillers.
I have a lot of female friends, several groups of friends actually, and none have ever made me feel like this.

I was always so confident in my appearance but the more I hang out with her, the more I'm starting to doubt myself.

Does anyone have any advice to give me? Anyone ever been in this situation or similar?

I'd much appreciate any advice out there.

I can completely empathise. I’ve been in a similar situation and it did affect my self esteem. I just needed to do more stuff with other people and spend less time with her in those type of social situations. It wasn’t her fault and I knew that. But I had to take care of myself. I did eventually meet someone and was so scared to introduce him to her. But luckily he thought I was the bees knees so it all went well. He told me she wasn’t his type I was!

Hi op in your shoes I might feel slightly used in the sense when you are out it is so she can revel in male attention rather than spend quality time with you. Good looking or not, this behaviour would grate on me. I would probably take one step back and not put all my eggs in jasmine's friendship basket.

I have a very beautiful friend, she’s also a fundamentally lovely and intelligent woman so I tend to see it as “aww she’s so pretty and funny, I’m not surprised people like her”. I kind of enjoy it for her, she’s not always had an easy time of it.

But yeah sometimes I do feel it a bit. We are both married so theres no comparison in the way you feel it but still, people are nicer to her and when they are speaking to us both direct their conversation at here from the off. It’s not her fault she’s attractive and many people will try to improve their looks, whether it’s filler or make up, most of us do it.

The happiest couple I know are in their 80’s and pretty wrinkly, I don’t know anyone else that much in love, they’ve been together since their early 20’s. It’s important to bear in mind that you don’t have to always be the most objectively beautiful in the room to be loved. My gorgeous friend has a completely disinterested husband, mines a lot more considerate to me and we definitely have more affection etc in our marriage despite the fact that I literally look like a rumpled mouldy potato standing next to her.

I would say about your friend appearances are important to her, thats ok, we all value different things so when she enjoys male attention it’s positive feedback about the things she likes about herself. Looks will fade though so you can either be sore about it or just let her enjoy her moment in the sun. If she starts chatting to a guy you don’t actually have to wait on her, you can start just leaving and letting her get on with it.

@LifeTakeTwo Jasmine has been asked out by:
A surgeon
Journalist
Police officer
Tradesmen
GP

That's only 5 people. Is that not a low level of interest for a woman?

Try Tinder. Swipe right on every profile. Let me know how long it takes you to match with 5 or more men.

Just caught up. Thank you so much for your replies. I've read them all.

I'll be very honest and say I've kept a distance from Jasmine since posting this thread.
She's tried to make contact a couple of times, but not to ask how I am, to want to discuss her love life.

She wanted us to go and watch the football tonight because 'there will be lots of fit blokes'. I politely declined.

I think that my feelings towards her and our friendship actually go deeper than the 'looks' thing.

When I lay it all out, our conversations, comments she's made to me. I actually think that I am just a 'wing woman' or friend to arrive places with like someone up thread said.

A male friend today said to me he'd seen her on a dating app and was basically trying to get me to reassure him that I'd be fine if he swiped on her. Me and him had slept together in the past (she knows, was there that night actually). And you know what? It wouldn't suprise me in the slightest if she swiped to match him. I didn't really respond either way.
He is NOT her type, very much the opposite, yet I still wouldn't be shocked if she did swipe.
The fact that would even cross my mind tells me all I need to know.

We no longer have 'mutual friends'. The friends in common we did have, have distanced themselves and one even cut her off completely. The one that cut her off had gone on a girls night out just the two of them in the city centre and Jasmine ditched her and left her there to go home with some guy she'd just met. It was the final straw for her (amongst other things) so she cut contact. Jasmine had told me she believes she only cut her off because she's jealous, but this friend has a husband and children, really no need to be jealous? She has never connected the incident with her being cut off.

The other friends don't mention her looks, more than she's very self centered.

But this isn't meant to be a post about assinating her character, I wasn't there. So all I have is their side. But I am now the only close female friend Jasmine has. Whereas I have many female friends, not lost any or been cut off by anyone in my life. Maybe drifted, but that's about it.

I think how Jasmine responds is probably what has left the foul taste. Being the consolation prize has made me feel crap about myself physically. But I actually think the way she's acted has made me feel bad emotionally, if that makes sense?

If she ever does actually notice I'm avoiding her and asks I will say, but I'm not going to randomly approach her to bring this up. She has contacted me and sent me voice notes, but these are ALL monologues about herself and men.

I actually don't think she sees me as 'an equal'.

The friendship is probably done and I'll probably slow fade. If it's gotten to the point I'm posting on an internet forum about it, then the writing is probably on the wall unfortunately.

It's a shame because I really do emotionally invest a lot into my friendships. But I think I need to look after me here as I don't think it's giving as much as it's taking from me and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

Im not surprised you self esteem is taking a beating and I don’t blame you for being envious. I’m not telling you do this as it has to be you that makes that decision but I’d be kicking her to kerb. Yes it wouldn’t be her fault that she was more attractive than me but how I felt would not be my fault either. I’ll hold my hands up I’m a very jealous person and don’t like the thought of any women being seen as more attractive than me and I certainly would not be friends with them. Shallow but nonetheless honest.

This is actually quite challenging OP!

I do think you are spending too much time with her and need to pull back a bit and start investing into other friendships to balance things out.

For ‘dating’, you need another strategy and to reduce the amount of these situations being with her.

I wouldn’t want to be a second choice, that would put me off any of these men, it all seems very superficial, even if she is fun and has a good personality.

Is there any opportunity to go on dates through mutual friends that think you might get on well or get to know someone over a period of time and build a connection through shared hobbies and interests?

I agree with someone upthread who also suggested things like a spa day - or any different types of non competitive activities with your friend - such as going on a walk together.

Create less intensity and shift the focus of the friendship away from gossiping about dating and the competitive superficial dating, because it’s unhealthy and damaging your self worth.

It’s a long time ago now but I can remember being in a room with beautiful models once (I was working, not as a model!) and after a while I heard it all, mainly about their awful relationships. That men had zero interest in them as human beings.
Jasmine may illicit a lot of interest from men, but most will be hunting a trophy. If she’s out hunting during an England game that’s a bit grim. Most of the men there will have their eyes glued to the screen.
Jasmine sounds a bit insecure for all of her beauty and she may have been using you as a sidekick. She may have seen you as a fun companion.
I think it’s perfectly fine to feel the way you do.

I used to be a jasmine and now I'm late 40s lol

It will hit her harder as she gets older

Sadly women are valued so much more by looks than men are
And a,proof men are very superficial and place looks above all else

I have a friend whose presence would render me invisible to men when we were younger, it was quite amazing. Even if you have fairly healthy self-esteem it is pretty soul-destroying. It's beyond jealousy really, it makes you feel incredibly small because people repeatedly overlook and ignore you. I think it's totally understandable to struggle with that.

I had a friend like that once. She wasn't exceptionally beautiful but there was something about her that made me feel inadequate. The friendship was mostly based around meeting men and going to bars. I stopped going out with her for that sort of thing because I realised it wasn't working for me and it fizzled out. I think going out looking for men like this is a very bad idea. It's always going to be mostly physically based in that sort of environment and if you've had your lips and teeth done and presumably are doing quite a bit else to ramp up your physical looks, then of course you'll get a lot of attention. But it's only shallow surface. I'd rather meet someone who has the same values as me and will go the distance. Sure, looks matter but they shouldn't be the everything. And that's what I did and got married.

You don't actually need a partner in my humble opinion and I certainly woulnd't be getting anything about my body or face changed to attract someone. The fact she has suggests she's very insecure and needy and feels without those things, she wouldn't have value, which isn't true, she would. She seems to feel like she needs the validation of the opposite sex so have some sort of relevance in life.

I'd personally step away from someone who values looks so highly as it wouldn't match my values of how I want to live my life.

OP well done in putting yourself first.

Do your own dating g stuff and focus on you.

Ignore the negative comments.

I find this sort of thing hilarious. Younger women are all desperate to be attractive to men and wanted, with the aim of being taken.
Fast forward into marriage and long term relationships and the gloss (maybe mask) of the flowers/attention/effort is now all gone. Now they are left reeling having to deal with the pain of living with these selfish men who are on the take. Throw in a couple of kids and ouch 🤕 reality really kicks in.
OP I hear you. I get it. Everyone wants to be popular and be chased. But listen. Honestly it's not the sign of a good life to come.
Focus more on being the best you you can be. Be kind. Have morals. Develop your career. Have friends. Be good to your family.
That's my tupperence worth.

The only advice I have is to give yourself a stern talking to. I have been in this situation too

I had a friend for several years who was naturally beautiful - hardly ever wore make up but had glowing skin, a smattering of freckles, perfect bone structure, flawless teeth, and stunning green eyes. She also had a mane of auburn hair that just bounced and always looked good. Fabulous figure with little effort, looked amazing even in sweats and with her hair carelessly tied up. All the things I definitely am not!

She was also one of the kindest, most thoughtful people I’ve ever met - the kind who remembered everyone’s birthday, bought little gifts just because she remembered you like them etc. AND to top it all she was a paediatric cardiologist, so fixed little children’s hearts! Honestly she was so perfect, if I hadn’t known her I would think she was imaginary!

And for some reason she wanted to be my friend. That was what I focussed on, she didn’t care that I had mousey hair, or crooked teeth, or weighed more than I should have, or didn’t have a great job - she was my friend. Of course it would get me down sometimes when we went out and all the men flocked to her and ignored me, but she always made me feel equal to her, even if I didn’t always think I was!

Try to focus on why you are friends and how she treats you, remind the green eyed monster that you also have your good points and try to just enjoy her company. Good luck!

It sounds like she’ll never find the “one”. And it sounds pretty boring if she spends her time chatting endlessly with men she’s not interested in. When she’s off on one can’t you just move away and chat to someone else yourself? Maybe you’re going to the wrong sort of events. But I think the real problem here is the way she excludes you. Okay, she’s good looking, but I’m sure lots of men would like you too. Unless they really all are that shallow and dumb.

Limit the time spent on the oull with her and do other things instead.

Pull*

If it makes you feel any better, she will likely have a much harder aging than you. Becoming invisible (and it will happen at some point), can be very hard when you're used to being the head turner.

I think you should rely more on all your other friends, male and female, and spend time with them. Most of them have singles in their circles too! Accept every invitation to a BBQ, going to the movies, pubbing&clubbing. You never know one of your friends brings a one-plus, like a brother or a collegue who is single? Maybe finding a new partner, a new happiness, is just around the corner 😊

In spite of AI’s best efforts there are still people who can string a coherent and insightful sentence together. 🙄

Looks it’s clearly not about her being beautiful. She’s just a shit friend - self absorbed and not kind

This with bells on.
OP Im sure Jasmine is absolutely gorgeous and lovely looking but I’ve never heard of anyone being so absolutely stunning that they get all this attention literally all the time. Even the most stunning of stunning women, unless celebrities.

But from reading all lot of your posts, what I’m getting from this is that Jasmine appears to have a lot of low self esteem.

From reading what you say about her leaving you out as soon as these men come on the scene, and that she isn’t interested in these men because she has such ‘high standards’ but she’s happy to abandon you in favour of the validation and attention these men are giving her, tells me that validation and egotism is far more important to her than friendship, especially if you’re saying she has done the same to other mutual friends too.

If someone is constantly needing validation then it definitely indicates low self esteem. People who need constant validation often find subtle ways of seeking attention. Which is what she seems to be attracting. I do get the feeling that as lovely and attractive as she may be, that the reason these men are approaching her is probably not so much because she is absolutely stunning, but because she is subconsciously seeking validation and men seem to subconsciously be able to sense this. Someone with low self esteem will often attract low quality men who are masters at spotting vulnerability and see them as an easy target. The fact that you say she has had fillers and veneers tells me she’s was never completely happy in her own skin as her natural self.

So whilst jasmine may be attractive and someone who you feel is stunning, I don’t feel that this alone is attracting such a high quantity of men to her. I think she possibly comes across as vulnerable and many (not all) of these men who approach her are probably looking to get laid. This would absolutely not make me feel jealous of her at all. These same men will probably be salivating over some other woman next time they are out.
I have found that it’s usually the more reserved men who don’t approach women they find attractive that generally have better intentions, more respectful and not just out to get laid.

I think that from a lot of your posts you seem to have been placing jasmine on some sort of pedestal above yourself due to all the male attention she has been receiving and due to the fact that you feel irrelevant which is causing you to feel a lot more envy that you should be doing.

The fact that she’s happy to ditch you for all these men means that she’s not really a friend and possibly also using you as some form of validation. Whether that’s using you as a “wing woman” (as you put it) to go out with so that she can find all these men to validate her ego I don’t know. But I would end the friendship, not because she’s attractive and you feel a tad envious but because she’s a shit friend and who needs all this drama when you go out.