My beautiful friend is causing me horrible jealousy

[LifeTakeTwo]

Can't believe I'm posting this but I really do need advice and alternative perspectives here because this is not healthy.

I have a really close friend. We are both single mums, dating and enjoying life. We've been good friends for years and do a lot together, speak pretty much everyday and go on holidays together.

My friend, let's call her 'Jasmine', is absolutely stunning. I mean, the first thing people say when I mention her name is 'jasmine, is that the really pretty one?' or 'oh is jasmine that girl in your photo? She's so beautiful!'

Jasmine is naturally gorgeous I'll admit, but she's also had a lot of work done. Lip filler, veneers etc. She puts in A LOT of work to maximise her beauty. She is definitely aware of her beauty because that's the first thing people comment on when meeting her (men and women).

As me and Jasmine are both single, we go on nights out and events together a couple of times a month when we don't have our kids. Every place we go too, every man in the room is checking her out, whether partnered or on their own. If we end up speaking to a group of guys, they are all pretty much talking to her and I'm the third wheel or second option once she's chosen which one she's going to give her attention too.

Despite the myth that men like 'natural beauties' and don't like women with 'work done', or only a certain type of man goes for that look, I can attest that this is completely untrue. Jasmine has been asked out by:
A surgeon
Journalist
Police officer
Tradesmen
GP

Pretty much every genre of guy. Intelligent, interesting etc They all seem nice enough and are eager for the chance to date her. And not just for sex, but for an actual relationship. Even after she's had sex with whoever she likes, they are then super eager to form an exclusive relationship.
I remember one week we were both laughing she'd have to buy more vases because she had three different men have flowers sent to her house.

Jasmine has a fun personality as well as looks so she's very much relationship material.

Now the problem is, over recent months when we've spent more times together, it's started to affect my self esteem. I normally have pretty good self esteem. Never had a problem in dating or was conscious about my looks. However I now can't help but compare myself to Jasmine. Comparison is the thief of joy, I know this. However how can you not compare when wherever you go, every man in sight are trampling over eachother for a chance to speak to her and I'm just sat on the sidelines as the 'wing woman'.

I've never once been asked out in her presence unless its by the friends of the man Jasmine has chosen, like a consolation prize of sorts.

I've NEVER had this issue before with any friendships. I've other pretty friends or course, but like most people, some will say pretty, others will say 'nit my cup of tea'. However Jasmine is EVERYONE'S cup of tea.

Unfortunately I feel my jealousy is ruining my friendship. I don't really want to attend events with her anymore because i always come home so deflated after a night of being overlooked and stood like a spare part when guys are hitting in her at the bar or at an activity.
It's not just men but women too. We'll get chatting to a group of other women somewhere and they'll always comment 'well aren't you a beauty!' and the like.

I actually worry that if I was to meet someone, I'd feel a bit anxious about them meeting her because I know they'll definitely be thinking 'damn she's attractive!'.

I really don't want this to affect my friendship with her, but I've found myself looking up veneers and fillers.
I have a lot of female friends, several groups of friends actually, and none have ever made me feel like this.

I was always so confident in my appearance but the more I hang out with her, the more I'm starting to doubt myself.

Does anyone have any advice to give me? Anyone ever been in this situation or similar?

I'd much appreciate any advice out there.

@MabelAnderson you make a good point about the friendship in general and I have been really reflecting on this aspect.

I've noticed that when these men approach her, I am ditched in a way. I'm not included in the conversation and actually it's the men chatting her up that try and include me to not be so blatantly rude.
As it happens constantly it's become more and more noticeable and I think that rubs salt in the wounds. Fair enough, she can't help me constantly hit on and she is single and looking so should entertain prospects. However it's like I also become invisible to her as well as whoever else it is she's chatting too.

A few mutual female friends have distanced themselves in a big way from her. When I asked them why, they said it was because she'd ditched them on nights out for men and is also very self centered. She is also judgemental in regards to other people so they felt very judged by her so couldn't really relax in her presence as they knew she'd be internally thinking 'what a slob' etc, as she's said this about other people.

She follows a lot of influencers and is obsessed with 'aesthetics'. Her house is immaculate, very much a show home. Her child is immaculately dressed.
It does unfortunately seep into her outlook on other people.

Now in terms of our friendship and her positives. She always makes an effort to see me and plan things. She is very funny and up for a laugh. She's been there for me in tough times. I can talk to her about pretty much anything.

I don't want to throw away the friendship. But when I started looking into getting work done myself, I was like woah! Hold on a minute! I've never considered fillers or the like before. I'm generally pretty attractive and other than the usual hangups people have, I've not been self critical. So it's clearly affecting me more than I thought.

It's why I was thinking of taking a step back. Not so much because of jealousy of her but how it makes me feel about myself if that makes sense?

Ugh, she sounds like a pain. People who are like that always feel inadequate in some way. It's one thing to take pride in your appearance, there is nothing wrong with that. However, to ditch your friends and talk crap about them isn't on. Also, if she is saying things like that behind her other friends' back, she is probably also doing the same with you. I'd slow fade.

Dont double date with Jasmine

Wow this escalated, what an amount of vitriol and hatred you have for her,

Nothing useful to add. I've been the less attractive friend so know how you feel.

Are you Jasmine? You seem to be taking this rather personally.

OP those people replying negatively would feel exactly the same as you if they were in that situation. There's nothing fun about standing there being ignored, it makes you feel horrible, I know I've been there. It's embarrassing! What are you supposed to do stood there like a spare prick?

I don't think you come across badly at all, you sound like you hate feeling this way, because you care about your friend. I echo what someone else said about not trying to copy her look. So don't go getting fillers/veneers etc unless you would do that anyway.

Probably would be a good thing to do something different with her that just involved you two, like going to the cinema or theatre as someone else said...would she do that? Or is the point of the evenings out to meet men to date? (Nothing wrong with that, by the way! That's how we did things before online dating!)

Yes, yes I am, how clever of you to guess.

In that case, maybe take on board what people are saying!

I second this- what a lovely post@NotAWurstToIt

Such a horrible post.
OP knows she is jealous and doesn't like that she's having these feelings, which is why she's come here to explore them.
Sure, men like 'confident, happy personalities'... in that the idea of any woman with any complexity to her emotions or personality is unappealing. Clearly any woman who doesn't attract loads of men just needs to think differently about the world and pop a big smile on her face and everything will change (in reality I've heard plenty of guys describe confident and happy-seeming women as stuck up or try-hard or various other horrible things, btw).

It is difficult to feel confident and happy if frequently going out with someone who attracts such an extent of greater attention than you do. I don't think many people would find this an easy experience. It isn't that women can't be good friends despite great differences in hotness so much as that if those women go out in situations where appearance is the main factor anyone will notice, and where a big part of the fun is enjoying male attention, that will inevitably set up a comparison that is going to be experienced again and again. I don't think it is petty or misogynistic or selfish or unfeminist to recognise this reality.

I second the idea of doing other stuff, less 'out drinking / clubbing-orientated', with this friend more often if the OP genuinely values her as a person and likes her company. I am friends with many women a lot more attractive than I am, but if I were single, I wouldn't be going out looking for hookups alongside them. I just wouldn't. Because no one would choose me over them if they thought they had both options - at least not based on a first encounter (sure, there are plenty of other valuable human qualities, but looks are the up-front thing that will inevitably get noticed first... not that my personality is better than theirs either, in my case!)

Just a funny story for your amusement….
2 friends go on a night out meet a couple of guys
Annie (Classically beautiful ) says I really like the tall one and Beth( Just your average nice gal )says ok I’ll chat to his friend .
Beth and Tom got together and reader I may tell you made a very successful marriage and Tom started his own computer company and made a fortune .
Nothing happened with Annie and the tall guy !

How comes she is a single parent op? When you said that she ignores you when the men start flocking, I thought, does she see you as an equal? Or is she only lovely and happy when there is this imbalance?

I think anybody would find this hard OP, but few would want to admit it.

A previous poster suggested you change up your socialising - think this is a great shout.

Ultimately she is still single too, so being as beautiful as she is hasn't helped her in that regard yet.

Youve got to look after your self esteem and self worth, so if that means limiting nights out then so be it.

Aw. You sound like a lovely best friend 😊

Or ask ChatGPT - same result 🙄

Yeah I think the posters who have nothing constructive to say have never been in that position repeatedly.
Yes I do feel super awkward. She once spoke to a guy for a full 30 minutes without acknowledging me, whilst I stood there like a lemon. I wondered how long she would continue the chat ignoring me until it got to 30 minutes and I was like 'jasmine, I'm seriously bored now, can you just get his number and we move on'. It was just us 2 at an event in a foreign country, so not even somewhere I could just go and do my own thing.

@BettyJoanPerske yeah this is what the other women said to me. They said they couldn't hack the judgement and feeling uncomfortable so faded her out. There was a time at the beginning of our friendship where I would really clean before she visited. Not because she's said anything to me, but she'd commented on other people's homes so I felt I'd be judged too. Luckily I'm not too bothered in that regard so after a few visits I stopped bothering and now happily fold my laundry and do the dishes infront of her when she pops over.

Just say ‘jasmine can we play tennis, or take up crochet together because this double dating is making me feel shit’

OP, I'm pretty attractive and have always had no trouble getting men/relationships. However, I remember when I was 19 one girl at university was considered the most beautiful on campus. She really was gorgeous! She looked a lot like a young Cheryl Cole.

Anyway, I got friends with her and ended up one night with her surrounded by a group of guys all absolutely vying to chat to her, and no one paying me the slightest attention. It was a shock because as I said, I'm pretty/attractive and usually do well with men. I was completely and utterly ignored!

I just observed it all... And then I never went out with her to meet men again 😂😂

I still stayed friends with her, but honestly because of her beauty she was a terrible wing woman! My personal advice? Keep her as a friend but definitely find someone else to go singles dating with (or go alone!) x

I can tell you her beauty comes with a price. In my youth I was pretty enough , but I was also tall and very slim . This was like a red rag to a bull with other women , strangers even were vile to me. People assume you’re stuck up, have no personality, vain and stupid . Yes I got male attention but a lot of it was unwanted sexual attention. I’m now older fatter, plainer and women are far nicer to me now and as for men ? I’m invisible. Im glad .

She once spoke to a guy for a full 30 minutes without acknowledging me, whilst I stood there like a lemon.

I think there is more than literally meets the eye here! Did you tell her how it made you feel when she ignored you for 30 mins? That doesn't sound like a caring and thoughtful friend at all.

Maybe the friendship has run its course and it's not necessarily about the attention she gets that makes you feel like you are less than (even though you know it's not true).

She also doesn't sound gracious if she is judgemental about other people. Maybe she might be good at picking up men but not able to sustain a relationship if she has these kind of vibes.

Well, this is what hopped out from your first message - it's one thing all the men being attracted to her, it's quite another if she blanks you and turns all her attention onto them. And that doesn't actually have much to do with her looks; I've had friends who've done that too and it's not like they've attracted loads of men, it's just that if they've attracted any, they've completely ignored me and spent the evening chatting to them! It's extremely rude, and you certainly shouldn't think that has any bearing whatsoever on your respective looks. You don't have a problem because she's beautiful, you have a problem because she's a terrible friend. Suggest outings that aren't really set up for meeting men, and if she still manages to ignore you while flirting up a storm with any old random with a penis, disengage entirely.

(Though if you really like her, you could let her know, as there is a chance she doesn't actually realise she's doing it.)

Same. Actually I had one friend who was like that who was objectively far less attractive than I was. It was annoying and it would have been annoying whatever she looked like (although it was more that she aggressively approached men and wore deliberately very sexy/provocative clothing: men didn't especially flock around her)

She’s attracted all these different men but hasn’t actually had any luck finding a relationship though? (Not saying this is her fault!) I honestly think at this point it’s affecting your confidence and that will be coming across. Not a chance in hell that I’d stand next to a friend for half an hour who was exclusively chatting to someone else, I’d say ‘I’m going to the bar, see you in a bit!’ And if someone did that repeatedly I’d not go out with them alone again!

There’s a lid for every pot, as my mum says. I think we all tend to eventually end up with someone of a similar attractiveness level to ourselves, broadly speaking. So if Jasmine is as much of a stunner as you say, and you feel she is far more attractive than you, realistically you’re probably not going to be fighting over the same blokes in the end. I’d stick to online dating where Jasmine isn’t part of the picture.