My beautiful friend is causing me horrible jealousy

[LifeTakeTwo]

Can't believe I'm posting this but I really do need advice and alternative perspectives here because this is not healthy.

I have a really close friend. We are both single mums, dating and enjoying life. We've been good friends for years and do a lot together, speak pretty much everyday and go on holidays together.

My friend, let's call her 'Jasmine', is absolutely stunning. I mean, the first thing people say when I mention her name is 'jasmine, is that the really pretty one?' or 'oh is jasmine that girl in your photo? She's so beautiful!'

Jasmine is naturally gorgeous I'll admit, but she's also had a lot of work done. Lip filler, veneers etc. She puts in A LOT of work to maximise her beauty. She is definitely aware of her beauty because that's the first thing people comment on when meeting her (men and women).

As me and Jasmine are both single, we go on nights out and events together a couple of times a month when we don't have our kids. Every place we go too, every man in the room is checking her out, whether partnered or on their own. If we end up speaking to a group of guys, they are all pretty much talking to her and I'm the third wheel or second option once she's chosen which one she's going to give her attention too.

Despite the myth that men like 'natural beauties' and don't like women with 'work done', or only a certain type of man goes for that look, I can attest that this is completely untrue. Jasmine has been asked out by:
A surgeon
Journalist
Police officer
Tradesmen
GP

Pretty much every genre of guy. Intelligent, interesting etc They all seem nice enough and are eager for the chance to date her. And not just for sex, but for an actual relationship. Even after she's had sex with whoever she likes, they are then super eager to form an exclusive relationship.
I remember one week we were both laughing she'd have to buy more vases because she had three different men have flowers sent to her house.

Jasmine has a fun personality as well as looks so she's very much relationship material.

Now the problem is, over recent months when we've spent more times together, it's started to affect my self esteem. I normally have pretty good self esteem. Never had a problem in dating or was conscious about my looks. However I now can't help but compare myself to Jasmine. Comparison is the thief of joy, I know this. However how can you not compare when wherever you go, every man in sight are trampling over eachother for a chance to speak to her and I'm just sat on the sidelines as the 'wing woman'.

I've never once been asked out in her presence unless its by the friends of the man Jasmine has chosen, like a consolation prize of sorts.

I've NEVER had this issue before with any friendships. I've other pretty friends or course, but like most people, some will say pretty, others will say 'nit my cup of tea'. However Jasmine is EVERYONE'S cup of tea.

Unfortunately I feel my jealousy is ruining my friendship. I don't really want to attend events with her anymore because i always come home so deflated after a night of being overlooked and stood like a spare part when guys are hitting in her at the bar or at an activity.
It's not just men but women too. We'll get chatting to a group of other women somewhere and they'll always comment 'well aren't you a beauty!' and the like.

I actually worry that if I was to meet someone, I'd feel a bit anxious about them meeting her because I know they'll definitely be thinking 'damn she's attractive!'.

I really don't want this to affect my friendship with her, but I've found myself looking up veneers and fillers.
I have a lot of female friends, several groups of friends actually, and none have ever made me feel like this.

I was always so confident in my appearance but the more I hang out with her, the more I'm starting to doubt myself.

Does anyone have any advice to give me? Anyone ever been in this situation or similar?

I'd much appreciate any advice out there.

OP, I'm sympathetic to you in a way, but I'm also sympathetic to Jasmine. Her female friends are bitching about her (you have all been chatting about how rubbish she is on nights out) and she attracts all and sundry in the men department which makes it hard to find good guys as everyone just wants to date her for superficial reasons. Has she met a fantastic life partner? Did her good looks stop her becoming a single mum and having all that responsibility? Nope.

I've been the attractive friend (not beautiful) and I've also been the sidekick to the very beautiful friend- either was fine with me!

If you don't want her to ditch you when you are out, have a chat with her about expectations- she probably thinks it's fine to go chatting to some guy who is interested in her, I've been out on nights out like this and I've met guys and we've 'pulled' so to speak, as have my friends, other times you go out to socialise with your friend and it's not appropriate to go chatting to others. If you don't want to be her wing-woman, don't go to these type of events with her.

I think you are pretty nasty about her though, for a friend. One of my friends was stunning when younger, but she had a super personality and was a great friend too, just got lucky in the genetic lottery. I didn't talk about her behind everyone else's back. It was a bit difficult as I got trampled in the stampede to talk to her, but it also attracts in whole groups of men who you may not get to meet otherwise, to be blunt, so I'm not sure her beauty is massively disadvantaging you.

You don't have to go out with her, you don't have to be her friend. Either enter into the fun of the nights out, or do something else, don't carry on with this level of resentment.

She doesn't want to arrive anywhere on her own but you're surplus to requirements once she's reeled in a man. That's not friendship. As pp said go out with others have a really sociable time with friends and stop worrying about dates. Be a good friend.

Don’t be harsh on yourself OP. Jealousy is a natural emotion. We all feel jealous and envious of others at some point in our lives, we just need to learn how to not let it affect our self-esteem and self worth.

I agree with a PP who suggested doing things that don’t really involve men/drinking. Spa day, a hike, see a theatre show, or have a girly movie and pamper night at someone’s house.

What I’ve found, is men are initially attracted to looks, but once they get talking confidence is way more attractive and interesting than looks will ever be. Do you feel as if you shy away, or even shrink yourself when you’re out with Jasmine, and she’s the one doing the talking? Because if so, don’t! I’m sure you’re just as beautiful and interesting as she is.

Bless her, she can't help being gorgeous!

Even supermodels need friends!

It doesn't sound like she rubs it in your face at all so I'm afraid this is a you problem, really.

How sad that you both may lose a good friend because you are worried potential future partners might find her attractive!

I think you'd be doing yourself a huge favour to try to challenge your jealousy, OP. It's not healthy.

I hear you OP. I think if I were you I would see her every few months for a night out, and go out with other people or groups in the interim. Being gorgeous is one thing, but I don’t think it is being a good friend to consistently blank the friend you are out with as soon as a bloke comes along. Occasionally, fine. Every time you go out is just a continual gut punch to the confidence. And why would you subject yourself knowingly to that so often?

Diversify, not as pp have said snarkily to ‘less attractive’ people, but people who both value you more and make you feel good. It isn’t selfish to distance yourself from something that makes you feel bad, it’s just sensible self care.

She's still single though so hasn't led to happily ever after

You need to stop going out on the pull with Jasmine, if she makes you feel like this. It's that simple.
I've been the also-ran in this kind of situation too. My best friend at university. It was decades ago, when looking natural was the norm, and at first I honestly had no idea she was so much more attractive than me. Sure, she had long legs, but I had amazing tits, so you'd think we'd be even? Well, no. Not only did she win on points physically with her dazzling smile, but she was innocently flirty and easy company, something I could never achieve with strangers. Kind of girl next door plus, if you like, and about 90% of the blokes we knew thought they might be in with a chance. It was demoralising to discover this, but none of it was her fault. Eventually she hooked up with someone who was studying near her home town, and all the male students I knew were outraged that she didn't pick any of them. As if they had rights to her. It was quite funny, really. We laughed at them, anyway, and it didn't affect our friendship. Meanwhile, I found boyfriends of my own, ones with no designs on her.

@Safarisagoody The OP openly admits that the way people react to Jasmine makes her feel insecure and is lowering her self-esteem. Jasmine also ditches her as soon as men approach anyway, so Jasmine isn't the greatest friend tbh. Yes, the OP is jealous and what she needs is advice on how to deal with this. What's your advice?

Personally, I agree with @NotAWurstToIt's thoughtful post suggesting changing their activities together and ultimately, if the OP finds it impossible to feel confident when she's with Jasmine, she may need to distance herself.

@justasking111 I'm wondering this too, the OP might be someone to arrive with given that she gets ditched as soon as men approach.

@HaveCreditWillShop Perhaps you ought to have run your own contribution through ChatGPT first to come up with something more helpful and human.

This is completely different from your first post. Jasmine does not sound like a good friend, regardless of what she looks like.

OP, if it's getting you down this much, then you have to COMMUNICATE. You should have a talk with Jasmine and tell her that her spending lots and lots of your time on nights out talking to men she's not even interested in is becoming really annoying, and that it makes you feel like a third wheel. TELL HER what's wrong. Don't just do a fade. That won't get you or your friendship anywhere. You need to let her know that you don't appreciate being dropped by her for hours every time you go out when there are men around. Then it's up to her what she does with that information. She'll either take it on board and adjust her ways, or she won't. And you'll have a better insight into whether she's a friend worth keeping or not.

I know you mentioned that you said something before, and she brushed it off, so you'll have to be prepared to stand your ground. Insist that she stops treating you this way on nights out. Most people will get away with what they can. Tell her that she needs to stop doing that or the nights out together will end. Don't mention her looks; make it about the real issue, which is about dropping you for men. And that IS the real issue.

Yes! The op seems to be hyper fixated on male attention. I get that they are dating but surely if they are friends then the friendship shouldn’t solely revolve around meeting men. They could still spend time together without it continuously being an excuse to meet and attract men. I have a really beautiful friend and when we were much younger and both still single she would attract male attention wherever we went. I was considered pretty but not necessarily beautiful in comparison. I never felt insecure around her even though I was very insecure in my younger years because we would always get a laugh and do different things together. I think if the op values Jasmine as a friend they could spend time chilling together etc rather than just going on nights out for the purpose of meeting men.

Edited because I commented before I’d read the whole thread.

If she ditches you on a night out then I’d probably reconsider the friendship (as it should work two ways). But if that’s not the case then my thoughts below still stand:

I knew a girl like this and have summised that it’s probably a very lonely place to be… So utterly gorgeous that she seems other-worldly. She’d order coffee and the barista would put it on the house. Men would profess love if she was nice to them (cos she’s a decent person who talks to people like they’re human beings!)

Years later I’ve realised this isn’t necessarily a good thing. She never knows what peoples intentions are…do they like her for who she is, or what being seen with her can get them? She’s attracted some absolute psycho men. Weird levels of worship coupled with other women feeling jealous and bitching about her behind her back. How would you ever know if someone was a genuine friend or lover?

Thank your lucky stars you don’t have to deal with any of this. When you find someone who digs you for your wonderful own self then you can feel safe that they love you for you alone, and not how it makes them look.

Maybe try being a genuine friend to her. Be on her side. She probably needs a good friend…don’t we all???

Horrible!

It’s not horrible at all.

Jasmine has done nothing wrong.

The OP has a jealousy problem and that is not Jasmine’s fault.

Not in the slightest.

I had a friend like this when I was in school we'll call her Monica. The same thing happened when we would go out all the men would flock to her and I was just kind of on the sidelines even though at the time myself I was still attractive. Her parents also had a really fancy nice home which she would invite us over to spend the night.

Some decades later we met up. We had grown up and had our own lives and families. It seems that I had done much better than she had in life. she was slightly overweight and working as a waitress while I had a professional career in still looked slim and attractive.

And guess what? she didn't want to know me anymore. And I didn't understand why she didn't.

After all those decades, I finally realized that she did enjoy being the queen bee in the social group that she did like being the most attractive and successful one of the group I was just too young and naive to see that at the time.

Only you know if your friend Jasmine is doing the same I mean you'll be able to tell if you take a step back and look who she surrounds herself with when she goes out. Does she ever go out with any other women who are much more attractive than she is?

Since you said you have other friend groups, I would just cool it with Jasmine

So this is many years ago, but I had two close friends. One a stunningly good looking woman who fully worked what she had, who we shall call Kelly and she had a great personality too and then there was JoJo, who was also very naturally good looking, more down to earth but a tad more reserved.

Its strange really because I always felt they made great companions and it wasn't until years later that I bumped into JoJo and we were reminiscing and she basically said very much what you have. I was shocked because I thought she was batting the men off, from what I could remember.

From an outside perspective, yes, Kelly was knockout, but JoJo attracted a fair few men herself but just assumed they were after Kelly and her failing confidence stopped her from seeing it and the guys thought she wasn't interested or just not as approachable, Now I am not saying that is true about you , but you see what I am saying, just because that is how you feel, doesn't mean its true.

I had a friend like this who was actually called Jasmine! My ex chose her over me then she dumped him and we became best mates.

anyway stay friends with her but go out with others and yourself more often. People may tell you get over it but let’s be realistic. You deserve your own romantic chances without being overshadowed by Jaz.

Oh I really feel for you! I could have written something similar 20 years ago. My "Jasmine" literally stopped traffic because of how gorgeous she was. Men (and women) would sort of forget everything to stop and stare at her. She was also very successful in her career, which was the same as mine, and very ambitious, and I ended up being sidelined at industry events as well as on nights out - it was really hard! She had quite a strong personality too and I found we usually ended up doing what she wanted, not what I wanted. She really enjoyed the power her beauty gave her too, and it didn't seem to bother her that so many men in relationships hit on her, which made me really uncomfortable and didn't endear her to my other friends. She didn't go for men in relationships, but she didn't actively discourage the attention either.
She was warm and funny and super smart and I really cared about her, but I always ended up feeling just so uncomfortable and crap about myself after spending time with her.
I'm sorry to say the only thing I could do in my situation was fade out of the friendship to protect myself. I had to accept that I always came off worse if I attended something with her. I think you have to decide what is best for you.

This is so unnecessary and unkind . Why come here to post this ridiculous message? There is not one bit of advice or even really an opinion here. You’re got terrible manners to post this to someone asking in a really seeet way a situation that is hurting them. She’s not run anyone down or criticising anyone so why are you?

Are you friends or are you dating companions? If you are feeling insecure, stop going out together to meet men. I would also hate standing there like a spare part whilst she got an ego boost.

If you want to stay friends, take your kids to park. Meet for a coffee, swim, walk or go see a film.

You answered your own question really.

Go back to going out to meet dates alone if finding a boyfriend is important to you.

Find other things to do with Jasmine - where you are not chasing a date. Could you play tennis together, go clothes shopping or join a book group, etc?

Introduce your boyfriends to Jasmine only after you are seriously going out, ideally with her boyfriend there too..
Change the dynamics to sharing dates nights only once you are both with partners already.

Life is too short. If it is affecting your self esteem (which is only natural), then spend less time with her - pull back gradually. Spend time with other friends and most importantly go out with other friends. You can still see her one on one

Yeah I'd find other friends, in addition to the beautiful Jasmine.

I've had a couple of friends who were very attractive and it basically made me feel like shit going out with them. Not because I'm unattractive, but the menz seemed like bees around a bloody hive tbh with the attractive friend.

I do think if you're both on the pull as it were you need to be equally attractive.

Otherwise it's just unfair and one-sided.

Obviously Jasmine doesn't give a shit about this.