My beautiful friend is causing me horrible jealousy

[LifeTakeTwo]

Can't believe I'm posting this but I really do need advice and alternative perspectives here because this is not healthy.

I have a really close friend. We are both single mums, dating and enjoying life. We've been good friends for years and do a lot together, speak pretty much everyday and go on holidays together.

My friend, let's call her 'Jasmine', is absolutely stunning. I mean, the first thing people say when I mention her name is 'jasmine, is that the really pretty one?' or 'oh is jasmine that girl in your photo? She's so beautiful!'

Jasmine is naturally gorgeous I'll admit, but she's also had a lot of work done. Lip filler, veneers etc. She puts in A LOT of work to maximise her beauty. She is definitely aware of her beauty because that's the first thing people comment on when meeting her (men and women).

As me and Jasmine are both single, we go on nights out and events together a couple of times a month when we don't have our kids. Every place we go too, every man in the room is checking her out, whether partnered or on their own. If we end up speaking to a group of guys, they are all pretty much talking to her and I'm the third wheel or second option once she's chosen which one she's going to give her attention too.

Despite the myth that men like 'natural beauties' and don't like women with 'work done', or only a certain type of man goes for that look, I can attest that this is completely untrue. Jasmine has been asked out by:
A surgeon
Journalist
Police officer
Tradesmen
GP

Pretty much every genre of guy. Intelligent, interesting etc They all seem nice enough and are eager for the chance to date her. And not just for sex, but for an actual relationship. Even after she's had sex with whoever she likes, they are then super eager to form an exclusive relationship.
I remember one week we were both laughing she'd have to buy more vases because she had three different men have flowers sent to her house.

Jasmine has a fun personality as well as looks so she's very much relationship material.

Now the problem is, over recent months when we've spent more times together, it's started to affect my self esteem. I normally have pretty good self esteem. Never had a problem in dating or was conscious about my looks. However I now can't help but compare myself to Jasmine. Comparison is the thief of joy, I know this. However how can you not compare when wherever you go, every man in sight are trampling over eachother for a chance to speak to her and I'm just sat on the sidelines as the 'wing woman'.

I've never once been asked out in her presence unless its by the friends of the man Jasmine has chosen, like a consolation prize of sorts.

I've NEVER had this issue before with any friendships. I've other pretty friends or course, but like most people, some will say pretty, others will say 'nit my cup of tea'. However Jasmine is EVERYONE'S cup of tea.

Unfortunately I feel my jealousy is ruining my friendship. I don't really want to attend events with her anymore because i always come home so deflated after a night of being overlooked and stood like a spare part when guys are hitting in her at the bar or at an activity.
It's not just men but women too. We'll get chatting to a group of other women somewhere and they'll always comment 'well aren't you a beauty!' and the like.

I actually worry that if I was to meet someone, I'd feel a bit anxious about them meeting her because I know they'll definitely be thinking 'damn she's attractive!'.

I really don't want this to affect my friendship with her, but I've found myself looking up veneers and fillers.
I have a lot of female friends, several groups of friends actually, and none have ever made me feel like this.

I was always so confident in my appearance but the more I hang out with her, the more I'm starting to doubt myself.

Does anyone have any advice to give me? Anyone ever been in this situation or similar?

I'd much appreciate any advice out there.

I remember once my Jasmine was pulling a suitcase down the street and because she looked so bloody woebegone and gorgeous a taxi driver gave her a FREE lift to her chosen destination.

BUT, as with most men, there were always suspicious intentions. Every single time. Jasmine looked extremely young, almost like a child, and the amount of revolting middle aged men who hit on her was crazy.

Urgh...

If all these decent men asking her out are amazing relationship material then how come she’s still single?

I was considered very good looking (I don’t date any more) and let me tell you it was more of a hindrance than a help. I’ve attracted every douche bag on the planet. I simply gave up, not wanting to subject any of my children to this.

her perspective on this could be quite different to yours I think.

It’s interesting you paint Jasmine as universally attractive, as I don’t find the lip filler/veneer look attractive, myself. It conjures up images of the sort of woman who always wears a full face of make-up, acrylic nails, and dyed hair, and that’s not my thing. A woman with that sort of look might well be lovely and great to hang out with, but in terms of looks, they just seem fake – probably because it is.
There are also many men who don’t find that look appealing – but I suppose if you’re on a night out, then maybe you’re more likely to bump into men who do find that look (and aesthetics in general) attractive.

Honestly it seems strange to me that someone would get random, unprompted comments from both men and women about how beautiful they are. I’ve never seen it happen in my life unless it’s from men who are just looking to pull, or women who are all talking each other up as a reciprocal thing. Oh, and elderly ladies.

Personally if I were you, I’d just stop fishing in the same pond as Jasmine, so to speak. Don’t make your nights out about men, or attracting male attention – just enjoy hanging out together, without any men lurking about. Look for a relationship/dates separately to her, to avoid making that comparison and letting it poison what sounds like a great friendship.

I have a friend like this. Waking down the street with her is like walking down a different planet, everyone turns their head and smiles! I kind of just found it fascinating, because like your friend she is absolutely lovely too so it’s hard to be jealous.

The thing is everyone can only end up with one person anyway (well unless you’re a poly I guess), so ultimately she might find one person and then you only need to find one person. So even if 100 people want to date her she can only end up with one anyway?

Can’t get past the fact that she has veneers

This ^

See Jasmine but NOT for "looking for men"

It's not worth putting yourself through the pain and angst of being disregarded each time

Find dates on your own (OLD) or with other/new friends

See Jasmine for coffee/drinks when not 'hunting'

Maybe just don't go to bars so much with her or singles events? Maybe just do movies, hikes, spas, coffees etc.

I think you're dealing with two separate issues that have become tangled together.

The first is that your friend is exceptionally attractive by conventional standards. Some people genuinely are outliers. Just as there are people who are unusually funny, athletic or charismatic, there are people who receive an extraordinary amount of attention because of their appearance. It doesn't mean everyone else is unattractive, it means she's unusually noticeable.

The second issue is that you've started using her as your measuring stick. That's almost guaranteed to damage your self-esteem because you're comparing your everyday experience to someone at the extreme end of the distribution (like us comparing ourselves to a supermodel)

One thing that stood out to me is that you say you never questioned your looks before this friendship. That suggests your confidence wasn't built on an illusion, it was built on years of normal life experience. One unusually attractive friend hasn't suddenly made you less attractive than you were a year ago.

Also, remember that nights out in bars are a very specific environment. Men approaching strangers often make split-second decisions based on who catches their eye first. That's very different from how many relationships actually begin. Someone who gets the most attention in a nightclub isn't automatically the person who'll be the happiest in love or have the strongest long-term relationships.

Don't beat yourself up for feeling jealous. Jealousy isn't the problem; it's information. It's telling you that spending every weekend in situations where you're constantly compared is affecting your mental wellbeing. That doesn't make you a bad friend. It might simply mean you need a bit more balance, seeing other friends, doing activities that aren't centred around attracting male attention, and occasionally having separate social lives.

The only thing I'd caution against is resenting Jasmine. From what you've written, she doesn't sound like she's putting you down or competing with you. She's just existing in a body that attracts a huge amount of attention. The comparison is happening in your mind, not because she's trying to make you feel small.

Oh, and I'd also challenge the "Jasmine is everyone's cup of tea". She's almost certainly not. It just feels that way because the evidence she's exposed to is highly visible. The men who aren't interested don't walk over and announce, "She's not my type." They simply don't approach. The attention she does receive is impossible to miss, while the absence of attention is invisible.

This.How she looks shouldn't come into a friendship.

It is an odd experience being out and about with someone genuinely stunning at their peak. If you haven’t experienced it you won’t understand. Those reels of tall stunning women beautifully dressed being stared at are basically what it’s like.

This is true. A lot of these men will see her as a trophy rather than a person.

Interesting that she looks like Penelope Cruz/Salma Hayak - v v beautiful women. From what you first said I was expecting a sort of TOWIE fake type.

But anyway - my BFF at school was cute, a bit chubby & blonde, when we became friends about age 7. She transformed into a natural blonde bombshell when were about 13/14. I mean actual bombshell - beautiful long blonde hair, stunning face, tall, skinny with big boobs. She looked about 18 and turned heads. And a really nice person.

Since I didn't get the hang of this "looking attractive" thing till I was late teens - this was a revelation to me. Men & boys would literally gawp at her in the street, mouths open. Groups of lads would chase after her - she got "hi there!" constantly. We both moved areas when we were about 15 and lost touch - but I do you how you feel! I don't think I was jealous as such, because we were so young - just bemused - but the experience was eye-opening.

Now, with decades of experience under my belt, I just think a lot of men are v v shallow, and absolutely lose their minds when seeing a v beautiful woman. I think "confident with a roving eye" is probably pretty accurate - because I notice a lot of these stunning women are cheated on/treated badly just as much as anyone else.

Nothing wrong with how you feel @LifeTakeTwo and reflecting on this doesn’t make you a bad jealous person. I also suspect that Jasmine is not so innocent in all of this. She is certainly aware how she looks - she is actively maintaining it with the attention to details, nothing wrong with it, but it just shows that she is aware. And she is aware of this male attention, and she is aware how it affects someone who is with her. 30 minutes you were waiting quietly and patiently, and you told her about it afterwards and she brushed it off. Come on, if you put just this info what does it tell you about a friend? She is either selfish or stupid. And neither of this qualities make a good friend. So I’m a bit reserved about Jasmine.

I would sort of move out “male seeking” aspect from your friendship and move to walks/ coffee/ cinema visits as everybody advised. You may find out that Jasmine would be less keen on you then by the way, as someone mentioned above she might be interested in you only as “arrival companion” for events. However we might be wrong and it would give you and Jasmine stronger, more meaningful friendship.

It sounds like a bit of a situational friendship, where you are both spending a lot of time together because you’re single and need someone to go out with. Ignoring you as soon as someone starts chatting her up is bad form. I would pull back and try and find other friendship groups and ways to meet men, if that’s what you’re looking for.

I have a friend who's good friends with one of those Real Wives from the TV. This Real Wife has been through the mill with men and relationships.

A woman I worked with has a relative on TV who outwardly had the perfect life because of her looks she wasn't a very nice adult, her marriage was unhappy. Yes she had money but Sheesh you wouldn't want her husband.

But it does. Pretty girls/young women tend to gravitate towards one another ime.

Probably enjoys the attention

I had this when I did a year abroad studying in France. I made friends with 3 very pretty blonde young English women in my halls of residence and unlike you I'm a plain Jane! Being blonde stood out even more in France!
I still had a good year and ended up in a happy marriage for twenty years before being widowed. These days it's not an issue as I tend to just go for coffee with friends rather than go to bars. Could you go to places with her where people are less likely to hit on her?

Thanks everyone. It's comforting to know others have experienced this so know how I'm feeling and it's not just me being weird for having these feelings.

I'm going to take a step back to really focus on myself and my other friendships.
I'm going to take a break from going out with her to places where we could meet potential future dates.

Even in non-dating type scenes, she still gets a lot of attention but it's not affecting our time together so doesn't really bother me. For example going bowling and a woman from the group of people next to us coming up to her and saying 'i love your jacket! You're a very bonnie lass!' That sorta thing doesn't affect the thing we're doing so doesn't bother me.
I think it's when we're in any potential dating spaces.

Jasmine is very aware of how she looks. She does put A LOT of time and money into it so I understand her enjoying the rewards of that investment. But it certainly does have a knock on effect that seeps into other areas.

The mutual friends who distanced themselves told me she's 'not a girls girl'. One of them was close friends with her for over a decade and now doesn't see her at all. She did warn me that Jasmine's self centered to the expense of others.
I defended Jasmine at the time but to be honest, the more time I spend with her the more I'm starting to think maybe there is truth to this. Maybe that's also why it's affected me so much also? Not just the attention she gets, but also how she responds?

She doesn't really have any/many other female friendships. She did insinuate the other women are jealous, which is true. But I do think she doesn't help herself in that department.

Sighhh.. she's actually tried ringing me this morning for a general chit chat, but I decided not to answer. I'll drop her a message later. Give myself a few weeks off meeting up so I can properly analyse the overall friendship in a more objective manner without making any rash decisions to end the friendship based off emotions.

I think this is sensible. Protect yourself but do it kindly. As a pp has said, after a period of space and reflection, if you want to carry on going out with her to pick up blokes, you might need to have a conversation that says ‘don’t just drop me, we’re a team, if we both are happy then great but if not then we need a signal to move on’, like a wink that says ‘not happy, let’s go’. If she’s not bothered about dating the men, and just having a perfectly reasonable ego boost at their expense, then your friendship should trump her bit of fun. And if it doesn’t, for her, then you have your answer about whether she’s truly a friend or just using you as wing-woman.

If she didn't have you to go out with, she wouldn't be able to go because I doubt she'd go alone. I guess that's why she makes an effort in between nights out.

Unfortunately I think she’s using you as a foil. I think you can be perfectly honest and tell her you’re bored witless when you’re sidelined. If she continues to ignore you when she’s being chatted up then sadly she’s using you. I think you need to find another friend to go out with. Good luck

Jealousy is quite a normal emotion but it can sometimes get out of hand like this. I think what's happened is you've blown this up in your mind to be much bigger than it is. Yes I'm sure she's attractive and I'm sure people notice but part of that is probably not only because she's physically beautiful but she's also carrying herself with confidence and showing 'openness" towards receiving this sort of attention. There's more to it than simply good looks. You both sound like you have a good time together so I would try to not let it get to you, maybe find a way of laughing it off? At the end of the day, although you say 'all' men would choose her first that obviously isn't true. Yes maybe most, especially the more shallow people you find on a night out, but there will be some men who prefer your looks and anyway what does it matter? It sounds like you are both enjoying a carefree time in your lives and silly things like comparing looks will just bog you down. Maybe try some activities together where looks are less important so not just socialising get into something active or creative together. Focus on what you do have and try to laugh off your jealousy when you feel it. It is what it is, OP.

Also, try to avoid veneers if you can as they cause long term damage especially if done on the cheap..it your teeth are fine to begin with just go for whitening as it's cheaper and very effective for most people.

I'm sorry you're finding dating tough.

If it's affecting you this much, I'd suggest changing your hangouts with her so you're not being mobbed by her would be suitors?

When you do feel ready to hang out, I'd suggest something casual like meeting her for coffee or hanging out in the park, places where you are less likely to be approached by guys. Make a point that you'd like it to be just about you two. You could tell her you're stepping away from dating for a while and would like to get some space from that kind of stuff.

You could talk to her more honestly abd openly if you feel she would understand.

It's YOU that's horrible. Not Jasmine. It's like you enjoy putting the boot in. Just plain nasty