AIBU to resent my husband’s weight loss and his mum’s comments?

[Pipiscoming2023]

My DH started taking Mounjaro a few months ago and has lot 3 stone since then. He’s back to the weight he was in our 20s/when we got married.

I categorically don’t want to take medication to lose weight and work hard at the gym (at least 3x per week) and eat well. I’m strong but still a size 18, it’s slow progress but I’m okay with that.

Anyway, his mum is obsessed with our weight (I know it’s a her problem but I still find it hard to deal with the constant comments). So she’s has been heaping praise on her wonderful son for losing so much weight and asking me how often I go to the gym etc… clearly with the undertone of “why aren’t you losing the same?”

He doesn’t want to tell her he’s on the jabs. Fine, that’s down to him. But I’m starting to resent him for eating what he wants, not going to the gym and losing all this weight (and being praised incessantly for it) whereas I’m working hard and trying to make myself strong and healthy, and feel like I’m being judged and made to feel terrible.

He's not under any obligation to share his medical details. A friend of mine lost weight through gastric surgery, was she obliged to disclose that to everyone who complimented her?

He should tell his mother to leave his wife alone but he's not morally obliged to tell everything to anyone who mentions his weight loss.

OP

Forget about what your partner does or does not eat. You could try and point out it would be better to focus on his overall health rather than just his weight but ultimately its up to him, just like it's up to you how you go about your own weight loss.

I would have one last conversation with him, you need to be in agreement over how you raise your children and sometimes make compromises.

If your husband bringing junk home is an issue for you he needs to know but you need to find a way that is acceptable to you (he keeps it out of your sight, you incorporate less healthy food into your diet on an agreed day or whatever). As a yoyo dieter myself who really struggles with self restraint round food my OH keep his crisps/chocolate in a hidden place and only buys other things like pizza if he is going to eat it within a short time frame or he will get a variety I won't eat. Yes he shouldn't have to do that but relationships are supposed to be supportive and there are things I do for him that other people may feel I shouldn't have to do.

You are supporting his feelings by keeping his jabs a secret, he needs to support you back. That should include having your back with MIL if she is making comments. Make it clear that of he continues to fail to support you then your support will also be withdrawn because you cannot continue like this.

I really struggle with my weight but in all honesty would be more resentful about my husbands treatment of me than the fact he lost weight by not putting in as much effort if I were in your shoes.

You also should speak to MIL again. Tell her you understand she would be happy for her son but you have chosen a different and a hopefully more sustainable path as people who lose weight quickly often put it all back on or end up with other health issues. Tell her this is the last conversation you will have with her on the matter and if she mentions it again you will stop engaging with her on the subject.

Other commenters.

Please stop assuming everyone is on mounjaro of you are one of the people who are. It is wrong and it is upsetting to some people who are not using it.

I've been dieting on and off my whole life, when I was younger the weight would fall off me. Everyone seems to have forgotten that and mounjaro, even older things like oralist did not exist then.

Now I'm older it is so much harder but this past year I lost weight with barely even trying. I assumed through grief but I'm actually unwell. Now I'm faced with telling people I'm sick or having them make snide remarks about me "cheating" behind my back and sometimes to my face. Yes these comments do get back to the person even if you are too cowardly to say them to the person.

To everyone who said the OP is an 18 so clearly still overeating. None of you know this. You don't know her starting point, maybe she used to be much bigger?
You don't know about other things about her health either, maybe she's got other issues that are not helping her lose weight. Whatever the reason healthy weightloss takes time.

Honestly it positively infuriates me to the point of considering divorce that my husband won't go on the jabs. Together nearly 20 years. I've always been slim. He's left work at 41 so all he does is play video games and spend hours at the gym. Tbf he made enough money to retire but so so unsexy. He says. "Oh don't my muscles look so good?" No you nob it makes you looking even fatter because under a layer of fat. He's 235lbs at 6'2. I'm 108 at 5'8. Also 42. Not on jabs but nearly everyone I know is. I'm sick of the incessant gym and diet talk that has lasted for decades. It's annoying and exhausting when now completely unnecessary with jabs.

Hey OP, husband aside, I wanted to show you some solidarity.

I have recently ballooned to a size 18. Like you, I'm doing regular sustainable exercise. And addressing my disordered eating slowly, whilst being proud that I'm improving my health.

I'm not fat enough to be prescribed WLI and I don't want to pay £250 a month plus for them. And I also want to do it myself, so that I know I can sustain it.

All power, well done etc to the posters who have done brilliantly on WLI - they aren't for you or me and that is more than okay. Keep doing what you're doing, you're amazing!

You made me laugh out loud. Good job DH has gone to bed. I've had years of I've done 15k steps today. I'm only eating protein or whatever crazy ideas he's read all the while not losing more than a few pounds and putting them back on again.

Now he's on the jabs and it's hurting his pocket he's actually trying to eat well and drink water.

Nope. From an update She used to ask me straight up why I don’t lose weight until I asked her not to talk about my body. She now asks it in more indirect ways (like how often am I going to the gym).

What personal attack?

There might be nothing legally stopping her. But you’d have to be a pretty poor partner to directly go against your spouse’s wishes on this.

Maybe she didn’t think of it - I seem to be the only one who thinks lying by omission is still lying.

Adults don’t have to tell their mothers everything. He hasn’t hidden his school report at the bottom of his satchel.

Stop being a martyr and take the bloody jabs. There's no shame in it.

Have you thought about the cost of two adults on the jabs? The NHS aren't providing it for the majority who want it.

I can’t quite believe the number of posts saying to out him to his mother or threaten to out him. What a massive violation of a persons privacy. Would you divulge any other medical history to someone against their wishes? This is no different.

Tell your mother in law to shut her face.

I think this sort of thing can be very damaging in a marriage, when one person becomes slim and healthy and the other doesn’t, and resents them for it. I very much doubt this is really about the mil. It’s more about how the op feels about herself.

it can also then cause additional issues ie insecurity , will he look elsewhere, and hearing even basic compliments to him on it will shine a light on the fact she’s not lost weight. Jealousy snd resentment can make everything feel very different,I’ve a friend who when I lost the weight if anyone commented would sigh loudly and look away, in her head it was a barb at her, it wasn’t.

the fact of the matter is, irrelevant of what her husband eats, he’s eating in a defecit and has lost the weight, the op even if she eats healthy is eating too much of it, thus not losing weight, neither are healthy,

if the husbands diet is as bad as she says, and I’m not convinced it is, he likely eats healthy most days, and there is nothing wrong with a sandwich for lunch, but if it is, yes he needs to est nutrionally better. But she also has to improve her diet, not nutrionally but less.

and buying the kids chocolate croissant or whatever once a week is absolutely fine. The ops making out like he’s gorging on junk food every day and piling it into his kids, and again, I doubt this is the reality

the reality is only she can fix this, it’s her choice not to use the jabs, that’s fine, and valid, it’s a personal decision, but it does mean if she wishes to lose weight she needs to eat a lot less. The gym won’t do it.

I’ve skimmed but can’t see any mention of the costs involved too. Is it not prohibitively expensive? I think I’d be annoyed with that if he’s not going to change his eating habits and inevitably pile it back on.

Also, why is MIL judging you for weight gain yet presumably not her son, who didn’t carry a child for 9 months?!

Approx £400 of family money on weight loss jabs a month, every month? That's a lot of money for most (outside of Mumsnet at least)

@Runningswanker

cant think of a better way that ‘family money’ could be spent then helping OP to move into a healthy BMI, can you?

Maybe paying the bills 😕

OP said he's on MJ, which varies a lot. Low dose, shopping around for supplier discounts and bonus dosing could be as low as about £120 a month, the highest doses with dearest suppliers could be over £300. If OPs description of him as eating smaller amounts of the same crap is accurate, he'll also save money in his food costs. Not everyone does, as some people switch the type of food they eat, but same shit just less of it will.

But we've no information about their finances, so even assuming he's self-funding, no reason to think it's prohibitive. And there's no inevitability about piling it back on even if you keep the same crap habits in smaller amounts. He may simply stay on the jabs long term. Wegovy is a cheaper option than MJ, for example, so someone needing to tighten the belt might switch rather than quit. I think most couples have at least some provision for their own personal spending money, even if it's one pot otherwise. I'd be unimpressed if my spouse thought they had the right to be angry about how I'd spent mine.

Also not to defend MIL but it sounds like she was fixated on both of their weights.

For most people outside of the Mumsnet high earners it's the difference between having a secure roof over their head and savings, or not. You're lucky if you 'can't imagine that'.

If it's doable, and I find it hard to believe that its not some sort of sacrifice for most, I think it's worthwhile but I do think there should be some effort made to at least try to do it short term (by using it as a tool to create a lifestyle change) or by making an effort with diet and keeping on a lower, cheaper dose. It sounds like the DH CBA to do any of that, and that's where I think spending that much family money, without even trying to think of an exit plan, is a bit shitty.

@Runningswanker

OP is doing all that - working hard in the gym and eating healthy. And she’s still struggling. So yeah I think the jabs would be a good use of family money

yeah, ok, obviously bills have to be the first thing to come out of the pot, but other stuff like holidays or whatever can be forgone for the sake of OP’s health and wellbeing….that would benefit the kids way more than a holiday or that sort of thing

The difficulty with this is that there's no evidence that short term WLI usage and habit change is actually sustainable. I'd advise DH to eat better anyway, but it is actually entirely reasonable for someone to approach WLIs and weight loss knowing that all the evidence we have is that both short term WLI use and traditional dieting will probably result in the weight being put back on.

But I fully agree with you that nobody should just tell an obese person to take WLIs. Especially not one who's already said they don't want to! There are lots of things to take into consideration.

I was referring to the DH as to the lack of effort he's making. As to the OP, she's been clear she doesn't want to use them, she doesn't have to share her reasons for not doing so, but why you would insist she should take a drug she doesn't want to take and commit to a substantial amount of money for it is weird.

It sounds like the OP is already pretty healthy and active albeit a bit overweight, who are you to decide that being a couple of dress sizes smaller will be better for her than having a family holiday?

I don't think there's much point in speculating about finances. We have little info about affordability. beyond that one set of WLIs, a gym membership, decent food when OP cooks and various takeaways and corner shop crap can be afforded. There are people whose WLI usage will be no more than twenty odd quid a week, for others it's going to be multiples of that.

The fact that OP says she doesn't want to use them is enough by itself, even if they're wadded.

It's a fair point @AWomanOfWealthAndTaste but I just think it's fair to point out the cost is high. £20 a week tends to be either the initial first month offer equivalent, or people bending the rules by buying higher dose pens and using pharmacies that will let them push back a subscription date. £40-50 a week per person is much more typical.