AIBU to assume an almost 12-year-old no longer believes in Santa?

[EagerHelper]

My sons are in their 30s so maybe I’m misremembering, hence this post to get some feedback from parents with younger kids.

My niece is 12 in a few weeks, and I was asking her what she wanted for her birthday. I mentioned something she might like and she said “no I think I might ask for that for Christmas”, which got us on to the subject of Christmas. I told her how oldest son wrote to Santa but didn’t tell me, then when he didn’t get the requested gift that’s how he found out Santa wasn’t real.

Niece just carried on chatting but her mother (SIL) was staring daggers at me and they left shortly after.

I then got an angry message from her saying niece still believes in Santa (and the tooth fairy apparently) and I’ve ruined things.

I was very apologetic, but it would never have occurred to me that an almost 12 year old would still believe.

Is this still common at that age? I’m pretty sure my sons stopped believing at about the age of 8 at the latest.

I think it's trust, my daughter is very smart, achieving 9's at school but she would never think I would lie to her so when I told her, she was very upset and actually a bit cross with me. I guess it depends how good you are at playing Santa too, I've always been extremely careful and obviously very convincing,we have great memories and now she enjoys playing along for her brother (who is age 11 and still believes) and younger cousins.

I think kids are believing in Santa until a much older age these days! I’ve known quite a few people who have had to tell their kids about Santa in the summer before they go to high school

They had used their interest and knowledge of science and tech to carefully work out how it would be possible for FC to visit children around the world in one night.

But they hadn't, apparently, worked out that it's not physically possible for reindeer to fly and that a human being can't get into people's houses by magic. And he also hadn't questioned how Santa is apparently immortal. Or how he knows what to bring each child. Or why he brings rich children more presents than poor children. Or how he is apparently invisible while flying in his sleigh, or flies at an altitude that would be fatal for a human being or a reindeer.

I'm not saying your child wasn't intelligent. I am saying, however, that he was either pulling your leg about 'believing', or that he was very, very naive - neither of which are incompatible with being a high achiever in certain school subjects, to be fair. There's more than one type of intellect. Being exceptional at sciences doesn't equal emotional intelligence or common sense.

Unless she lives in total isolation from the outside world or is very behind her peers, there is no chance she still believes in Santa.

She'll be playing along with it for the sake of her mother.

I feel 12 is a little bit old. I thought around 8 or so kids usually stop believing but I always avoid mentioning Santa just in case 😂

My daughter will be 12 in August. The other day she was clearing out a draw of mine and found a load of teeth! To say she was in shock would be an understatement! She does have AUDHD, although I think the truth is that she never really wanted to believe otherwise.
Tbf I don't know why I kept all of those teeth as I don't even know which one of the three they belong to 😂 I ended up throwing them out!

I don't disagree with you.

I do think that topics and conversations like this though are best handled by the parents, who know their child and any specific sensitivities, and can handle in the best way possible.

Are you suggesting every person with a religious belief is of low IQ?

My son is nearly 11, I'm pretty sure he knows. However, we NEVER discuss it. I feel like part of the love and magic is we keep going through the routines and traditions together, even though we both know! He also has a little sister (not sure if your niece does) and I wouldn't want it to become a normal or common discussion in case she overheard or picked up on it. Once its out in the open, I feel like it becomes a bit silly somehow, but if we all carry on pretending then we can keep playing at it!!

My DCs are 22, 20 and 16.

We've never had a conversation about santa not being real.

They all know he's not real.

But they still love the whole magic of it!

The things that make childhood fun are so short-lived nowadays, and the realities of being a teenager now are so different and pressurised compared to when we were that age.

Why rush to get past all the lovely childhood stuff?

Adulthood is boring and stressful most of the time - why the haste to get everyone there?

I think that's a borderline age. My 11 year old is still in primary school and she's very dubious but clinging on. I actually tried to properly tell her he's not real a few years back and it went horribly! So now I think I'll just never tell her 😂 My 9yo will probably be more matter of fact.

Wanting to believe and believing are not the same thing though.

No. Having faith is not imagining something.

If you had still believed in the tooth fairy at my secondary school you would have been bullied mercilessly. She needs to let it go imo.

DS is 8 now, he's been having doubts since he was about five but has gone along with it until recently

Most kids that age would have grown out of it. Starting school usually does that.

We’re the same. I don’t know what age I was, but I just knew Santa wasn’t real any more but I didn’t find it shocking or upsetting, just at an age where you know it’s not possible! I knew my mum knew I knew, but you just keep the magic going. I’m almost certain my 9 year old doesn’t believe, on Christmas Eve she gave me the whole wink wink nudge nudge face behind the younger two backs

I’m a secondary school teacher and would never say something like that to any child! It sounds as though you did it deliberately tbh.

I’m autistic (we didn’t know I was at the time) and I believe till I was 11 because my brother told me. He didn’t want me getting bullied (thank fucking god he told me though). My thought process for still believing despite other kids telling me is that my mum and dad would never lie to me and I had seen Santa in our house. I had not seen Santa btw it was my grandad delivering my bike in the middle of the night in his red united shirt, but through the frosted glass it was Santa as far as I was concerned. Genuinely until I was 11 I would have told you with 100% confidence I had seen Santa in my house.

I am always cautious with other peoples kids. I’ve had a 7 year old tell me “you know Santa isn’t real right Mrs GreenCaterpillar?” And I always reply with a “What? Then how did my presents get under the tree?” This kid turned around to me and said it was probably my husband carrying on pretending to not hurt my feelings 😭. But I’ve also met teenagers who believe, admittedly they were neurodivergent (or at least they seemed to be).

That’s the thing though. I’m in my 30s, like OP’s children. Something must have changed because when we were of an age to believe in Father Christmas I don’t remember it being expected that we’d carry on believing without questioning until secondary school.

It felt like magic for younger children and a bit of fun you all played along with as you got older. I get the impression parents weren’t going to such lengths to be so careful and convincing that it carried on so long. I have a toddler myself and without seeing it on Mumsnet I’d never have known things had changed so much so I don’t feel it’s unreasonable for someone like OP who perhaps doesn’t have young children to not realise they have to be careful to keep up the Father Christmas lie around a 12 year old.

This is quite a generalisation but I think by around year 4 in school some kids don’t believe and by year 5 and 6 only the most naive/send children don’t believe. In my experience though year 3 or 4 is the last year they truly believe it without any reservations.

As many others have said - I believe in this child’s case, she plays along for her Mum.

what I would say however, for her Mum to then send you an angry text is not on at all. & if she is going to get so worked up about a 12 year old (finally) realising that Santa/tooth fairy isn’t real, then hold on top for the teenage years! That is going to hurt her ALOT!

Worked with a (horrible) woman who would go on about the fact her 13 year old still believed. She got thousands of pounds of gifts. Everyone used to say we’d believe too if thats what we got.

You’re unreasonable in this instance because you bought it up. She didn’t ask if Father Christmas was real or anything similar, she just said she would put something on her Christmas list.

It’s not unreasonable to think a 12 year old probably knows he not real. But there’s no need to assume it and drop the bomb.

It’s deeply unreasonable for you to expect the entire world to pander to your inability to accept that your child is growing up.

Topics like whether Santa is real, where babies come from etc. are for the parents to have. They are best place to handle the conversations in the most appropriate way for that individual child, at a time that's right for that individual child.

You think they haven't heard it all on the school playground long before that?