AIBU to assume an almost 12-year-old no longer believes in Santa?

[EagerHelper]

My sons are in their 30s so maybe I’m misremembering, hence this post to get some feedback from parents with younger kids.

My niece is 12 in a few weeks, and I was asking her what she wanted for her birthday. I mentioned something she might like and she said “no I think I might ask for that for Christmas”, which got us on to the subject of Christmas. I told her how oldest son wrote to Santa but didn’t tell me, then when he didn’t get the requested gift that’s how he found out Santa wasn’t real.

Niece just carried on chatting but her mother (SIL) was staring daggers at me and they left shortly after.

I then got an angry message from her saying niece still believes in Santa (and the tooth fairy apparently) and I’ve ruined things.

I was very apologetic, but it would never have occurred to me that an almost 12 year old would still believe.

Is this still common at that age? I’m pretty sure my sons stopped believing at about the age of 8 at the latest.

It's obvious that the niece doesn't believe any more, but hasn't told her Mum yet, or assumed her Mum knows.
Surely your SIL cannot be this unaware?

It’s easier to just not discuss Santa with children, because you never know.

I think its safest to never assume.

My DS(8, 9 in Sept) I think still believes. There have been a few comments from school friends but he's not given into it yet. He does have a younger sister so might be holding out for her a little.
We had the conversation the last mums night out and I'd say 75% still believe at 8-9 years in DS class. Mums with older kids said it was a gradual reduction in those believing between Y 3 and Y 5.

Assuming no SN, TBH in this case I’d think the girl does know, but likes to pretend she still believes, to please her mother. And/or she thinks she’s more likely to get whatever it is she’s asked for!

Unless your niece lives in an isolated world wrapped in cotton wool or has learning difficulties i dont see how she could still think Santa was real.

Unlikely but not impossible I’d say.

SIL babies both her kids quite a bit. They also have a 16 year old and he’s very young for his age so idk

My son is 11 and hasn't believed since he was about 7 - we still put a stocking out with a mince pie and a carrot and a nice drink for Santa and the reindeer etc, but it's just a lovely thing to do now rather than anyone actually pretending.

But I would say at least 50% of the parents or kids in his year at school claim their children still believe. Obviously I've no idea how many of those are just going along with it to keep mum & dad happy!

I don't really understand why people are so desperate to keep up the pretence once their children are suspicious, but each to their own.

On some level the girl knows Santa isn't real, I'm sure. But it's a game some families like to play, pretending together that they still believe. As far as I know my Mum still believes, and she's in her mid seventies.

I would have assumed the same at the age of 12, but I do tend to check with the parents first. I wouldn't assume that they know by 8 either. I had to tell my son last year when he was 10 as he was starting secondary school. My friends have children around the same age, ranging from 8 to 16. The 8 year old and another boy a few months older than my son still believed, so I made sure to tell my son that he shouldn't spoil it for them.

I didn't figure it out until I was 10. And that was because my mum was careless with the wrapping paper!

(I don't know if it makes any difference, but we are all ND).

I would assume she didn’t believe but not say anything just in case. Mine both stopped aged 9/10 which is probably considered late. I do know of a mum who wrote a complaint email to her son’s secondary school for talking to them about the myth of Santa. The teacher had assumed all the year 7s didn’t believe any more and apparently this lady’s son did and she was outraged. So maybe it can happen that some do still believe but it’s got to be unusual (if no SEN etc)

It's not your job to lie to children.

She’s too old at 12 years old. I think it’s wishful thinking from her mother, wanting to cling on to the childhood magic.
On the remote chance she does still believe in Father Christmas you have done her a huge favour in bringing her out of it in a kind way.

I'd be surprised if she didn't know. My then 8 year old looked it up on google to confirm his suspicions and told me quite bluntly 'I know you're lying Mum' 😂

We informed our dd first year of secondary so probably 12 (early birthday) she was devastated, she genuinely still believed at that age. Its unusual but it does happen.

We actually do this ourselves. I still pretend to my sons that I believe and tell them that anyone who doesn’t won’t get presents. So they eyeroll and go along with it 😂

Both my DS (10 and 12) know that Santa isn't real. But by not saying it out loud they can still pretend that it is real and enjoy the fun. I asked older DS if he still wanted to hang up his stocking and he most definitely did.

I’d say she definitely knows, and SIL is delusional.

If she had younger siblings, I’d say maybe not, if the parents made a big effort with the younger children.

How can a 12 year old believe in the tooth fairy just doesn’t make sense. Surely she knows that people buy her presents or maybe she has never been told to thank people for presents they have given her.

Yes, the angry message told me not to bring up the tooth fairy either. With regard to Santa, the way I did it was to say that Santa brought a few gifts but the rest were from (whoever).

No you can't assume. My step daughter had to be explicitly told aged 11. She also realised aged 11 - because we assumed she knew and made no effort to hide it - that the Easter bunny isn't real, and she cried. So don't take anything for granted.

Mine all “know” but they play the game and it’s an unsaid thing. My 17 year old wrote a note last Christmas. My twins’ English teacher was talking about Father Christmas not being real last December and the whole class told her she was clearly on the naughty list and they said she was wrong - they’re 14 so had fun with that.

My mum got very upset when I stopped believing so I pretended for her sake. We still do each other stockings and we’re 45 and 77!

So she may be pretending for her mum.

My son is 12 next week and I don’t think he’s fully out of believing. He asks me sometimes to confirm Santa isn’t real but then if I do he gets a bit upset. He’s very young for his age and is ND so I think it’s all a bit confusing to him. I just never assume a child doesn’t believe tbh. I don’t think you’ve really done anything wrong though, the mum needs to chill.

To be honest, if a kid still believed in Father Christmas at the age of 12, I'd be a bit concerned about their intellect.