AIBU to assume an almost 12-year-old no longer believes in Santa?

[EagerHelper]

My sons are in their 30s so maybe I’m misremembering, hence this post to get some feedback from parents with younger kids.

My niece is 12 in a few weeks, and I was asking her what she wanted for her birthday. I mentioned something she might like and she said “no I think I might ask for that for Christmas”, which got us on to the subject of Christmas. I told her how oldest son wrote to Santa but didn’t tell me, then when he didn’t get the requested gift that’s how he found out Santa wasn’t real.

Niece just carried on chatting but her mother (SIL) was staring daggers at me and they left shortly after.

I then got an angry message from her saying niece still believes in Santa (and the tooth fairy apparently) and I’ve ruined things.

I was very apologetic, but it would never have occurred to me that an almost 12 year old would still believe.

Is this still common at that age? I’m pretty sure my sons stopped believing at about the age of 8 at the latest.

Only for the terminally unimaginative

I wonder if in a world of tech ,SM and so on .clinging to believing in old fairy stories is a kind of comfort? Probably safe not to mention any more to anyone !8

Being able to imagine something does not equate to believing in it.

Completely agree (along with a strange man in your child's bedroom being acceptable because he is bringing presents) , we never told ours that he was a real thing but we always left presents in a stocking. We have a real issue with the whole idea of 'good' children getting presents and 'bad' children not. What message does that send to children who are from dysfunctional families and get no presents. That they are 'bad'.
If ours asked we always said it was us leaving them. The problem we had is they didn't believe that he didn't exist until they were about 8 despite us telling them each year we left the presents not an obese guy dressed in red employed by an American Corporation😂 They had majical Christmases growing up and we still have full family Christmas as adults, but it never involved entering into this crazy conspiracy.
Still believing at 12 is just about the parents not wanting their children to grow up. It's pretty ridiculous for a 12 year old to genuinely believe in the idea of a fat block flying around the world delivering presents. It's irresponsible for parents to perpetuate this belief for their own ends at this age.

I’ve 6 year old twins.
My daughter has said “I know Santa’s not real”, but in a tone that wants reassurance he exists. I just say “of course he’s real”!
We’re going to Lapland to see Santa this winter. Her brother believes and he says Santa has to be real, since we’re going to meet him.
My daughter says she’s going to pull his beard to see if it’s real!

I hope we get a few more years of them believing.

If a 12vyear old in school said they believed in satna they'd get the piss ripped out of them big time

I distinctly remember still wanting to believe at 11, almost 12. I was in year 7 and we were discussing Christmas when the topic of Santa came up, I can’t remember what my friends said but it shattered any remaining illusion I had. I think I knew really but desperately wanted to cling on. I’m sure your niece knows really.

I agree that the safest would be to never assume, though I personally would think kids stop believing way earlier than that.
Depends on whether they actually believe or if its a running joke. The whole Santa thing could come up ironically quite often even between the adults, me and my friends are well in our 30s and we still talk about Santa getting us the perfect gifts for each other, so 😂My nephew is 10 and he doesn't believe as well but he may joke about it too, like last year he saw old family pictures that I colorized in Photoglory and showed at the family gathering and he was like "Wow, Santa really went out of his way" (it was around Christmas time)

my DD still believed until 12. it was a beautiful thing.

If a year 7 child still believes in Santa, her parents have done her a terrible injustice by not telling her.

Some kids really want to believe in magic. I have one of those, I suspect I'll have to tell her when the time comes.

😂ridiculous

Regardless of what you assume and presume - You are not her parent and it wasn't up to you to go on ahead with your presumption. Just be more mindful. It's not difficult.

As the saying goes, "Assume makes an Ass out of U and Me."

I think it's really nice for children to still say they believe, and at 12 they are going through a lot of changes in life, it's nice to retain that little bit of innocence of childhood. If she wanted to still believe, that's lovely. I would never assume children 'know' or want to say they know, if that makes sense.

You’ve probably saved her from being ridiculed at school.

Grown adults believe in god, do you question their intellect? Maybe they want to believe cos for some kids the world is a scary place and what's wrong with having a bit of magic in your life?

She’s in secondary school for goodness sake, she’d get bullied if her friends found out she “still believes”.

Tbh though since she didn’t bat an eye when you mentioned it, she likely already knows and was keeping up the pretence so as to not upset her parents!

My almost 12 taller old still believes in Santa and the tooth fairy! She has two younger siblings so not sure if she hasn’t told me she no longer believes or is still believing because they do?

Honestly if she still believes then you’ve done her a favour. At some point it’s just silly to let a child believe. I doubt she does though. My much younger SILs never told their mum they knew Santa wasn’t real and they were still getting presents from Santa at 14 and 16. It was ridiculous lol.

But then again my dad told me Santa wasn’t real when I was about 4, and I don’t think I will push the lie for mine, I don’t mind a bit of magic, but find some of it goes a bit far and becomes a bit of an unnecessary lie so maybe I’m not the right person to judge

My DS 13 has never explicitly said he doesn't believe but gives me the eyes like he knows but isn't going to say 😂 I think he probably got wise when DD was at peak believing age and went along with it. Needless to say, he doesn't want to go and meet Santa (but then there was only a very tiny window where he did). DD8 hasn't believed for a good year or so, same with the tooth fairy. But has agreed that it's nice to have traditions and enjoy the story and has promised she won't ruin it for any friends or cousins. I actually find it more relaxed now I'm not worried that I'm going to mess up 😂

I think there is such a thing these days with making it more and more elaborate and magical that some parents just don't want to let that stage pass. It's not going to sit on some guy with a dodgy beards lap at the school Christmas fair anymore, it's people spending hundreds on fake lapland experiences (which is fine). My parents would never have left signs of Santa's foot prints or remnants of reindeer food either.

I also think it's kinda mean to have a kid go to high school not knowing that it's a tradition rather than reality. Maybe it will go unnoticed, but if it doesn't, then that's not how I'd want that bubble to burst. I'm also amazed that she hasn't spotted references in ages appropriate TV/film/books.

You shouldn't assume at that age, a lot of them are told in year 6 but I didn't tell my daughter until year 7 (age 12) so she had one extra year of believing than most of her friends. She totally believed and I felt heartbroken telling her but I couldn't let her carry on at secondary school still believing and arguing with her friends that they were all wrong! She was very upset and a bit embarrassed so I should have told her a bit sooner really but because she still totally believed I just couldn't bring myself to ruin the magic. I think 8 years is very young to tell them, why do that and then risk them telling their peers,I think age 10 at the earliest if they are questioning things.

She's too old according to whom? There is no rules around the age that kids can or can't believe. Kids are all different and mature at different times. Topics like whether Santa is real, where babies come from etc. are for the parents to have. They are best place to handle the conversations in the most appropriate way for that individual child, at a time that's right for that individual child.

The OP hasn't 'done her a huge favour' at all, it's an overstep.

A 12 year old without significant learning difficulties shouldn't think babies come in the doctor's black bag either.

.

She's too old according to the observable norms of reality. Of course the 12 year old didn't react, she's known from the age of 7 or 8 from school that Santa doesn't exist and understands that mummy dearest is a bit deluded and wants her to carry on pretending to believe.

Imagine sending a child to secondary school still convinced that Santa exists. Good Lord, does this daft person actually want her child to be made a mockery of?

Personally, I think it's doing kids a disservice to let them reach the end of primary school still believing in santa, easter bunny, etc. You can still have 'magic' without that. You're meant to be growing up and getting ready to go to the 'big school'.
But then I was the kid who looked at 'santa' and thought 'how does that fat git get down the chimney, and there's a gas fire in the hearth so he's stuck, and if he comes down the other chimney he's straight into the aga, so clearly this is nonsense'. I don't remember ever believing, so I must have grown out of it by early primary school!
I had a friend who's parents had to tell her it was all just a story because the idea of some random dude coming into the house scared her!