AIBU to assume an almost 12-year-old no longer believes in Santa?

[EagerHelper]

My sons are in their 30s so maybe I’m misremembering, hence this post to get some feedback from parents with younger kids.

My niece is 12 in a few weeks, and I was asking her what she wanted for her birthday. I mentioned something she might like and she said “no I think I might ask for that for Christmas”, which got us on to the subject of Christmas. I told her how oldest son wrote to Santa but didn’t tell me, then when he didn’t get the requested gift that’s how he found out Santa wasn’t real.

Niece just carried on chatting but her mother (SIL) was staring daggers at me and they left shortly after.

I then got an angry message from her saying niece still believes in Santa (and the tooth fairy apparently) and I’ve ruined things.

I was very apologetic, but it would never have occurred to me that an almost 12 year old would still believe.

Is this still common at that age? I’m pretty sure my sons stopped believing at about the age of 8 at the latest.

At 5 a child has only just started to understand and believe fully. It’s crazy to suggest the cut off is 5 maybe 6 imo.

A 5 year old believing in Santa making you angry is actually unhinged.

You did nothing wrong, OP. No child of average intelligence at secondary school believes in FC or the tooth fairy.

I had this issue with a coworker recently. I think she saw in my face I was kinda baffled, but in my defence her son is in year 7!! How did he make it to year 7 with no other kid telling him?

^This.

Ignore SIL and make sure DN gets a gift she'd like from you not "Santa".

I honestly didn't think there'd be a Christmas question on the hottest day of the year!!

🎄🎁⛄

Well her Mother had better have the conversation before senior school as that would be a trigger bullying point…..

My then sister in law mentioned that her eldest still believed in Father Christmas, she was about to start secondary school. I thought you should tell her, I didn't think she should start secondary school still believing. Maybe DN had figured it out really. I thought my SIL was an idiot allowing her to go to big school without telling her.

You see this is where everyone goes wrong.

Santa delivers the gifts. Like Royal Mail but with Rudolf dragging the van...
They're from your family and friends.

I taught in a junior school and always assumed that children from year 5 onwards didn’t believe in Santa. Even if the parents still keep up the pretence I would be very surprised if another child hasn’t told them by that age.

It doesn't worry you at all?

I’m sure she knows but probably plays along just in case the presents stop.

We had to tell our 13 year old, 12 years ago.
He was a bit surprised because every year Santa brought him an Arsenal jersey despite the fact I refused to buy one and was clear that I wasn't a fan of soccer jerseys.

That was his proof that Santa was real.
We always bought the big items, but Santa bought the contraband items.
He wasn't the least bit bothered.

I never entertained the Easter bunny....rampaging through the neighbourhood. Nope.

Age 11 my other son had several friends who definitely believed.....he was very sceptical at that age.

I agree that being angry is a bit over the top...but one could say that maintaining an elaborate deception and lying to your child for years in order to fool them into believing in a magical stranger you know isn't real, for as long as possible, is what's really unhinged!

I knew Santa and the tooth fairy wasn't real from about 5/6 years old.

I am a massive Santa advocate - we do all the magic with letters, mince pies left out etc as our kids are little. But there will come a time when this simply isn't appropriate anymore and when they are in secondary school is definitely way beyond that time.
DD is sharp as a pin and will work it out anyway.

Your SIL is doing her child no favours by treating her as a baby and letting her believe in fairy stories when she is approaching her teens.

I think this is often what happens.

It's a bit odd - the child eventually realises their parents are lying to them, but often doesn't want to confront them about it because a.) should they question it if their parents are pushing it, and b.) they might not get (as many) presents. The parents know (or suspect) that the child knows they're lying, and that the child is also lying to them, in pretending to still believe. But as long as they all keep lying to each other....the magic is preserved?

I don't get it, personally. We brought our kids up to see Santa and the Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy/Yule Lads as fun (and elaborate) pretend games that we all knowingly bought into. It was still magical, but everyone knew what was real and what was make-believe.

I’d reply to SIL and tell her that it’s a good job DN found out now because she’d be absolutely terrored in secondary school if the other kids discovered she still believed in Santa.

I found out when I was 7 but for some reason I pretended I still believed in him until 12ish. I think i wanted to believe it!

Mini blondes 9.5 still believes and hopefully will in 6mths and will be year 5 ~ but that will prob be her last. Sobs

if somehow manage to get to yr 6 so 10.5 and will be going to secondary school in the sept I will mention it in the summer holidays

as it starts talking at secondary about fc getting her this, or she has asked fc for that etc, then likely to get the piss ripped out of her

or worse in the Jan back at school and says fc got me my bike /phone etc ……

so yes you would assume by 12 they know

I knew Santa and the tooth fairy wasn't real from about 5/6 years old.

Yes I'd worked it out by then. I said to my mum 'Father Christmas isn't real is he?' and she said 'No, but don't tell [younger sibling]'.

If I'd been older than around six, she'd have told me not to tell both younger siblings, because by that time the youngest was old enough to understand.

One has to wonder about the critical thinking skills of 11/12yos who still believe.

And also wonder how many of these parents who insist on prolonging a myth about a saint would be outraged if anyone told their child God and Jesus are real.

I think it’s safest never to assume! I mean obviously eventually you can assume, but whilst 12 is toward the top end of the window in which they might believe, it’s not entirely outside of that window.

A lot of kids like to cling to the belief even if on one level they know it’s not real, because it’s part of the magic.

My DC 1 still believed until just before they started secondary school, when I chose to tell them because I was concerned that it could make them a target for bullies. DC was definitely NOT intellectually challenged. In fact, they had been assessed by an ed psychologist as having an exceptional IQ. They had used their interest and knowledge of science and tech to carefully work out how it would be possible for FC to visit children around the world in one night.
As an adult, they have a great degree in physics, a masters in the subject and was the first undergraduate at their university to be published in probably the most prestigious peer reviewed journal for the subject.
One of their favourite fun tasks for their GCSE students at Christmas is to set them the task of deciding whether FC could get around the world, delivering presents in one night.

Typo

My kids never want it confirmed and my 14 yo went mad at me last year for even asking if he still believed saying ‘of course i do’. He’s genuinely really bright so must know but wants the magic.
my parents told me when I was 8 and im still a bit cross with them even now

I think you should absolutely be able to assume that they know once they’re at secondary, and frankly, parents should stop being so precious about it. The tooth fairy! Ffs.

I keep thinking of that scene in Vicar of Dibley, when Geraldine is trying to tell the adult Alice as gently as she can that the Easter Bunny is not real.

”You know, that moment when your mum tells you about Santa…”
Alice: “what about him?!”

I would be surprised and also concerned if someone aged 8/9 still believes.