AIBU for shouting after being locked out with my sick child?

[Kittenwatch]

How often have you really shouted/lost your temper at your partner/spouse?

I’ve been with my DH for over 20 years. We generally have a calm relationship. Neither of us are perfect obviously but we generally divide stuff up fairly well. We’ve probably only had 2/3 serious blow-ups in that time.

They all stem from his shit memory.

Today I screamed at him like I’ve never before. He was in the wrong but people still shouldn’t be shouted at. I was so angry and still am. I’m not sure what’s next.

He’s wfh today. I was called to collect our youngest son from school. I told him and he acknowledged the message - he’s interviewing all day so had limited opportunities to communicate which I get.

I arrived back home to the chain on the door. For no fucking reason. I rang the door, messaged and called him. Nothing (and I can see he didn’t read the messages). I drove around for 30 ish mins with windows down because I couldn’t sit on the drive in the car with sick DS and my neighbour wasn’t home.

After half an hour my neighbour returned home and very kindly yanked up her fence so I could climb under and get in.

So we’re in and he came down after his meeting finished oblivious and I screamed at him that he was stupid and to go away.

He’s upstairs interviewing again. I’m calmer but still angry.

Points to note:

DS is autistic with high support needs - he’s 8 but intellectually more like a 2/3 year old. He’s non verbal and cannot communicate how he feels. I collected him because he’d been sick at school.

I have a mobility issue. Getting under the fence was a significant challenge.

There is zero reason for the chain to be on.

I had messaged him repeatedly and called him too. Even if he couldn’t answer I think that a phone repeatedly buzzing when you know your wife was collecting your sick child warrants at least a glance.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is. I’m angry with him and disappointed in myself for losing my rag.

YANBU. Are you sure he was interviewing? The chain suggests to me that he was doing something that he didn't want to be disturbed doing. And I don't mean interviewing. It was totally inappropriate of him. You deserve an apology. How is your son doing now?

YANBU. Sounds like a horrible day and his absent mindedness has caused some of it.

I’m really sorry op but of the two of you, you come off far worse here. Should he have left the chain on? No. Is it rational to respond in the way you have? Not at all.

Remove the chain permanently. No need for it ever, and that's one thing you can do so this never happens again.
Your DH was very very stupid to do that and not to think: what if there is an emergency?
He may be ND too I suppose.
It's have lost my temper too, I'm sure.
The question is really what if next time there is an bigger emergency, one that requires him, and he is like this, does something like this?

YANBU - stupid pointless thoughtless thing to do

Definitely interviewing. I’m not concerned about him doing anything other than what he said. I thank god the back door was opened or we’d have not been able to get in for ages.

Son is very lethargic but no more vomit so hopefully it’s heat rather than a bug.

Probably better the chain than to be caught wanking by you and DS.

Why would he deliberately put the chain (that isn't used) on unless he was keeping you out?

He was clearly having a wank. What a pig. I’d have sat on the drive on the horn.

We do need it because DS can use keys and likes to open the front door. His not able to take the chain off (yet) so we know he can’t get out when it’s on. We are only supposed to use it overnight.

He wasn’t wanking.

What grown man puts the chain on the door during the work day when he knows his wife and sick child are on their way home?

Does he have form for doing little things to make your life harder?

I told my ex not to lock the front door as I didn’t have my key and of course he went and locked it when he went out. Wasn’t answering phone, in fact it went straight to voice mail.
Sat on the step for ages then went and searched the local pubs. Finally found him, pissed up. Had a right go at him. Said I’d been trying to call him, and he got his phone out and breezily said ‘battery died’.
not proud of this but I slapped him in front of his mate which I feel very ashamed for even now.
it was the blasé drunk attitude which tipped me over the edge.

No fucking clue hence being so angry

I think what a lot of us women have to understand is that it doesnt matter how we think we were provoked, it is never ok to be verbally or physically abusive and scream and shout at people. Never ever unless you are defending yourself from physical assault.

It doesnt matter how wound up you were or how tired or hungry or whatever. I would never allow a man, even my husband, to roar at me in anger. He'd be out the house that night or I would with our kids if he refused to leave after behaving that way.

I have no idea why some of us women think the rules are different for us because we have a vagina.

I'm sorry OP but he put the chain on because he didn't want you to catch him doing something.

I think in the context of an otherwise loving respectful relationship, losing your temper 3 times in 20 years shouldn't be a deal breaker. Presumably you didn't hurt or intimidate him or say things that are unforgivable. So once you've calmed down, apologise for the way you delivered the message, but not for the message itself.

You should have been arrested and charged with violence.

Try to calm and reduce your anger.
It isn't worth it.
It wasn't intentionally malice.
Unfortunate but not intentional.

Is it habit? As its safer for your son i could see he could be doing something like this without thinking.

He forgot, it was hot, the child was sick you are cross.

This does not translate to LTB. Mumsnet is wild.

I would hope that he was suitably apologetic.

What on earth has happened to the world of mumsnet at least that a husband doesn't remember to take the latch off the front door and the first thought is he must be having a wank! Op had told him she was collecting ds and coming home! Yes he was thoughtless but he is suddenly some sort of sex addict who sits at his desk wanking when he's meant to be working. For fucks sake people have a word!

It was annoying, no doubt about it, especially in this hot weather. But in fairness to your DH, he may have put the chain on totally absent-minded, not even realising he had done so, given that you out the chain on the door each night. And perhaps he had his phone on silent and just didn’t see your messages or was totally engrossed in his interviews that he didn’t check his phone.

No - he doesn’t. He’s absent minded which is something he has always been and drives me mad, but generally speaking no.

Does the housework, joint finances without issue even though he’s higher earner, does all our cooking, proper dad etc.

He’s not feckless or a twat. He’s generally thoughtful and he’s a slightly nerdy professional who tries to make life better for everyone.

What he’s short at it multitasking of any kind. If I was in a meeting and knew DH was coming home after 20-30
mins I’d be thinking ‘where are they?’ and subtly check my phone. I’d have seen the message and then quickly unlocked the door. When he’s working nothing else gets through.

This is absolutely what happened - there was zero malice. I’m still really angry.