AIBU to feel shocked my 23-year-old daughter is marrying?

[SlothsRUs]

My 23 year old daughter has just announced that she is getting married next year.

I am completely shocked.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early.

I tried to be joyous and congratulate her but would you be happy?

I want to know why she wants to marry this young.

I know she is an adult and what she does is nothing to do with me but I am really shocked.

I got married when I was 23. If my mum and dad had EVER treated me like the imbecile you're treating daughter as, they would never have seen me again.

She's not 5. She's 23. Unless you think she's thick (and that's how I would have taken it if my parents started this shit with me), stay out of it.

Her life, her choice.

@SALaw We'll agree to disagree. In our family, we do tend to discuss everything and if I mentioned it and my DD told me to mind my own business, I would definitely shut up! But I'd raise it.

I got married when I was 23. If my mum and dad had EVER treated me like the imbecile you're treating daughter as, they would never have seen me again.

@Differentforgirls You'd go no contact with your parents because they tried to advise you on some serious legal issues? Parents are typically among the few people in the world who truly care for us, I wouldn't discard them so easily.

I’d be pretty impressed that she wants to get married, a lot of youngsters don’t bother! 🙂

I got married at 23. This year is our 39th anniversary.

OP, are you sure that is isn't a shock for you partly because in your heart, you're not ready to fully let go of her and this marriage is a signal to you that she has grown up? And that's come far sooner that what you were expecting?

I think the most important thing to do is to gently ensure that she is savvy with regards to finances. She still has stars in her eyes at the moment. If he's much wealthier than her, he and his family may have every good legal and financial advice, and it's important that they don't manage to dismiss any attempts she makes to advocate for herself, and allow any concerns she has to be quietened for the sake of romance.

“wonder what percentage of those agreeing with DD are still with their DH if they married at that age or younger?”

Well it would be natural that those who have experienced happy and long lasting relationships from their early 20s will be less likely to see marrying at 23 as worrying because they have seen that it can be successful. Conversely people who’ve had bad experiences will be biased the other way. It’s the same with every opinion about all sorts of things - personal experience informs our thinking.

I'd be disappointed too.
I would love for my daughter to follow her dream career around the world, work abroad a bit/lot, experience festivals etc as a single. I know some couples marry and don't settle down, but most do.
Having to share everything so young feels like she'd be missing out on living life as an adult just for herself. Life is full of responsibilities. Immediately tying yourself feels like self-jeopardising your youth.

Well of course it’s ultimately her choice. But it’s not thick to be naive and unworldly. I wouldn’t have had your confidence and self assurance at 23.

I think it would be unusual for people to be quite that furious with their parents for worrying about big life decisions. This isn’t telling her what to do it’s making sure her choice is made with all relevant information.

I’m not really sure why posters are saying I got married at 20 and have been together for 20 years etc.

Obviously it’s completely different because it was a completely different time back then.

A lot of women felt pressured to get married before they were 30 or were judged for being unwed mothers etc but there isn’t that stigma today and so I’m not sure the comparison is relevant.

I would be gutted if it was my DD but at the same time you only live once and if this is what makes her happy then great!
They can always separate and divorce if they choose to.

Be happy that we live in a country and a time where women have this choice and the option to leave and divorce at any time.

No, at 23 it really isn't. She is an adult, she can make her own choices. You don't have to agree with them, but they are hers to make. She will make many mistakes before her time is up, she will make many right decisions - it is all part of life and you have to let her get on with it. I am sure she would rather get married with your blessing, but if you push this she will do this without you.

I married at 23 and didn't realise how young I really was. It may sound trite but it's only when you get older that you realise how young you were in your 20s. At the time you feel completely grown up, and yes in many ways you are, but you often still have a lot of growing to do. That doesn't mean your daughter's making a mistake though. I did but many people marry young and do just fine. Try to be happy and positive as she will remember your reaction.

Which is an obsession with money and treating your daughter like a toddler. I'd seriously stop speaking to you.

Just to be clear, I was never no contact with my parents or my in laws.

I met DH when he was 22 (I'm older). He wanted to get married straight away. It was me who put the brakes on. It took us more than five years in the end.

My point being, that the issue is meeting the right person not the age you marry. A lot of people would have got married younger if they'd had the choice. They simply don't have the choice.

Marriages are more likely to survive than a cohabitating arrangement.

Your focus should be on her partner and if he's right for her, not on her age.

By the sound of it, you don't know him very well. That's your issue.

Don't be daft. You only have to see the plethora of women posting on here to know how many end up financially or economically disadvantaged because of some legal aspect between themselves and their partner, especially when it comes to motherhood.

A lot of young people do march forward and do things without really thinking it through. Although smart, they often don't have the experience and cynicism of older people.

If he's much wealthier, there is a power imbalance there from the get-go. People can be very persuasive, and if you're in love with someone, you're less likely to press on certain things, even if you should. It would not surprise me if a wealthy family like that is going to make her sign a pre-nup, and I'd want to ensure that she is fully aware of what she's signing.

Don't be daft. You only have to see the plethora of women posting on here to know how many end up financially or economically disadvantaged because of some legal aspect between themselves and their partner, especially when it comes to motherhood.

A lot of young people do march forward and do things without really thinking it through. Although smart, they often don't have the experience and cynicism of older people.

If he's much wealthier, there is a power imbalance there from the get-go. People can be very persuasive, and if you're in love with someone, you're less likely to press on certain things, even if you should. It would not surprise me if a wealthy family like that is going to make her sign a pre-nup, and I'd want to ensure that she is fully aware of what she's signing.

Everyone I knew who got engaged before 25yrs ended up having 5yr engagements, many of which broke off.

I wouldn't sweat it - until she's booking a venue. Just pop a bottle of prosseco and congratulate them.

Why can't you do things like this when you are in a couple? You can have experiences together or alone. I've travelled alone without DH. We didn't have children until wed been together for more than ten years.

The mentality that it when you marry is the problem. Not the marrying bit.

23 is a normal age to get married. For a while people left it later and now I’ve noticed more people getting married in their early to mid twenties again. Most of my relatives got married at this age and my closest friends who all got married later, were already with their now husbands at 23. I got married late in my thirties, I would be happy for my daughters to get married a lot younger .

SALaw I don’t think she is an imbecile and I know it’s none of my business as I stated in my OP but I genuinely don’t know if she realises the nitty gritty of the law surrounding marriage. I am not going to raise it now when a couple of glossy wedding magazines have arrived on the sofa.

Erm...this is all about you. Where does what she wants come into it?

Why can’t you do all of those things if you’re married? Marriage doesn’t have to equal a mortgage and immediately having babies.

I’m sure if her dream was to go off and travel the world, she’d either do that with her fiancé/husband or she would not be choosing to get married.

“Having to share everything so young feels like she'd be missing out on living life as an adult just for herself.”

Would you say the same about all young people in relationships at that age? Many people in their early 20s have steady gf/bf - are they also missing out on living life just for themselves?

My DDs are similar age. Neither has had a serious relationship yet, so definitely marriage not on the cards any time soon.
Their cousins were all early 30s getting married which seems to be the norm in our social group.

I emphasise with you. 23 seems very young these days to get tied down.

I have had similar feelings about a family member. Feel like they’re doing it for insta and why the rush? They are already showing signs of strain in the relationship, and using debt to fund their lifestyle. But they are adults, their choice

Yes. Thankfully they didn't. They were a massive part of my life and my husband and son's lives. They have both passed away now, but if they had said I might be marrying a grifter, I would never have spoken to them again.

In that situation where they’re living beyond their means and the relationship is already showing problems then I agree it’s not a good idea.

In the op’s situation it seems to be a good relationship with no flags to worry about.