AIBU to feel shocked my 23-year-old daughter is marrying?

[SlothsRUs]

My 23 year old daughter has just announced that she is getting married next year.

I am completely shocked.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early.

I tried to be joyous and congratulate her but would you be happy?

I want to know why she wants to marry this young.

I know she is an adult and what she does is nothing to do with me but I am really shocked.

I honestly don’t think I’ve changed much at all since my early 20s. Ive obviously had a lot more experiences over the last 45 years since I got married, but I still think the same way about everything I can think of, have the same political views, exactly the same musical taste as when I was 13, and the same taste in food, clothes, my appearance, and I think overall, Im exactly the same person thst my husband married in 1980. I don’t actually think he has changed much either.

Ive only ever seen marriage as a positive thing, if you’re marrying because you love someone and most definitely didn’t get married for any other reason than I loved my husband and wanted to commit myself to him for the rest of my life.

Only your typing was better ( just seen errors lol) but yes it's the same point

Worked for me.

why are you shocked? She is marrying the love of her life. It’s her choice. Their relationship has nothing to do with you. As her mum you just need to be there.

@SlothsRUs

Is her fiancé her age, OP?

Are they buying a property together?

In your twenties you have so many possible roads ahead of you - committing through marriage to someone else narrows these roads down massively. Decisions from then on need to be "we" not "me" and you can bet the ones that are more advantageous to the man will usually be prioritised.
That doesn't mean being any less happy of course, but it is less free

This is true, but it's also the case for the long term cohabitation that OP was suggesting as an alternative. It's just the nature of being in a committed relationship.

I suppose it could be a long engagement? I met my DH at 26, baby at 28 married at 29 (6 years ago) so I don’t think it’s too you really if she plans for a wedding in say 2-3 years?

I got married at 22 and 11 years later am still perfectly happy, what's wrong with getting married early?

I don't know where you are where you can get married for £150 but please do share. The registrar fee alone for our cermony is £700. Weddings are obnoxiously expensive, the industry is a complete rip off.

We wanted a house deposit more, as I clearly explained, and every year that passes by, anything associated with a wedding goes up in cost. Again, as I very clearly explained, it took us a lot longer to save our house deposit while paying rent at the same time. My brother got married seven years ago and did it as cheap as possible but even if I copied every detail of his day, it would still cost me at least five times as much in 2026.

Why have you quoted "big wedding" as though wanting your parents, siblings and close friends to see you get married is something to be ashamed of? The more guests you have, the more it costs. It's not about having a "big wedding" so to speak, it's about wanting to share that joy with your close family and friends.

It's £62 at the registry office!

Even if prices have risen, £700 is still a tiny fraction of what most people expect a wedding to cost - assuming that the massive party and everything else is 'essential'.

And whilst a lot of hospitality and leisure places do indeed ramp the price once they know it's for a wedding, the price at the register office will be standard; the registrar isn't going to increase the standard marriage ceremony fee once they hear it's for a marriage!!

You can still celebrate with friends and family without spending a fortune. Do you spend enjoyable time with F&F on a regular basis; or can you only see them and enjoy their company on the rare occasion when somebody is getting married at the same time?

Wow, I didn't expect so many people to have such strong opinions about a complete stranger's wedding.

What we choose to spend our hard earned wages and savings on is up to us. We scrimped and saved for a house deposit, got settled, and then turned our attention to our wedding. How horrible and superficial and frivolous of us to sensibly save up over time and wait until we could afford to do things the way we want! Fancy that, people making decisions based on what they actually want and not what'll please the masses on Mumsnet!

I won't be replying again. I made a passing comment to share my thoughts on why I personally didn't get married at 23 but am still very much with the person I was with at 23. My comment was to reassure OP who is worried about her daughter's age at the time of her wedding.

It wasn't for people to jump on and make judgements about me and my fiance's life choices and financial decisions, which have absolutely no impact on any of your lives. Have fun making mad assumptions about my familial relationships and speculating about what we, random strangers to you all, have spent on the wedding, though. I'm off shopping for a pony and multiple Hermes bags and a Bentley xoxo

Absolute legal minimum
Notice of marriage (each person): ~£35–£46 each
Statutory ceremony (basic room, 2 witnesses): ~£57–£100
Marriage certificate: ~£11–£12
👉 Total: ~£120–£200 �
Weddings Hub +1

That to ACTUALLY get married. Which gives you the legal status

Anything else is wants.

So people saying they " can't afford" to get married is shite. They may e can't afford dresses, patties etc. But that's more wedding than marriage

It's entirely your choice and nobody has any right at all to tell you otherwise - I'm glad you made the right decisions for you.

It's just that it gets annoying when a lot of people routinely insist that they couldn't possibly afford to get married because they don't have a spare £30-£50K.

It's a bit like the other thread in AIBU now, where the OP isn't wanting to pay the price of private school and seemingly doesn't even realise that there is a perfectly good, normal free alternative. Like saying that car ownership is forever completely beyond your abilities, because have you seen the price of a brand new Lamborghini?!

We got married when I was 23 and DH had just turned 23. I wasn't pregnant (we didn't even decide to try for a baby until about 3½ years later), we had both been to university and he was doing post-grad when we got married, we weren't feckless, in fact when I look back I think we were both a bit old before our time back then. We're more fun now, getting on for 40 years later, and we're still together.

It's unusual nowadays but it doesn't automatically mean the relationship is doomed. She may just have been very lucky in finding the right one early on.

I think she is old enough to decide and it's more about meeting the right person also and for some that can take time but if you feel you've found that person and they've been together a while so not rushed then it's doesn't seem like an issue. I don't think your worry about inheritance or divorce are a good enough reason not to marry the man she is in love with.

In terms of money no matter how old you are you always need to have an understanding about it going in to a marriage and it's always wise to be financially independent and have your own income so if things don't work out you are not stuck. She is educated and hopefully sensible to understand this, you should be able to have a general conversation with her about this with it turning into an argument.

You shouldn't tell her that you think she shouldn't get married as then she may not listen to anything you have to say if she thinks you're against it. The conversation should be more about if she feels she is ready for marriage and just general advice about protecting her financial independence.

I get it, OP. I got married at 28 and wish I never had. Divorce ruined me financially. Wish I'd known then what I know now. I'd be worried too if it were my daughter, but you can't do much about it.

Just reading something about Declan rice, who has 2 children aged 27. Harry Kane, age 31, is married with 4 children.

Celebrities and wealthy people seem to get married in their 20s and have children. It's a sign of wealth and affluence, showing you can afford it and have your shit together.

I've not been online for a while, and this topic caught my eye. I've not read other replies, or it the OP supplied additional detail. It is very unusual in the UK today, or even western Europe.

As other say, it can be just they're mature, found the perfect pair, and great for them if that is the case.

As a mother I would be concerned though. I've seen a case of "trauma-informed coping" in recent history. Something very serious happens and it causes one or both partners to want to move the relationship dramatically forward (very serious life scare, rape survivor, etc). I mention this as I hope the OP can try better understand her daughter's motivation. Sincerely wishing her all the best!

In the case of footballers, not so. Clubs routinely encourage players to marry and have children young, to ‘settle them down’.

Overdramatic much? More likely than trauma is the simple fact that she’s found the right person and after a couple of years they’re convinced that they’re perfect for each other and want to make it officially forever.