AIBU to feel shocked my 23-year-old daughter is marrying?

[SlothsRUs]

My 23 year old daughter has just announced that she is getting married next year.

I am completely shocked.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early.

I tried to be joyous and congratulate her but would you be happy?

I want to know why she wants to marry this young.

I know she is an adult and what she does is nothing to do with me but I am really shocked.

Same and I still am married 20 years on been together 26 , when you know you know.

I was 23 when I got married, I was one of the youngest of my friends but it’s not like it’s 16/18. We’ve been married for 6 years so far.

This really isn’t unreasonable! Been together 2.5 years! No problem.

im 38 and got married at 23. Still together.

Same, definitely great if you can share living expenses with someone from early on!

I do look back and think I was pretty young to be committing for life.... but also never ever regretted it!

I was married at 24. Still happily married 10 years on.

Are you not happy for her?

I have encouraged my daughters to be educated and independent but I have never ever, gone into the nitty gritty of the law around marriage. I think she needs to know this .

If she’s educated and independent she may well know this already, particularly if her fiancé is from a wealthy background.

You can’t assume that you are the only way she could possibly acquire knowledge.

My DD and her BF are getting engaged soon aged 22 - I am thrilled for them they’ve been together 3.5 years and have a wonderful relationship. Be happy for her OP

I think it’s perfectly normal to be shocked, but in the area where I live it seems to be really common - and what’s more, across the financial spectrum.

Differentforgirls

Obviously I don’t advocate saying that now but my obsession with money could be translated as I don’t want my daughters to lose inheritance or become homeless!

Why do you think those are the only two options? 😂

Why would you be ashamed if your 23 year-old wasn’t in a serious relationship? Seems pretty harsh. Not everyone wants to be coupled up. An increasing number of young people (women especially) are choosing to stay single long-term.

I don't know anyone who got married before 30 or had a baby before 30 either.

But it depends, if you left school at 16 and went straight into a job maybe it's more normal.

But if you've done a gap year, gone to university, graduate role at 22 and are now forging ahead in a career, it's would be very unusual.

So I too would feel disappointed in the second scenario.

For a parent in the first scenario, they might actually be happy about her getting married, she may well have more financial stability..

How well do you know her fiancé? Are there any problems you have with him? What don't you like about it?

AlcoholicAntibiotic

Yes but it’s my duty to make sure.

Chronological age is irrelevant. Young people get married, some will be together for decades very happily, some will divorce. People who get married later, some will have decades of happy marriage, some will get divorced.

If the relationship is good they will mature together.

Discussing it as a sort of educational piece when they are younger is fine but that’s not what the OP is proposing. It is none of her business.

I got married at just-turned-20 around 15 years ago. My DH and I then finished our degrees, got good jobs (I’m a senior leader in a global professional services firm, he’s in tech), we have 3 DCs, and we are very happy.

I often feel overwhelming relief that I found my DH when I did and that we were willing to commit to each other. I see so many colleagues struggle to balance work and dating, and not getting married or starting a family until much later than they want. My best friend didn’t get married until 37, desperately wants to start a family, now is on her second failed round of IVF, and it’s heartbreaking.

23 is not a child. If you like the guy your DD has chosen, I think you can be happy for her without reservations.

Why would she lose her money or become homeless?

Dd chap is set to inherit circa 2 million when his Grandparents die (acres of prime land in a fab part of the country), I wonder if he will have a sat down and told to plan ahead?!

Have you met his parents, OP?

This would be a nice moment to invite them for lunch.

Well it’s a saying that’s relevant to very very unlikely things which a successful marriage isn’t?

Dh and I got married when he was 24. Our eldest was born a year and a half later, so at 25. I was 30. 😬 I will admit I would be nervous if either of my dc wanted to marry that early. I think it’s very young. But I can’t really talk! It worked out well for us. Dh and I are still very happy together 18 years later. I knew a great guy when I found one. Lots of friends relationships have come and gone. Some of them now divorcing second husbands! I was sure Dh and I were making the right decision and we were committed to each other and planning a marriage and a life together from 6 months. I recognise perhaps that I am very lucky.

Doesn’t that mean they are already engaged? They’ve agreed to get married?!

Of course it’s not. It’s just being informed. And men should do this too. Imagine all of his money is in trust and all of hers is jointly invested so he keeps all of his and she has to share hers. I don’t know if this is possible but it’s essential to know. I would say the same in reverse.

Also I suggest they get some relationship counselling too. Just a few sessions to see if they're on the same page. It’s very easy to imagine someone who seems caring when you’re dating will get up in the night sometimes with the baby, will share their disposable income even when you’re on maternity leave, will be there if you get ill, will share the housework and mental load but many men don’t think that way.

It’s easy for those with respectful partners to imagine those questions are irrelevant and love is enough but you just have to read MN for a few weeks to know this isn’t true.