AIBU to feel shocked my 23-year-old daughter is marrying?

[SlothsRUs]

My 23 year old daughter has just announced that she is getting married next year.

I am completely shocked.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early.

I tried to be joyous and congratulate her but would you be happy?

I want to know why she wants to marry this young.

I know she is an adult and what she does is nothing to do with me but I am really shocked.

The trend for later marriages and pregnancies is not necessarily a good thing. It is tailored round career issues rather than optimum biological/reproductive considerations.

I do not buy the argument that people change so should not marry. I am retired now and think my life has been characterised by continuous change in every decade. All relationships are about adapting to change in each other. That holds good at whatever age you marry.

I think she is too young to settle down. Thirties is the best age. She is throwing away her youth for domesticity.

Are you worried about his intentions? Will he be marrying into an affluent family, and will your daughter be due a sizeable inheritance? It does happen 🤷‍♀️

A lot of couples who marry in their 20s absolutely live their youth to the max. They travel and work and party, and enjoy their lives before children are born. All whilst enjoying a secure and loving home with their spouse and usually better financial stability.

It is young, and I also think children in five years is also young to have children.

My DD was only just 25 when she got married. No problems here. How old will she be by the time they actually get married? All of my god daughters were married in their 20's - all marriages going well.

I'm kind of surprised you have an opinion if he's a nice guy.

It'll either work or it won't.

It's not really your place to consider inheritance because currently they are both entering the marriage with nothing and building a life.

You've just got to be there for her.

Out of interest, at what point does he qualify in your mind for the inheritance not to be your daughters family money? When they've been together 10 years? When he pays more into the family pot?

My dh put down our entire house deposit and refused to ringfence it despite legal advice and his family supported his decision. We've been together 20 years and both since paid off the house entirely, each making a 50% contribution to the mortgage over that time. That's whilst I've worked part time and raised his kids. So do I "qualify" for half if we split and sold? My point is where is the tipping factor and when will you trust her judgement?

Tbh trying to offer financial advice bow is very much shutting the door after the horse has bolted.

If he was my son he absolutely would have been sat down...

My friends son is going to be 22 when he married next year. Mad but power to em.

It does seem young but a lot depends on the attitudes and maturity of the couple involved.

They haven't just met, so hopefully know each other well.

Maybe they don't want to do all the things that single people are supposed to do before they get married, perhaps they're really happy together and know they want to spend their lives together.

I was just shy of my 29th birthday when I got married to a man I'd known for 9 years - we hadn't lived together.

As soon as we married I realised I'd made a terrible mistake; despite the fact he was 12 years older than me he wasn't ready for marriage and I was deeply unhappy and very lonely.

The marriage endured for 20 years at which point I told him I could no longer live with him and our divorce was finalised two years later.

Nothing is guaranteed. Try to be happy for them OP. Wish them well and let your daughter, who is an adult, live the life she wants to live.

Why is it different NOW?

Going on OP's update, it sounds like her fiance is the one who needs to keep his money safe and well away from her 'when' they divorce!

Or maybe he has considered the circumstances and has freely decided that he loves her, wants to marry her and is perfectly happy for 'what's mine is yours' to apply to their marriage, even though currently, far more of it is his than hers.

Married at 24 is hardly shocking. It’s all about who the future husband is - is he some deadbeat boyfriend or a serious person with a job?

My eldest daughter has had a few boyfriends and is now single after two really disastrous relationships with one of them becoming violent.

I am genuinely happy with my middle daughter’s choice of man, who seems absolutely lovely and is stable financially in his own right but 23 is too young to marry with all the legal ramifications.

I have met his mother in passing and she was lovely. On another occasion I saw his father when he gave them a lift. I went out to invite him in but he just smiled as he drove off. They are very nice to my daughter.

You realise that somebody who married at 20 and has now been married for 20 years would have been born in or around 1986?

By the way you frame it, you'd think they were born living in a black and white world in a cave and hunting for mammoths!!

Everyone has a different timeline with life events. What might be suitable for one person may not be for another at any given time. I think you should explain the legal implications as I think that is part of the guidance of a parent, but ultimately it is her decision and it could work out amazing for her.

Voice in the wilderness....do they love each other?

Yes but the world has changed a lot in 18 years. Young people today are different from back then. Also, every family has a different attitude to the age of marrying. In some families people get married late, in some they marry early.

I got engaged at 21 and married at 23 (would have been 22 if not for COVID), and am now 28, so I'm not talking about the 1950s. It's not a silly age to get married, especially as she will be at least 24 if not getting married for another year.

All you can do is support her..that's your only job.

Sorry if this comes across as confrontational, but can you say why a young married couple enjoying their life, travelling etc, would have better financial stability than a comparable young unmarried couple also enjoying their lives, travelling etc? To me financial stability comes from building a good career, making wise decisions with regard to savings and investments, pensions etc, perhaps buying a property.

All of which young couples can do very well of course, alongside travelling and having fun. I just don't really see where being married comes into it and why the unmarried couple couldn't be just as secure and stable as the married one? Or is it more than you were talking about the benefits of being in a committed relationship, sharing costs, encouraging one another etc? That I agree with but I don't think there are many if any direct financial benefit to marrying (aside from inheritance tax), and you could argue that the expense of a wedding etc is actually an unnecessary cost if thinking purely financially (yes I know doesn't have to cost a lot etc).

Any inherited money only becomes part of the marital pot if she buys something that is used by her spouse. I.e pays off the mortgage on the marital home bought a car he uses etc

If say she inherits £500,000 and uses £250,000 to pay off the mortgage and keeps the other £250,000 in her own personal investment fund then she keeps the £250,000 investments but the unmortgaged house will become part of the marital pot regardless of who paid what towards it.

Personally I don’t think 23 is too young.

I would however warn her that his family might want a prenup.

I would be more insistent that she doesn’t sign anything and to bring any paperwork home for a solicitor to look over and explain

People don’t get that wealthy and keep it by not having legal safeguards in place

We got married at 19 and 18 and we are now 26 and 27 and very happy. Different people have different paths, the only other people I know who got married as young as me were very religious (we’re not). We also both started partying and drinking really young so now we are kind of over it (apart from occasional karaoke tonight and tonight for the football… the town ain’t ready!!)

On the bright side she’s young enough that if this is a bad choice, she can divorce and still have her whole life ahead of her including some years of fertility. Not a nice way to see it but it’s true.

Her frontal lobe won't be completely developed until she is 25. The accusations of drama etc. show a certain immaturity. It may work out well, any marriage is a gamble. Could your MIL put her inheritance in a trust too? speak to a solicitor about protecting her inheritance?

What's your beef if you like her boyfriend? It's not as though you're worried he's controlling or anything. She'll be 24, it may be a bit younger than average these days but what does it matter if she's the first of her peers to settle down? If she has kids too then she and her husband can be free agents by the time they're in their 50s. I was 24 when we got married - 36 years ago. And my 70 year DB and SiL celebrate their golden 50th anniversary this year. All still going strong. (And they got together in early teens) Do you want her to play the field? Do you think they'll get bored? I don't understand the issue.