AIBU to feel shocked my 23-year-old daughter is marrying?

[SlothsRUs]

My 23 year old daughter has just announced that she is getting married next year.

I am completely shocked.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early.

I tried to be joyous and congratulate her but would you be happy?

I want to know why she wants to marry this young.

I know she is an adult and what she does is nothing to do with me but I am really shocked.

My 25 year old DD is getting married in a couple of weeks. He is 28, has his own house and a good job, and they have been together 2 and a half years. I am delighted for them and he has been very good for her (she was barely talking to us at one point but through his influence she has reconciled with us).
They have talked through their plans for the future and are on the same page in terms of children, careers etc so I have no concerns.

I know lots of young people who have got married in their teens and early 20s. Friends have 2 DDs getting married this year at 20 and 22. Another couple I know have a 22 year old DD and a 24 year old DS who are both getting married this summer. I know a couple who got married a couple of years ago at 19. DD's best friend from school is getting married later this year at 25 and another friend is getting married next year at 25.

Well, my mum married at 26 and my aunt at 23, in the 70s. When my cousin said she was marrying at 27 some years ago my mum was horrified. I was a little bemused. As between 27 and 30 I think is an ideal age for marriage.
To me, 23 is a little early, but if she has found the right bloke and she knows her mind and is financially sound...I would be surprised if my dd said this at that age, but it´s her decision, and if the guy is right, well, not much you can say. Oh, I was 36 when I married, not by design but because I was 34 when I met a guy who wasn´t a twat.

I was married at 25, has our first baby at 26. We have been happily married for 15 years. It was quite common back when we got married for lots of couples in their mid 20s to get married.

I agree- I've seen this trend as well with several of DS friends getting married within 2 or 3 years from graduation.

In a way I can see the logic- the pool of sought after men and women declines over time as the best ones get snapped up. Far better this than desperately grabbing any available man with a pulse and a high enough sperm count when you hit 35.

Also a friend's daughter who has had a series of back to back 6 month to 2 year relationships has never spent time on her own figuring out what exactly she wants from a man , other than the best bits of Boyfriend 1, 2,3, 4, 5 and none of the bad bits etc all in one person which means she is looking for a man that either doesn't exist or is already married.

I guess the thing is, and I'm fully prepared to accept I'm the outlier here, I just never have understood or personally felt the desire to be married specifically. To be in a committed long term relationship, sure. To settle down to a stable job, home, lifestyle, sure. To have kids, sure. Even to throw a big fancy party (which isn't allowable on MN as a reason to get married), sure. And people of course feel these feelings on their own timescales, you can feel all that at 18 or still be gripped with wanderlust and a desire to get drunk and go clubbing/one night stands every night at 60.

But the specific desire to be married, as a legal and social construct, that is the part I personally don't understand as I've never felt it and don't see the logic of it. For me the drawbacks have always massively outweighed the benefits, and I think for most young people that is logically the same. And although I wouldn't ever call a young woman 'bonkers' for wanting to be married young, in fact even if it was my own DD and I secretly didn't think it was a good idea, I'd be publicly happy for her and encourage her in her own choice, I do see there's a definite social expectation/positive association with marriage and conversely a persistent idea that you can't or shouldn't or won't have the same stability and commitment outside marriage. But in my own mind it's not something I'd uncritically welcome or accept either. If that makes sense.

I would hazard an educated guess that his family are very well off. I don’t know on what basis that money is held- a trust or not?

Having written this it has just occurred to me this is why they can make this decision earlier than most but even so I wish they would live together for a few more years.

This is a terrible idea.

Failing to see why you are so shocked

Ah well, they don’t want to?

Luckily, no one is forcing you to get married. OP’s daughter wants to get married. She’s not you. Hope that helps.

To be honest I believe you're over thinking it.

Is marrying really much of a commitment over and above living together - do they do that?

I think this is really relevant. Of course there will be many success stories but people having concerns doesn’t negate your happiness. It’s just some of us know from bitter experience that maturity can bring better decision making.

I just don’t get the rush. My son is very happy with his girlfriend and they’ve bought a house together and have built a life. But I think they’re being sensible not embarking on marriage and children quite yet at 25.

@SALaw
Why is it a terrible idea for my daughter to be crystal clear about the legal contract she is entering?

so why are you worried about her inheritance in that case?

More like 2 out of 3 rather than 1 in a million though, right?

It's on the young side for nowadays but as @bridgetreilly points out, the current trend for 20-something's to be highly dependent on their parents is even more worrying. She's also got the common sense not to rush into having a baby - I know a 25-year-old who's had a baby with her bf and although they both work, they're dependent on their families for housing, help with bills, etc., that situation is more worrying IMO.

Another thing to remember is that some people are happier as part of team, i.e. a solid relationship gives them the foundation from which they achieve more. My BIL is like this, they married at 24 and together, they've lived and worked in many places and had some exciting adventures. But I don't think that they'd have done all this alone tbh.

So don't panic. Just talk to her about some practicalities (legalities) so that she's aware. I've spoken to my DD (21) about the legal side of marriage (she has no plans yet) but it's just good to be aware of what it means legally.

You're obsessed more with money than your daughter's happiness.

I think it's a good idea for everyone to meet with a lawyer - sounds like they both potentially will have money coming to them and they need to understand what the impact of marriage is in this situation.

My husband and I have been together since we were 19. Moved in together at 22 and got engaged at 24. Been together 26 years now. It's not terribly young, but definitely worth a chat to make sure they both understand - actually only for your daughter, am sure any independently wealthy family already has a lawyer and a plan for such things.

Some of these replies are really disingenuous - in most circles 23 would be very young to be getting married these days. So I’m not surprised you’re a bit taken aback. Hopefully they’ve both got their heads screwed on and know what they want from life.

FFS, calm down. It’s not as if she’s 16. Yeah, it might be a bit earlier than average, but it’s her choice and if she’s happy, then it’s nothing to do with you.

Will she get divorced? Maybe, but the same can be said for someone in their 40s getting married for the first time - there are no guarantees in life.

Why are you shocked? Has she known her partner for less than a month? Otherwise you’re being mental and weird.

It’s none of you or your husband’s business? She sounds like a highly intelligent girl so it’s unclear why you think she’s some silly little child?

@SALaw Why is it a terrible idea? As I've mentioned, I've discussed the legal ramifications of marriage with my DD (21) and she has no intention of getting married yet. I'll do the same with DS (17) at some point. Better to be aware than ignorant.

Surely parents talk to their young adult children about all sorts of life skills - from how to pay bills, manage credit cards, understand a tenancy contract, etc., etc.?
I think it's part of parenting tbh.

Imagine it. All chuffed and happy. "Mum, we're getting married!". Mum "but what if you get divorced - think of the money!".

I will never understand some people on here and their complete obsession with money.

What a mental answer to the op's question!

Is it marrying under an arbitrary age you object to? Or contributing to your children's weddings in general?

@ MyMilchick say this guy (who is lovely by the way) had family money tied up in trusts etc. I am naive about such things but if they were to divorce would she be disadvantaged?

If she used her inheritance to buy a house with him, could she lose out if they were to divorce.

I have encouraged my daughters to be educated and independent but I have never ever, gone into the nitty gritty of the law around marriage. I think she needs to know this .

Obviously I am not going to do that now in the throes of joy and anticipation for the future.