AIBU to feel shocked my 23-year-old daughter is marrying?

[SlothsRUs]

My 23 year old daughter has just announced that she is getting married next year.

I am completely shocked.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early.

I tried to be joyous and congratulate her but would you be happy?

I want to know why she wants to marry this young.

I know she is an adult and what she does is nothing to do with me but I am really shocked.

I would be happy as long as he's a good person and treats her well. I don't see what's wrong with getting married at that age?

“And for every relationship that forms at that young age that does stand the test of time and becomes a happy long term thing there's the one that fails”

and the same is true for relationships formed in late 20s/early 30s and beyond!

The Parliamentary statistics on marriage ages in the UK are 37 for men and 35 for women. So it is young statistically to be marrying at 23.

As an aside, I have always been surprised at how the US seem to have a culture of younger people getting married, and put it down to a more socially conservative/religious culture. However, even their median marriage age is on the increase.

OP, I am guessing you may be worried that your DD might decide she settled down too quickly and with the wrong person? I can understand this. Although I didn't marry my university boyfriend, we were together for 13 years and living together for most of that time. He was completely wrong for me and I outgrew him in a number of ways, breaking up with him in my early 30s. Luckily, I never got financially entangled with him or had children. If I had have, it would have been a mess when we split up. I did allow the relationship to hold me back in other ways, though, most notably in my career and my house that he was jealous of, and I regret that I allowed him to do this immensely.

OP YANBU to be shocked but being shcoked doesn't mean you can't be happy about it once you've got over the initial shock.

It isn't the norm to be married at 23 now which is why you are shocked. As your daughter is still in education I can see why it has come as more of a shock than say if she had been working since 18.

My parents were married in the early 70s and my Mum was 18 and that was normal then. By the time I got married for the 1st time in the late 90s I was 27 which was about normal for my group of friends (i went to uni).

My son is 25 and his girlfriend 27. They have been together the same time as your daughter and her fiance. If my son announced they were getting married I think I would be a bit shocked initially but then I think I would be really excited too.

You've said you like her fiance and as long as they are ok financially I think you will be able to feel happy once the shock wears off. They are obviously planning to wait to try for a baby until her PhD is out of the way so they both sound sensible.

It is young and I wouldn't be thrilled if it was my dc.
But as there is nothing that you can do I would just try and focus on the positives.

I hope very much you have not let slip any of your shock or reservations!
Surround her with love and congratulations.

That’s not for first time marriage, the average age a woman will get married for the first time is 31. So older than 23 but not exactly wildly so.

I can understand shocked, it is a surprise at that age and, although 2.5 years together that's a decent time, I wouldn't have been expecting at that age.

But you're also unhappy about it. That seems less reasonable. Why? What are you worried about?

Is she happy? , do you like her fiancé? That's all that matters. What are your concerns? Are you worried she will sacrifice her career? That won't happen necessarily.
It may be unusual these days but it's not like she is 16 . I don't think 24 is unreasonably young.

Used to be common to get engaged after finishing uni, and marrying within a year or so. Also, they have been together for two years, so it’s not a whirlwind romance.

I got married at 29. We got engaged after dating for four months, married a year later. I knew him socially before we started dating. 36th wedding anniversary coming up. At the time no one seemed to think we were rushing into anything.

I got engaged at 21 and married at 24. Still genuinely happily married now at 32. DH and I have been together since we were 18 and 21 and have three kids together. Others may have thought us young at the time but we already had a DD and a house together.

I think it's young, you change so much as a person in your 20's. Saying that I got together with my now DH when we were 23, we married when I was 30. We weren't ready to settle down before that, he was in the Army which played a part but also we wanted to have fun with our friends and go on nice holidays etc before the real adult life began 😂I still lived at home for most of that and I will always appreciate my lovely mum for encouraging me to go out and live life to the full, probably as she hadn't had the chance and had terminal cancer so she could see life is short and for living!

I wouldn't want my DC to settle down at that age, there is so much time for that!

Fair enough it wouldn't have been the right decision for you, but people are different.

Do you think we should suspend adulthood for another 7 years for everybody - or maybe even longer, as by 25, your brain has 'only just' finished developing?

25 before you can drive, vote, move out from your parents' home, have sex, marry, have a child, drink alcohol, start working, make any financial decisions beyond which can of pop and chocolate bar to buy from the corner shop.......

On a worldwide level, half of the population is under 25. Obviously nobody should be forced into making decisions like marriage until they feel ready to freely choose to; but we can't infantilise adults forever. Apart from anything else, now the writing is clearly on the wall for the state pension, people will simply not have those years to waste by extending their carefree childhood instead of getting on with their adult lives and getting started with providing for themselves.

I think it is too young and not the norm these days. I don't think I know anybody who got married before 25 in recent years.

Do you not think your Dd is mature do you think she is a teenager ?

I don’t think it’s her age per se but more where she is in life.

From your post she’s been in education and hasn’t yet launched
into her career and has also been with him during that time. It will be a time of growth for her and she will be tied somewhat to him and his business but there’s nothing you can do and say @SlothsRUsbut just support her in her choices.
If he’s the right person for her he will support her in her career and life choices but she hasn’t had huge opportunities so far to enjoy life with presumably limited finances!

I got married at 22. (In 2013) Not a big fancy wedding either (nothing wrong with that if thats what you want!) and we are still married ☺️. Me and DH had been together since we were 17. He always said he was going to marry me and I would laugh and say yeah, yeah
We had our first DC at 18 and EVERYONE said "I give them a year". When you know, you know.

@NoctuaAthene I get your point, but she’s getting married at 24, not 18!

18-25 is seven years to party, travel, sleep around. When I got married at 25 I’d done a masters degree, done a year abroad, plenty of travelling, partying, lived with friends. It’s not like you’re sacrificing your crazy, explorative 20s by getting married at 25. For many people, 6-7 years of experimenting is enough!

Not to mention the obvious fact that you
can still go travelling, move countries, experience new things, and build a career while married. In fact, much easier to do
those things with two incomes.

To say you “just can't see why, outside of religious reasons” a woman would marry at 24 or 25 is kind of bonkers. Because she has met someone she loves and wants to be married? Because she’s spent the last seven years partying, travelling, accumulating degrees and launching her career, and she feels ready? It’s fairly straightforward.

I think relationships regardless of age hit a time point where it’s sink or swim. Be that married or just partnered up.

In my circle only two people have divorced and one of those is a multiple offender so we don’t normally count her and that’s all people in their 30’s. Both however due to cheating in the marriage.

So not weddings back in the 70’s or 80’s either.

If I look up a generation or two to aunties and their friends well it’s like playing roulette on who’s still married and what number marriage they are on, still making those same mistakes in the person they are picking.

I agree. It is too young these days. In saying that, it doesn't mean that it won't work or they won't be a great team. Young doesn't mean doomed. Also, there is nothing you can do so please support, smile, enjoy, and if it fails... be there.

I think particularly for women, when careers clash (and they will), it is they who end up compromising - I've seen it happen more times than I can count. I did it too. I made very gendered choices, because it was the thing to do. I adapted and kept my career going, but we have so many posts here from women who didn't do that, and even if with marriage they end up with 50-50 financially, it is really difficult with children in the mix to get back on the career track. Ofcourse, if this is the 'right person' and everything goes swimmingly then all of this is moot.

I would say if she is on track to a PhD, and an academic career, which tends not to pay as well, even if prestigious/challenging, the chances that she will be obliged for financial reasons to compromise on her aspirations to further his career (earning potential) are higher. Anyway, we shall see where we are in a decade! Good luck to her and you.

You say "he has an independent income but I obviously don’t know the ins and outs", OP.

Are you worried that he may be involved in something criminal?

I married a couple of days after my 21st. My sister married at 19.

You're DD is an adult!

It’s no good people talking about the past! Everyone knows that most people used to marry by mid twenties and were ‘on the shelf’ past 30! This is now though and is much less common.

You didn’t mention the partner at OP? When did they get engaged? Do they live together? If they’re both level headed and independent then they could be at the start of a very happy future together. What is it you’re worried about specifically? Missing out on relationship experience, travel etc? Unless they have kids early too then they can still travel and go out without friends etc.
past 30