AIBU to feel shocked my 23-year-old daughter is marrying?

[SlothsRUs]

My 23 year old daughter has just announced that she is getting married next year.

I am completely shocked.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early.

I tried to be joyous and congratulate her but would you be happy?

I want to know why she wants to marry this young.

I know she is an adult and what she does is nothing to do with me but I am really shocked.

I don’t disagree, and I’m certainly not encouraging failure to launch with my own late teen/young adult DCs. Both have paid rent as soon as they’ve completed education, as well as taking responsibility for their phone contracts and cars.

Equally, I don’t think we need to go back to throwing them out at 18 and expecting them to fend for themselves (not least because there aren’t enough jobs or affordable homes for them).

I don’t want to give you the vapours, but I was 19 when I got married

Each to their own, but if it were my daughter I would worry that she hadn't had time to discover who she is as a person before becoming part of a unit. I met my ex at 21, and I was in no way ready to make a choice for the rest of my life. I did, and it was the wrong choice. It took me decades to correct that choice. It doesn't all have to end up like this, but autonomy, personhood, friends of one's own, a career (thar is not compromised too soon because of relationship/kids) and personal fulfillment, in my view, are important, especially for women. But, each to their own.

Only half of 24 year olds have left home, and the average age to leave your parents home in the uk is now 24 - 28

And because of that, their parents' generation is now infantilising them.

It's all really depressing.

I think people change an awful lot from their early twenties to their late twenties, so it does feel a bit premature.

To add- although I would be shocked if this was my DC, I have been with my DH since I was 20, I was 26 when we married. I think there’s nothing wrong with being together a good while before getting married.

It's young these days but if they are a great team, committed, mature, 'the marrying type' - i.e this is right for them, not years of independent living before they settle, then great!

The most important thing is that you see him as stable, mature, loving, a team member, and that it is an equal, healthy relationship. That they have shared goals and values and a shared vision for building their life together.

The most successful long marriage in my family is between a couple who met at school, maintained their relationship through different Unis, and married at 24.

It's also, IMO, a better thing for society if 23 year olds are marrying and starting their adult lives, rather than living with parents and spending their time on tiktok and buying dumpling squishies.

Young people have been acting like they will live forever and still living like teens in their early 30s. Sadly it's unlikely they will live that much longer than the generation before (and certainly not in good health), so they basically exchange 10 years of living as an adult with 10 years of still living like a dependent child, while still going throught the menopause at the same age, their parent dying at the same age, still wanting to retire at the same age....

I'm really surprised by the responses here too. 23 is highly unusual to get married these days.

Many people are saying they married that age and are still together 40/50 years later, well societal norms were different in the 70s and 80s. Many women still stayed at home back then. You could buy a house for very little.

These days more women go to uni than men, and we are more career focussed, plus it's harder to get on the property ladder than it was in the 70s and 80s. Also people these days are much more likely to have children in their 30s and 40s when they are more settled in their career and financially stable. People mature at a slower speed.

Most people in my social circle got married in their 30s having been together for 10 plus years and lived together first, also for 10 years plus.

That's not to say there is anything wrong with getting married so young, provided the fiance is suitable and they have been together several years/lived together/know what they are getting into with each other. But being shocked isn't the same as not being happy for them. It's also natural to have thoughts about thinking through if it's the right thing or not. It's a very big decision with huge consequences, not something to do on a whim.

Back in the 70s a much older work colleague told me that if you didnt have a ring on your finger and be pushing a pram at 25, you were considered an "old maid"
Around the same time my mum, talking about a new friend she had made, said that the friend had married and started a family late.....at 32!!
23 does seem young by today's standards but it still happens.
If they are happy and in love its really nobody else's business

Also for the doom and gloom.

Young enough that if it fails in 5 years time to get ready to join the older marriages after finding someone new.

It’s not like she only gets one shot if it does turn out to be a bad choice.

I accept previous generations married young and I also accept in my circle there are many examples of ‘failure to launch’ but surely there is a happy medium. I think she is too young.

She has submitted her Masters’ dissertation and will do a PhD. He has an independent income but I obviously don’t know the ins and outs as it’s not my business.
@NotMeAtAll yes there is some comfort that she will have choices that previous generations didn’t have.

She has always wanted children but isn’t going to even try for five years so that is not a motivation.

I have not expressed unhappiness to her.

My DS attended a school friends wedding at the weekend They are 23 The couple have been together for nearly 6 years

Also do you consider it different than living together unmarried? If so what about the people where simply living together isn't an option, should they just stay dating for 10 years until they hit 30 or whatever?

So presumably she’ll be 24/ almost 24 when she gets married and having been with this man over 3 years? I find it weird that you find it weird?!

At what age do you feel marriage is appropriate?!

What’s the issue? You were happy for her to be with the bloke for 2.5 years but now she wants to marry him she shouldn’t want to? Why? Why is it different now? I was married at 22, we travelled extensively, went out separately and have enjoyed our life together so far. What would you suggest I did differently?

I got married at 22. Just happened to meet the right person at the age of 20. Over 25 years later still very happily married.

Unless you have concerns about the person she’s marrying and whether he’s right for her, Yabu.

ETA sorry to accidentally quote the op - hate it when others do that.

My son is a parent figure to a 8 year old and has a baby due. He is twenty. They are marrying next year… just roll with it OP and embrace the good!

seems like it doesn't take much to shock the OP

Also agree. But there's a reason they go off to uni at 18. Also that they can be off with the military at 17. Because overall, that sort of age is the beginning of adulthood.

But currently, under 30 is almost regarded as part of childhood now.

Humans are biologically designed to reproduce between 18ish (which I agree is too young) and about 35. It's our fertile window. So it makes sense that our mate selection phase is late teens to early 20s.

Marriage is a gamble whatever age. If she’s marrying at her age she must be pretty sure. Be happy for her.

I’d be shocked too. It’s really not that usual these days to get married that young. I’d be worried that she’s settling down before she’s had change to experience the world and what it has to offer.
I guess the important thing is that she’s happy and is going into it with her eyes open.

DH and I are early 40s - got together at 21/22, living together in our own flat at 23/24, engaged at 24/25, married at 25/26, DC1 at 28, DC2 at 30.

We are on the young side of parents in the DCs classes, but not by miles, and we are VERY grateful not to be like a lot of our friends who are just marrying having babies now (and sometimes struggling).

Am I the only one who thinks 23 is fucking nuts? If I’d executed every bright idea I’d had at 23 I’d be in a right mess.

Her brain is still developing, what’s she rushing for? Is she pregnant? Is he controlling and wants to lock her down?

While 23 is young it’s not abnormally so, she’s not a teenager.

My mum was 34 when she got married and started a family…..in the late 50s!