AIBU to feel shocked my 23-year-old daughter is marrying?

[SlothsRUs]

My 23 year old daughter has just announced that she is getting married next year.

I am completely shocked.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early.

I tried to be joyous and congratulate her but would you be happy?

I want to know why she wants to marry this young.

I know she is an adult and what she does is nothing to do with me but I am really shocked.

I think it's fine. You say he's a nice guy and they've been together a couple of years. I'd just be happy for her.

I'm a married 22 year old with a toddler and a baby and I'm very happy.

Can we stop infantilising grown-ups please, especially women.

It's unusual but not a disaster. It was unusual when my friends got married at about that age in the 2000s, but they are still together and coming up for their silver wedding, while other friends who got married later in life are now separated.

With the right person you certainly don’t give up autonomy, personhood, friends, a career or personal fulfilment.

I don’t know why people are pretending it’s usual because these days it isn’t.

That said there’s nothing wrong with it and they’ve been together quite a while as adults so I don’t see an issue.

I agree with the OP! Shockingly young in my opinion for this day and age. I would be upset.

@fireandlightening Yes more articulate than me. I think this is what I feel but they do seem to have their own friends. She went to Lisbon last month without him.

Well let’s see where we will be in a decade.

I did it ten years ago, not 20/30/40 years ago.

It’s the “half of 24 years living at home” statistic that’s shocking, problematic and frankly embarrassing (for them and their parents). Failure to launch shouldn’t be celebrated.

Loads of my friends are still with the people they were with at 20-24 actually, and very happy. It’s not that rare.

As a PP said, it probably is a reaction to seeing the generation above marry late, meet the wrong person, struggle with fertility in their late 30s/eary 40s, caring for parents at the same time etc. The younger generation sees that and thinks “no thanks”.

My mother and sister both married first serious boyfriends at 23. Both remained married, had three children and successful careers. They really wanted to get married so they could get on with their lives. It worked for them.

I’d probably be like huh? But honestly just roll with it. Dont question it. Divorce is a thing so if it’s a mistake then she’s not trapped forever. If it’s not a mistake (or even if it is) she will not be happy with you being a Debbie downer, just be happy for her and let her get on with it.

For what it’s worth, I was 27 when we booked our wedding but my DW was 24, we were 25 and 28 when we got married. My wife now calls herself a child bride but we’ve been married 10 years this year

It does seem quite young to me. I know of 2 friends' children who have recently married in their very early 20s which surprised me too.

I think I'd be a bit apprehensive but how I felt would also depend upon;

• Is her fiance a decent person? You say he is.
• Are they financially stable? Are they both earning and have their own home?
• Have they already lived together for a while so they have experienced how well they get on when together for long periods of time?

If they're not financially stable and do have their own home yet then I wouldn't be overjoyed with a marriage this soon.

Many couples I know (me included) grew apart from the partners they had in their early 20’s and had split up by 30, despite having lived together for many years. You do a lot of growing and changing in your 20s.

Are they a similar age? There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you value, and working to achieve it. She will be well qualified, have known him a reasonable length of time, and will be having DC around the age of 30. Sounds really healthy to me.

I don't know about your DD's case, OP; but on a generational level, I wonder if we might now be seeing a few changes as a result of successive governments' earnest desires to discourage young people from going into higher education.

Previously, when university (without a lifetime of debt to follow) was an achievable thing for those who wanted to and for whom it was appropriate, that would effectively 'pause' people's independent adult lives, so that they were a minimum of 21 or 22 before they started making any kind of plans to strike out themselves. If university is now financially off the cards for many who would previously have gone, that dials their own personal 'proper adult clock' back by 3 or 4 years - so marriage at 27 could well be naturally brought forward to marriage at 23.

Also, with the insane rise in house prices (and rents, for that matter) and the huge challenges in getting on to the bottom rung of the ladder, it makes good sense that two people who want to commit to each other would choose to get that 'officially' in place, with their relationship much more protected, as they pool their resources in aiming towards a home together.

I was married a few months after I turned 25, still married 20+years later.

I got married at 22 and am still happily married 19 years later. I'm sure you wouldn't be shocked if they were living together etc, well marriages are easily ended these days, it doesn't tie her down and 2.5 years is a good test of a relationship.

I guess if she met him yesterday then it'd be a concern if she was marrying him tomorrow.

It's true I guess now couples often marry later or choose not to marry. But that doesn't make her decision wrong.

Are you usually close? Do you know/like the fiance?

I would be disappointed too.

Every thread like this goes like this - MN is so pro marriage in general that people seem not to be able to understand any alternative point of view. Meanwhile for my kids, and most of their friends, your early to mid 20s are a real time of transition and personal growth, at that age most people are still exploring their careers, where they want to live, do they want to travel or try living abroad, who they are as a person and what they want from life and a relationship, yes even (gasp! Clutch pearls!) enjoying the sexual and romantic freedom of being a young adult. And for every relationship that forms at that young age that does stand the test of time and becomes a happy long term thing there's the one that fails, not necessarily for dramatic reasons like abuse or cheating, just that people change, what they want in a partner evolves, or they just aren't as compatible as they thought at the start...

To me I just can't see why, outside of religious reasons, even if you are in a long term/commited relationship at that age, why you'd want to tie yourself down to such an extent and make it so much harder to exit that relationship if things take a different direction, what if one half of the couple decides for instance they want to settle down to a corporate job, a semi detached and two point four kids in their hometown and the other really wants to live in a hippy commune in Ecuador or Tanzania and practice goat yoga, or live an international life of mystery as a secret agent or whatever other wild ambition they have and that they should absolutely be allowed and encouraged to pursue? They may not even know at that age what it is that they really want without trying things out first. If they're not married and something like that happens yes it's difficult and heartbreaking, but essentially they have to go their separate ways, and all they have to do is split their possessions (which probably aren't that many at that age) and leave. Whereas if married not only is there all the social shame and stigma of being divorced while still so young, they've wasted precious money on the wedding itself and they have all the messiness and expense and legal hassle of getting the divorce. Why would you be happy about your child risking it for little to no benefit compared to just waiting a few years and seeing how the relationship plays out?

Maybe it's that increasingly in the modern world I just don't really believe in the institution of marriage at all, and certainly I don't see it as the big romantic dream it's sold as to young women in particular. Yes it has it's place if the woman is going to sacrifice herself financially and practically to raising children and looking after the house and man, but I really wouldn't recommend a young woman do that in the first place if they can avoid sure - sure have kids young if you really want them and it works for you but keep your financial independence is what I'd recommend, then you don't need a man or a marriage certificate anyway.

I'm suprised at this. What are you disappointed by?

I would be so disappointed and ashamed if my 23 year old was living with me without a job or serious relationship and acting like a teenager, I would think I had really failed as a parent

Maybe that early marriage suits her personality- you know her. but the 20s in the early 30s should be full of fun and no strings but her study style is kind of closed in and perhaps the marriage is part of that way of looking at life

I married at 39. Divorced a couple of years later so nothing to do with age. I think it also depends on lifestyle. Those who are independent and working etc from 18 are a different kettle of fish to those still living with mummy at 24. The first group have likely changed more before 23 than the second grouo

And you don’t think half of 24yo’s still live at home because it’s becoming financially prohibitive to move out and live as a single person? I don’t that’s a failure of the individual or the parents, is it?

While many also don’t.

I’ve been with my husband since I was 18. Together 2 decades, happily. Many couples we know got together in uni, so younger than 23, and are still together. The only couple I know who divorced were together for under 2 years and married in their early 30s.

2 and a half years is a decent time to know someone before getting engaged. Especially when the relationship started when they were adults (not like two 16 year olds getting together and proposing at 18). I would be far more worried about a 33 year old marrying/getting engaged to someone she had known for 2 months that a 23 year old marrying someone shes known for 2 years.

At the 2 1/2 year point it's likely you either know or you don't. They are young but if they waited years longer before even getting engaged (or moving to the next stage of commitment) it would probably be a sign the relationship wasn't that serious for one or both. In which case why waste your life?