AIBU to feel shocked my 23-year-old daughter is marrying?

[SlothsRUs]

My 23 year old daughter has just announced that she is getting married next year.

I am completely shocked.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early.

I tried to be joyous and congratulate her but would you be happy?

I want to know why she wants to marry this young.

I know she is an adult and what she does is nothing to do with me but I am really shocked.

Why would you not be able to have a career and support yourself simply because you married at 24?

It's an odd conclusion to draw, isn't it? I'm fairly sure married women are allowed to keep working these days.

It’s a completely bizarre idea.

And why do you think they wldnt walk away from shitty men?
I think its the exact opposite.
Having reared 3 girls, and seeing them and all their friends, i guarantee you they do not take any shit whatsoever and can spot and deal with a red flag at 50 paces.
They do not suffer fools for one moment.
Much much better than previous generations cos they can and do tell them to f off and noy worry.

They might find working hard if they have children .

According to you, but you aren’t them

Getting married does not automatically equal having children.

By the same token, many people have children without being married.

It’s having children that makes a working more difficult, not getting married.

The cynicism about marriage on this thread is awful.

I got married at 21 and had a baby at 23 and 26. Im now 45.

Because they can still be a loving couple and live their lives together for a few years without getting married and, then, if their feeling or circumstances change and they split up it won’t be anywhere near so traumatic. Obviously.

Compl agree with you Op. 23 is so young to commit to someone. People change as they grow and who they are and what they want at 23 changes. Sure, it works out for a lot of people, I’m with the same person I was with at 23 and that’s 20 years later, but I don’t think this is a reason to marry so young. No harm in waiting.

Ok. My son has met his (now) fiancee at school. They were 15. They bought a home together age 23. They got engaged this year aged 30. They get married next year.

They fell out when they were 17 and the trauma! You have no idea.

If they split up after they get married next year, there will be the exact same trauma.

I don't know why you think that people who split up only find it traumatic if they're married.

It's a weird take.

Doesn't follow. As the relationship is serious, they may well purchase property and/or have DC during that period, married or otherwise, and those are almost always the things that cause problems during divorces.

There might be some theoretical argument for not being tied down. But a serious relationship where you cohabit instead of getting married doesn't achieve that.

Nope.
Utter BS.

I got married at 25, we had been together 7 years. We would have married sooner but didn’t have the money.

I am guessing your relationship isn’t great if you can’t have a conversation about finances and are surprised they are getting married. These are all things we talk about as a family and discuss how life is going.

Just editing to say I am 40 so not like I’m old. I have friends and family who have also been with their wives/husband since a similar age and still together now.

Oh dear.
How wrong can you be.

You may as well be happy for her as if the marriage lasts, you won’t want to look back and remember that you were negative in any way and spoil what may be happy events leading up to it, like if she wants you to help her look for a dress etc. It doesn’t seem that young, and that’s brilliant that you like her fiancé, half the battle really, he could have been a right twat and then you would have a reason to worry.

Assuming that your dds have some kind of magic detector for men who aren't right for them is quite insulting to the women who have ended up with unpleasant or abusive men - sometimes there are red flags galore, but sometimes there just aren't.

Not BS at all. It's been established that the prefrontal cortex doesn't stop developing until the mid 20s.

Not necessarily true. My marriage breakup was far less traumatic than the breakup from other relationships id had

But what if they are travelling and one of them gets into an accident or legal trouble (better rights and communication if married)?
What if one of them gets seriously ill or dies (next of kin status)?
What if one of them gets offered a swanky job or study opportunity abroad and the other one wants to join (much easier on a spousal visa)?

There's more to marriage than having babies and giving up on your career!

They stopped the study at 23, so it could be 103 before it stops developing, all we know is that it is developing until at least then. People continue to develop, change, grow, and learn for hopefully the rest of their lives, that doesn't mean they shouldn't get married.

"The" study? I'm sure there has been more than one!

But anyway, I was responding to the person who said that this:

"People change as they grow and who they are and what they want at 23 changes"

was BS, when it obviously isn't.

The study by Dr. Jay Giedd that the myth came from (although I misremembered and it's 25 not 23).

You said "It's been established that the prefrontal cortex doesn't stop developing until the mid 20s" which is not true, we only know that it's until at least the mid 20s.

25 is certainly the age you hear quoted most often, and of course that's an oversimplification, but I don't think anyone disagrees that the brain keeps developing well into ones 20s.