AIBU to feel shocked my 23-year-old daughter is marrying?

[SlothsRUs]

My 23 year old daughter has just announced that she is getting married next year.

I am completely shocked.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early.

I tried to be joyous and congratulate her but would you be happy?

I want to know why she wants to marry this young.

I know she is an adult and what she does is nothing to do with me but I am really shocked.

Yes thanks hon (🤮). I’m not picking holes in all arguments but to imply education opportunities were limited in the early-mid 2000s is pretty ridiculous. It wasn’t the 1950s! Also the population has increased by 9m in that time period so it follows that the amount of people going to university would have increased by a few hundred thousand.

I’m absolutely happy with my choices and accept that we all make different ones. I do however object to people who state it’s categorically too young to marry at 23 and who act like 20-25 years ago was a different era entirely.

I think saying there are "more education opportunities" suggests we only got married young because we had nothing better to do. I met my husband at uni as we were in the same college. I know 2 married couples who met on graduate schemes in banking!

It doesn’t suggest that at all. What it does suggest is that people started earning a an earlier age and were in a better financial place by their early 20s.

Heavens above - do NOT do that!

It is none of your business and she will tell you so if she has got half a brain! You risk destroying your relationshyip.

When I got married my OH was about to embark on another 5 years of education and I was about to start my post-grad.

Neither education nor fun vanished from our lives the day we tied the knot. We just embarked on a shared endeavour, supporting each other through good times and bad.

How old is he? Perhaps if he is a little older it is easier to understand? I married at 23 but my DH is 6 years older and was ready for it.

I mean 25 years ago was the starts of the 00s not the 1900s , people are mad to think that it was a "different time" .

The people I went to school with and married young are all on their second marriages now- gives her chance for another go if it doesn’t work out!!

I wouldn’t want mine marrying that young, of course I would support but don’t think it’s necessary.

Friends have got children in their 20s, a gap and then children below 10. I would hate that- but that’s personal preference I suppose

Everyone I know who married in their early twenties is now divorced. It’s an admittedly small sample of four people, but that’s because all my other friends realised that marrying so young was an unnecessary risk. Why can’t they wait?

"Why cant they wait"

I assume because they dont want to.

Why wait?

So they could wait, but they won’t.

That wasn't the context of the remark though. It was that it's unusual to get married young now because "generational change" means there are more educational opportunities now. It suggests you do one or the other. Others have also interpreted it that way.

You can be done with uni by age 21!

Because there’s no need to get married so young.

There’s no need for lots of things. We tend to do them because we want to.

Yes absolutely and they are free to do what they want but if it was my 23 year old I would advise them to wait.

She is waiting until next year. It sounds a sensible timeframe to get engaged now and plan wedding for 2027, not rushed at all.
Everyone can share anecdotes. My experience is those who met young and married in 20s have gone on to have stable happy lives together.
My dh is my person. He’s always supported me and me him. He’d never stop me doing anything. We have hobbies, successful careers and travel together and independently. I don’t think I missed out at all by not dating around.
Trust your daughter to know who she is. It doesn’t sound like it’s rushed or abusive. They sound like the can financially afford to marry and set up home. Everyone is different. I’d be surprised if my dd age 20 wanted to marry at 23 as she’s wanting to travel, live abroad and casually dates but doesn’t want a serious boyfriend. It would be a big change for her. One of her good friends is doing a nursing degree, wants to live in hometown, marry and have a baby in her 20s. I would be happy for friend if she said she was getting engaged.

I did. Still married. 39th anniversary this year. Lovely home, two high earning sons, great family and friends, some of whom married young too and were at our wedding, both retired at 60 with fully paid off house and savings. Gave both our sons house deposits. Life is great and I am glad I have shared most of it with him.

There was no NEED. There was a WANT.

Also if they want their first baby at 28/29ish that would mean about three years of marriage before TTC etc. I’d say that’s a normal timeframe of marriage before having kids.

Because they dont want to.

You also don’t know ins and outs of their finances (nor should you)
If for example they are moving into a property gifted to him by his family then marriage would mean she had legal rights rather than being a mere invited guest to be thrown out on a whim if she was a gf living there. He may have money coming to him via inheritance or a trust at a certain age or upon marriage.
They could be planning to move abroad for work where an accompanying spouse actually needs to be a spouse.
Timeline of engagement age 23, marry 24 and children age 28 seems sensible and not any cause for concern. You like him, your dd is happy, his family seem nice and treat dd well.

This is going round in circles - they may well not want to, but it would be a good idea if they did.

If she listened to her mother and who and when to marry, then hes not for her.
If i could persuade my dd not to marry a fella, id know it was the wrong thing for her.
Wild horses wldnt have stopped me from marrying dh. Wild horses wldnt have stopped dd from marrying her dh.
As it should be.
If your mother can persuade you not to marry him, then you really shouldnt be marrying him anyways.
Anyone advising me or my dd not to, would no longer be included.

People baffle me in their arrogance sometimes.

It really wouldnt. What with them being grown ass adults capable of doing what they think is righ for them.
You are just plain old wrong.

You still haven't said why though...