AIBU to feel shocked my 23-year-old daughter is marrying?

[SlothsRUs]

My 23 year old daughter has just announced that she is getting married next year.

I am completely shocked.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early.

I tried to be joyous and congratulate her but would you be happy?

I want to know why she wants to marry this young.

I know she is an adult and what she does is nothing to do with me but I am really shocked.

you could, if you wanted to, it was a priority for you and you were willing to do it without any fuss. But £200 is still a fair amount for a young couple on minimum wage (which was about £7.70 an hour at the time), as a minimum to spend.

I was just highlighting that differences exist in the way people have life experiences, and for me it would have been too young, whereas for others it wouldn't be!

I’ve been with DH since I was 19. We bought our first place together when I was 22. We both have very successful careers, have traveled all over the world and have our lovely children.

I can understand the worry but sometimes, these things do work out if you start young!

I got engaged at her age. I am now remarried to someone else in my early 30s as it didn't work out, but I don't regret it.

It depends on the individual, but I think it's extremely young to make a lifelong commitment. I don't think most people of that age know who they'll be in 10 years, let alone who their spouse will have evolved into. But I also think that marriage really isn't a lifelong commitment any more, so does it really matter? And children are irreversible but seem to cope ok if the parents stay reasonable through divorce. You can't do anything other than go along with it anyway.

One in a million chance? Please tell me you're not a statistician! I thought it was around half of marriages that end in divorce. Second and subsequent marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages.

People seem to get married either early 20’s or late 30’s-40’s. Does it matter it’s her life.

Could not agree more!

This isn’t a new thing. I got married 17 years ago at the age of 22. There was no shortage of people around me telling me I was too young, I’d regret it, that I should have experienced first. On my bachelorette weekend, we went wine tasting, and several servers at the vineyards told me that I was too young and that I should live a little first!

Still married, happy as ever in my marriage, 3 DC, I’ve lived abroad, completed my masters, travelled the world, all with the most amazing man by my side. So yes, I did ‘live a little’ but it was with him!!

I guess all you can do is get dad to explain the financial risks, talk it through calmly and explain the reality that marriage doesn't work out the way we always want it to. It is sometimes a tough conversation to have but It is ok to protect family assets. Sometimes the decent person we think we are marrying can (and will infact) take half (and sometimes more) of what we have if we are in a better financial position. However she is an adult and it is her mistake to make. Hopefully this isn't a mistake and turns out to be the start of a very happy, long marriage. Once that talk is out of the way and if she decides this is the road I am taking, then get on board. Dive into helping, get excited. Your baby is in love and believes she has found someone she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Don't let the inital conversation cloud how the rest plays out, it is normal to feel anxious about the future.

You can make that mistake at any age to be fair. Some people seem to manage to do it multiple times no matter their age.

I think it is very young to marry nowadays. The replies here are very unusual. But it's not the end of the world, OP. I got together with my husband age 15. I knew then he was the one for me. We didn't marry until age 28 but he's still the one.
If it doesn't work out, she has options.

Even if she was going to start a job in Tesco, what an attitude to an adult's life choices! I feel very sorry for that poster's daughters.

I got married at 23, and so did my mom. My husband and I have been together 13 years, and my parents have been together 41, so clearly marrying young does not automatically launch you into some tragic cautionary tale. Getting married young was genuinely one of the best decisions I ever made. We grew together, built a life together, had years of just us before having a child, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Obviously it depends on the couple, but acting like 23 is some shocking “child bride” situation is ridiculous. She’s an adult woman making an adult decision. Calm down.

I'd feel the same @SlothsRUs. I'd be surprised if my DD wanted to get married this young - and secretly maybe a bit disappointed for her. Depends on their relationship though - if they are happy to do things independently as well as together then I'd be less hesitant.

But ultimately she's an adult, I guess she can and will do as she pleases. You're right to think financially, let's hope they'll both get the appropriate legal advice advice.

I am married and childless. I was objecting to the idea that “marriage is for producing children.”

You’re being ridiculous. I know some people tend to wait longer nowadays to get married but 23 isn’t exactly young and your daughter is perfectly old enough to be certain thst she’s met her life partner. I hope you didn’t let her know that you’re shocked and spoil her excitement.

I knew my husband was the right man for me when I met him just before my 18th birthday. we started living together two months later and married when I was 21. My parents were delighted for me. Im now 68 and have never had a day’s regret.

Sensible people? Different people like different things (at different times).

That’s fine.

Are you going to pretend that cohabitation, sex outside of marriage (including casual sex relationships) and female autonomy was as common and widespread in the 60s as it is now? That the view in out of wedlock births was the same as now? That religious observance is the same?

And that’s not also adding the change in more people entering education for longer. Two incomes being required to have a nice 2 etc.

My point was that 1960s society (and before) is very different to now so it’s unlikely young marriage will become the norm unless other things change too (again.) Most people are not deliberately “waiting”. They simply have no other choice.

I know quite a few people my generation (born in the 80s) who married straight after uni and are still together.

Two of my nephews also married in their mid-20s and are still very happy with kids in their early 30s.

It's less common these days but that doesn't mean it's right for everyone to delay.

People who got married young (or what is now considered young) may be fortunate and have their marriages last for many years.
But we don’t tend to hear so much about couples who marry in their early 20s and split up 18 months later. (Although I know of several such.)
Also I recall it is, and was, quite common to talk about ‘starter marriages’ such as these, which fall apart but may be followed a few years later by ‘proper’ i.e. grown-up, marriages, so to speak.
Both types are not unusual, the starter marriages and those that take place early in a relationship and yet last.

Don't care. She would be free. My money wouldn't facilitate it.

I have higher hopes for them. Marriage at 23 isn't part of it.

YANBU. I feel like this is very young too. 20s are for finding and enjoying yourself. Not committing yourself to other people.

Don't be. They will inherit very very well.

They don't need to marry.

If she isn't getting married until next year, she will be 24 by then. It is a bit younger than common today but from what I see is that so many couples want to save up for a big expensive wedding. Others say they have kids first then think about a wedding which I find a bit hard to get my head round but I will accept that I am more traditional in my upbringing and thinking. Where I came from having a birthday anything less than 10 months after the wedding was judged pretty harshly. The OPs daughter sounds bright and has her head screwed on so OP should smile and think about a hat and outfit for the big occasion.

Do you even know if the OPs DD is white British?