AIBU to feel shocked my 23-year-old daughter is marrying?

[SlothsRUs]

My 23 year old daughter has just announced that she is getting married next year.

I am completely shocked.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early.

I tried to be joyous and congratulate her but would you be happy?

I want to know why she wants to marry this young.

I know she is an adult and what she does is nothing to do with me but I am really shocked.

Travelling to Mexico in September with husband, 2.5 year old and 5 month old.
Staying at an all inclusive resort.
Not asking anything specific, just wondering what tips/advice those of you who have done similar might have.

TIA!

I wonder if that's the influence of the wedding industry. So many people have fallen for the idea that they have to have a huge expensive wedding, so they put off marriage until they can afford that, but live together, have children, buy a home and so on beforehand. Some find out the hard way later on that the legal protections of marriage are what really count, not the wedding favours and the photos.

You need to start a separate thread for this.

Why must we always paint things as “leaving it too late” as if that is a conscious decision on most people’s part. I know precious few people lucky enough to have met their partner young (or remained with the partner they had in their early 20s past their late 20s.)

”Late marriage” is simply the end result of it being quite hard to find a quality and compatible partner.

it costs money to have any wedding, even if you don't want a big or fancy one!

In my opinion, it's stupid to get into debt for a wedding, and to prioritise a wedding over things like a house deposit, moving into a more reasonable sized home (Even if renting), or being able to pay bills and put money into savings!
At the time we had very little in the way of savings, weren't long out of being students (so hadn't lived much in the 'real world' outside of the student bubble), and had lived together for less than a year.
If anyone else was in a similar situation, I'd 100% tell them it was daft and financially irresponsible to spend thousands (or even hundreds) on a wedding if they didn't have a few thousand in savings already!

Nowadays marrying at 23 is probably on the young side. Years ago marrying young was extremely common. My Mum was 22 when she married Dad who was 26 in 1967. I couldn't imagine myself marrying at 23, I was definitely not ready!!!

No, Ireland has always had an older marriage age.

The mere fact that you live with parents alone does not constitute a "failure to launch". I will use the circumstances of my husband and his sibling as examples - his younger sibling lives at home with their spouse, has never lived anywhere else, has two children with different partners who both live in my in-laws' house. They have never contributed financially and have both been jobless for two years. In fact, I think my husband's sibling has only worked for a combined eight months total in the ten years I've know him. MIL still does their laundry and washing up and tidies their bedroom. This is what I would call a failure to launch.

When they (eventually) move out, my husband and I intend to sell our house and move in with them as they are desperate for us to live closer to them but they live in a much more expensive area, so six months to a year of intensive saving will be required to make that happen. We will pay our half of utilities and be able to lighten the load around the house instead of adding to it. My husband has not lived in their home for six years and has established himself as independent. I do not see the fact that we will be living with them as an issue, and in fact intentional multi-generational households are often very positive for all involved.

And to throw my two cents in, I think it is becoming more common in Gen Z to get married younger. We are more socially conservative generally, I would say, that millennials were at our age. I married at 20 a few years ago, and in my personal opinion younger marriage is optimal as long as you're a sensible person. I hope to raise sensible children and would actively encourage marriage in their early to mid twenties.

But you need a willing partner to make that choice together.

Save your money until the kids can remember a holiday abroad!!! Or think about climate change and don’t fly at all!!! 😜

It's making me think of The Archers (inevitably). https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p015vfs2

Yes. The poster who mentioned deliberately becoming pregnant was talking about women who choose to live with their partner and have children without getting married. Right choice for some, not for all, and the implications are not always understood until it's too late.

As someone who married at 20, there is nothing I want to experience that is prevented by being married. In fact, my husband has done nothing but enhance my life. Travel, meeting new people, all the things people are generally talking about when they say "experiencing the world" - I have been much happier doing with him. The only thing I can see might be prevented by being married is having multiple short-term sexual partners, but as that is repugnant to sensible people, I can't imagine that's what you're referring to.

You can have a basic wedding or Civil Partnership in a Register Office for under £200, I think. Sorting out the paperwork is the important bit, not a fancy ceremony or the reception afterwards.

Something which may be relevant, OP, is that you say that she did not have a boyfriend at all until her 20s.

Absolutely! Crazy how apparently us people who’ve been married 20ish years got married in a ‘different time’.

Er, the 2000s are modern times! It has been common to get married in your late 20s/early 30s for the last 2-3 decades.

Effective contraception has been available since the 60s, along with legal abortion and sex outside marriage. Social acceptance of cohabitation has been around almost as long as has a fall in religious observance. As a second wave feminist I can assure you that greater female autonomy has also been a feature of the last half century.

None of that has prevented people from getting married, albeit in smaller numbers. What is different is that Gen Z have the example of late marriage and childbearing in the preceding generation. They can see increasingly infertility and rising use of IVF added to which generational pushback against the norms of the preceding generation is as old as time.

With her lack of ambition. With the money funnelled into her education. To her shortsightedness. To her provincial thinking...

I would be very disappointed and wouldn't be paying a cent towards the wedding.

I would not be opening the champagne, nor would I hide my disappointment.

But my DDs are fully aware of my views on anything like this.

MM is an odd place. Many of these responses are completely at odds with anyone I know, personally.

But, she would be free. I would assume such an adult decision means she has the adult funds to support such a life choice. I would not be facilitating it.

I married for the first time at 23 and he was 25.

Both of us were in good full-time jobs and had left home.

It didn't work out, but that was because he cheated when he was 35 with a 20 year old.

It seems his brain was mature enough but his dick wasn't. 🙄

With her lack of ambition.

She’s about to start a PhD, not a job in Tesco.

“In my opinion, it's stupid to get into debt for a wedding, and to prioritise a wedding over things like a house deposit”

Completely agree, but you can get married for a few hundred pounds. You don’t have to have money to get married. Not everyone wants a big fancy wedding.

That happens in marriages where people get married in their 30s too. It’s not an age thing, it’s a man you can’t trust thing.

The irony in your chastising someone’s ’provincial thinking’ whilst being utterly ignorant and narrow minded.

It is very young these days, I wouldn’t want it for my child tbh- there’s still so much growing and maturing to do to know yourself. Hopefully it’ll all work out and she’ll be happy forever!

I married at 20. Still happily married 28 years and 2 kids later.