AIBU to feel shocked my 23-year-old daughter is marrying?

[SlothsRUs]

My 23 year old daughter has just announced that she is getting married next year.

I am completely shocked.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early.

I tried to be joyous and congratulate her but would you be happy?

I want to know why she wants to marry this young.

I know she is an adult and what she does is nothing to do with me but I am really shocked.

She was young, poor and in love!!! She and her husband bought a house, had children and both had careers and good work pensions.

What do you base success on?

t's definitely good for her to know what marriage is for ie family unit with kids and what the legal ins and outs are. It sounds like his family is richer than yours so maybe it's less of a risk for her to get married than for him?

so what is a marriage for if it doesn’t produce children?

Very variable depending on general lifestyle, level of education, job setup, friends etc.

Is it a case of her and her friends have decent jobs, living with partners, bought houses, checked off lots of milestones? What about her partner?
Or did she go to uni, only graduate a year or two ago, in an entry level job, living in a rented room in a HMO, still living a 'young and free' city lifestyle? What about her friends and partner?

What's the partner like, and how's their life together?

As someone who went to uni, at 23 I'd been graduated about a year, was still working a shitty job, living in a tiny rented 1-bed flat, still living a bit of a student lifestyle in terms of going out drinking, seeing friends with little notice. Most of my friends moved away for uni, and were living and working in similar situations at that age, for us getting engaged would have been unthinkable, and if we did we wouldn't have had the money to get married (and it's have been fair for parents to point that out).

My sister was engaged at about 23, she stayed with parents and worked full time at 18 rather than going to uni, and had worked a couple of decent jobs, had bought a house in a small town near my parents with her partner, and has several friends with very young children by 23, so her lifestyle fitted in with that.

Well said. I was one of those who put everything for career first and was lucky enough to have DC as an older mum. Was it the right choice? I do feel I was too extreme, and should have had a better balance in my life.

Nowadays, it really is more easy to have both, (if not at the same time). Employers are far more understanding now. We need to stop thinking "only careers will make you happy" as it's simply not true. I spent years being SAHM which has its own wonderful rewards. Of course, you need to keep finances in mind, if it all goes pear-shaped, but that's what marriage is for really.

To me it still goes back to when you know, you know. 23 is an adult. We had a house for 3 years by that point, degree educated and starting off in professional careers. Didn't have kids until our 30s so didn't "miss out" on experiences in our 20s we just got to do them and learn and grow together.

Things have changed a lot; not necessarily for the better in some regards.

What a bizarre thing to say. The woman mentioned has been happily married for over 60 years and you don't think that's a successful marriage because she was only 16 at the time of the wedding? You know nothing about any other aspect of this woman's life. She may well have been poor and uneducated at the time. Back in the 1950s and 1960s the great majority of the population left school at 15 with no qualifications and started work. A lot of them did very well in spite of that, often because they were able to study for something while working, or just by learning on the job and moving up the ladder, in a way that's much harder now.

Ours hasn’t. We had enough between us when we met. Your comment is a quite shocking swipe at women who are married and childless.

Don't see the problem she's an adult. The relationship isn't new. You said he's a good guy

You can be happily married and not have children. I didn't get married to have children. I got married because I loved my husband.

I think the dd and her fiance's decision is sensible. In contrast to the thousands of posts on here where woman become pregnant (deliberately or accidentally) without the legal protection of marriage. The woman (and it is usually the woman) gives up her career, or reduces her career potential, and then finds out years later when a relationship is ending, exactly how vulnerable she hade made herself.

Meanwhile the man has a family life, often a career that is enabled by a supportive partner. No reason then for him to get married, better to protect his own pension and assets.

I also think it is great that your dd and fiance really want to make this commitment. Yes it is a legal contract but marriage is also a celebration of joyous love and excited intention to be together and build a life together.

Um, I’m not sure whether your maths calculations are a tad off, or you just think anyone over 30 is so old you can’t relate to them, but I got married when I was 22, in 2011. Yes; it’s 15 years ago, but I don’t see myself as an old woman talking about life before refrigeration and flushing toilets. There isn’t THAT much that has changed in 15 years. This might sound crazy, but we even had mobile phones and the internet when I got married. Wild times!

Can you explain the mechanism for becoming "deliberately" pregnant?

She’s got a masters so I’m sure she’s aware of legal implications of marriage. She can take legal advice if she feels need to.

I think she is lucky to have found her person at 23.

It's for commitment to one partner, intended to be for life.

Whether or not it 'produces children' is immaterial.

I got married when I was 24 and now I'm 34 and about to celebrate our ten year wedding anniversary.

Its not even close to a normal age to get married in white British culture ,

average age is 29

yes id be very concerned but smile and wish them well

“we wouldn't have had the money to get married”

Why do you need money to get married?

You don’t need a big fancy wedding

You don’t need a mortgage

You don’t need to have children anytime soon (or at all).

I agree. I met my husband and got to know his family well over 40 years ago. I was 21 when we married and it was the best decision I ever made. I remember being very surprised when I learned how old his parents had been when they married - they were 36 and 37! Very unusual for a first marriage until quite recently. The late marriages are the blip in history, not the norm.

Could you sound anymore like you hope it will be over.

If she's happy, be happy for her.

No one gets everything perfectly.

I know plenty of 35 year old women making TERRIBLE relationship decisions because they are desperate and insecure because of their age.

And having had babies at 35 and 38 myself, I tell you it's hard to have them so, so late (physically). There are advantages but some big disadvantages too.

There is no one way of doing things.

In Ireland the average age of marriage for straight couples is 35.9 for women and 38 for men. For same-sex couples it’s 39.7 for women and 40.7 for men.

A marriage doubt it. I see no issue with early marriage but you have ignored some significant societal shifts impacting age at marriage: the existence of effective contraception, greater acceptance of cohabitation / sex outside of marriage / fall in religious observance / greater female autonomy. I cannot see marriage ages reverting to the past without these things changing too.

Making a conscious choice to have a child as opposed to a contraceptive failure.

Yeah just think of all those happily married people who chose never to have children(or couldn’t), how pointless their marriages are 🙄