AIBU to feel shocked my 23-year-old daughter is marrying?

[SlothsRUs]

My 23 year old daughter has just announced that she is getting married next year.

I am completely shocked.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early.

I tried to be joyous and congratulate her but would you be happy?

I want to know why she wants to marry this young.

I know she is an adult and what she does is nothing to do with me but I am really shocked.

I teach students of 18-21. Sometimes they talk to me of their future aspirations. Anecdotally, based purely on these conversations I'd say the prevailing winds have been blowing in this direction for quite a while. They're not talking about the big career; they're talking about marriage and children.

I'm Gen X. This was a generation of women who valued independence and focused on careers and living for themselves first, rather than prioritizing marriage. It's a generalization, I know, but it was a recognised discourse of the 90s and 00s. I married in 2008 aged 36 and kept my own name, as did the majority of women in my profession. Some had children later. Others opted not to have them at all. Then we were told that was wrong too (aren't women always?), that we were squandering our fertility and 'natural' roles as mothers, and that instead of selling out to the patriarchy, we were selling out as corporate kiss-butts instead. Younger women came along and saw the 'superwoman' phenomenon, where some women in full-time careers ended up with the bulk of the housework and childcare still laid on them and thought - probably quite reasonably - 'fuck that'.

Because, for women, it always seems to have boiled down to a choice between career OR family, and as for the spoiled harpies who wanted to 'have it all' (ie both: a thing men have always taken for granted), well that's (yawn) 'SELFISH!' And we all know that's the worst accuastion that can ever be levelled against a female because how the hell dare we?

Okay, this has turned into something of a rant. Basically it's the sort of generational shift we've seen myriad times before, and there does seem to me to be a trend toward marrying younger (and avoiding managerial responsibility in some professions too). In your shoes ,I'd actually likely feel much the way you do, but what I would do outwardly is be delighted for her and keep my opinion strictly to myself.

The economy is shot to shit and the university system dying a death so who is to say the likes of me were right and this generation wrong? The interesting question is where all this will end up.

I got married at age 21 and I am now 40, still married to the same man. I still find him extremely handsome, exciting, healthy sex life, love him to bits, and he I.

Like someone else already asked - What's your issue? Is it jealousy?

Is this the age where they need to start moving around to get PhD and postgrad opportunities and are making a pragmatic decision not to 'trail' anyone they aren't actually committed to having a future with?
Until the end of university most choices are still following the path decided while studying at home, but 23 is when moving away from your university town often happens if it is going to at all.

I was married just after my 22nd birthday a quarter of a century ago. My parents were surprised but never commented about us being too young. Lots of my other friends married in their early to mid 20s, though we were one of the first. It meant we had plenty of time to establish ourselves before feeling pressure to have children. I don't see it as an issue.

It really really isn't. I would be appalled if this were my DD. Disappointed and sad actually.

OP, YANBU

This is just anecdote though. I got married at 23, and all of my close friends from that era did too. And we're all still happily married (or widowed at the end of a long, happy marriage).

It's really only in the last very few decades that marriage/having children etc has been a much later decision. In 1987, at 30, I was the oldest in my ante natal classes. Now I'd be the youngest by a stretch, if my DD's ante natal experience experience is anything to go by.

I think that people are now recognising the downside of leaving these things late. There were a variety of reasons that led to later decisions like this, which I'm sure we're all aware of. But it seems youngsters now are recognising the downsides, and starting to buck the trend.

We have to stop treating younger adults like children. We're not doing them any favours at all by doing so.

I think 23 is young to marry after 2 years - the only couples I know who married that young are religious.

Or she was young, poor, uneducated and had low expectations. I couldn’t call that any kind of success story.

I don't know what to make of your attitude OP, you come across to me as if the whole thing is a little distasteful to you.
You are focusing on the legalities of marriage and querying her knowledge of it, do you think her knowledge of it would increase if she waited a couple more years ?
She's not a teenager and she's been with him for over 2 years which will be even longer by the time of the wedding.
It's not your business if she's happy and secure with this man so give them your blessing.
I actually think it's quite refreshing and hopeful for a young couple to make such a commitment in this day and age.
The same as a pp i also would be happy if this were my daughter , in a happy stable relationship .

OP, I’d be appalled if DS married at that age. All you can do is to be the voice of reason here.

You make a good point about the choice. Not everyone meets the right partner at such young age and those who have are not wrong to want to get committed.

Who would you be dissapointed with and why ?

If you have low expectations and you are happy with that, why is it a bad thing?

Or they say ‘Right person, wrong time’ and continue on their way. Lots more fish in the sea. It’s not the guy in your early 20s or no one.

Are they still together and living happy lives?

Seriously?

And this is how family schisms are born.

Really, OP, I don't think you can afford to be a 'voice' of anything. You cannot live their lives for them and the best thing to do for the sake of your future relationship with your child is to be pleased and supportive.

The rest of the world isn't queuing up to hear our opinions on everything, much as SM and crap like 'bring your whole self to work' might make things seem that way. It's perfectly okay to know your own mind, hold your own opinions, and keep your own counsel.

I'm sure she's done her research.
My DH and I married at 23. We weren't well off so benefited from the tax break. We were also planning on travelling, and being married gave us more rights should something go wrong.
That was 8 years ago and I wouldn't change it or wait to get married.
You need to trust that your daughter knows what she is doing. She's 23 for goodness sake!!

I can understand how you’re feeling. 23 does seem young to me. Especially when I think of the men I dated at that age vs my thirties. You change tremendously between that age and thirties but I’m probably bias as I really see no point in marriage at any age.

Yes but I think we do that. The street I live in eg, is the street I have lived in since I got married. We bought our house when we were 23 and 24 but weren't "allowed" to move into it until we got married 3 months later (catholic).

Can't believe we put up with it now but it doesn't matter, we're still in it.

AND the people who were here in this street when we bought it and then moved in, are about 80% of the people who still live here plus some of their (now grown up) children with their own families.

I swear the only people who aren't here now are people who passed away and their children are in their houses.

So this would look like the norm to me. Plus there was a house two doors down up for sale last week. My son sent it to me and said him and his fiancee were thinking of buying it, but they were off on holiday that night.

It was sold a day later so that was that.

But every single family in this street are long term married so that, to me, is the norm. My family are the same.

However, I have friends who have been divorced, some remarried, some single, but also couple friends that my huband and I have known since we were 18/30 say who are still together.

It's all anecdotal really.

I just think 23 isn't that young!

It's definitely good for her to know what marriage is for ie family unit with kids and what the legal ins and outs are. It sounds like his family is richer than yours so maybe it's less of a risk for her to get married than for him?

24 was the average age for having your first child, so I think she's going the natural way of things. Leaving it too late might mean no kids at all. It also doesn't sound like she's rushing into anything if they've been together a couple years already. Of course there's never guarantee it'll work out, but that won't change with age. Wish them luck and be happy for her!

Yep, together - but none of them would get divorced anyway.

That doesn’t mean 23 isn’t young to be marrying!

I agree with this. I think history will show late marriage and starting a family to be an aberration. Generations frequently kick back against the norms of those immediately before. In a couple of decades marriage and children in the early 20s will quite possibly be the norm once again.

And there we have it…..

It’s actually about money.

I think it shows they may know something that others don't. I'm not religious at all, but I think there's something to be said about being together no matter what, (assuming both are decent people) because life is full of ups and downs.

I think 16 is too young. 23 is normal! That said, it's really up to her and when she feels ready. Putting a cog in it will not do your relationship any good.