AIBU to feel shocked my 23-year-old daughter is marrying?

[SlothsRUs]

My 23 year old daughter has just announced that she is getting married next year.

I am completely shocked.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early.

I tried to be joyous and congratulate her but would you be happy?

I want to know why she wants to marry this young.

I know she is an adult and what she does is nothing to do with me but I am really shocked.

Snap :)

What more do you want?

It might not be the life you would choose for her but it's her life.

Yeah half the people on here seem to see marriage as a prison sentence that stops you doing much in life. If anything it's kids not marriage that restricts people.

My friend T and her husband got married at 19/21. Now in their 50s They both have good careers ( well actually retired now) and spent plenty of time travelling.( Always have). And always had a good social life including seperate friends.

The one thing they didn't have was kids

So what have they missed out on through marrying young?

I think this is gonna become more and more popular the number of 1819-year-old girls that I speak to and the only thing they’re interested in is finding a man getting married and having children
It’s as if the 90s never happened
Or maybe they have the right idea and we were idiots logging our guts out only to end up burnt out

I got married at 23, still very happy over 20 years later. It was unusual more widely then, but not so much in our circle of friends immediately after university for some reason. I think my mum was probably shocked too, but (unusually for her!) managed not to show it too much. We've both changed a lot, grown in ways that are different to what we might have imagined then, and had the highs and lows that life throws at you. But we knew that we wanted to do it all together, and we still do. I hope your daughter and her fiancé feel the same, now and in 20+ years.

I'm shocked that you're shocked, @SlothsRUs
She's grown up, sounds intelligent, her choice!

Why would you have meals out with your kids in laws?? That seems strange to me. My DDs MIL I have met on 2 occasions. Once at their wedding and another time when she popped in while I was at DDs house. DD and her husband have been married 10 years and together for. nearly 15 Nothing wrong with the woman but can't see why we would be socializing

I got married in my mid-thirties but I think it would have been nice to have been married younger and have more time child-free time etc. I don't get these posts wishing their child was looking to get married in their thirties. Some people in their thirties especially women can start to feel pressure to find someone if they want to start a family.

I read and cannot believe...I will be happy if my adult child even finds a job and a partner

I can see why it might not be what you want for her just yet but it's 100% her choice and it's your job to support her.

She's going to need Mum in the run up to her wedding.

Don't ruin a joyous time for her with negativity.

If you meet the right person, surely it's great to not have your early twenties filled with a miserable round of unsatisfying dates?
It used to be weird not to marry by this point-why not have that blissful early marriage period when you're (probably) the fittest and happiest you'll ever be? And house renting/buying/navigating careers etc will be easier with 2 wage packets. And should they want kids, it is easier when younger.
I'd be thrilled if mine married early (obviously I mean grown up, not now!) if they choose to do that.

This is just so patronising, speaking as someone who got married at 25. I lived abroad, went to too many festivals, travelled and experienced life between the ages of 18 and 25. Then after marriage I have my dream career, which takes me “around the world” regularly.

Your narrow definition of how life should be lived will not necessarily match your children’s definition.

Thank god my mum didn’t act this way when I got married. It would have completely severed our relationship. A 25-year-old isn’t a child, and you don’t know better. Just so patronising.

So she will be 24 or even 25 when she marries?

I’m only a few years older than your daughter (so same generation) and I got engaged at 24, married at 25. It’s absolutely not common these days but I didn’t feel too young at all. We both, however, do not come from money at all and didn’t have anything other than our jointly owned house. Things are different now but our life has been built together, and we have DC. Things may have been different if one or both of us had anything prior to marriage.

It sounds as though your DD and her fiance are from privileged backgrounds and there is money involved on both sides so I can see why you have your doubts. That being said, perhaps you just need to make sure that she is as protected as possible in the case of a divorce?

Agree. In my experience, wealthy families certainly have these conversations!

I married at 21 had first child at 23 second at 25 took six years out of my career. I did keep up with the industry and computer advances doing night classes. When younger was at school full time went back to work at 29. Within two years was on a par with women who'd never started a family because of their career. For me it worked out.

That was the kids not the fact you were married though surely?

I get you OP it’s pretty young.

most people I know that got married that young are now divorced and onto their second marriages

but you need to bite your tongue and keep your opinions to yourself

If he was a nice person yes I would be happy. How old were you when you married?

I was 22 when I married, 14 years ago. No kids until 9 years ago (by choice). I was fully aware of the contract into which I entered, we bought our first house together a year before we were married. Is there anything you can send her so she can read it on her own time?

I guess everyone is different. We have Christmas with our son, his partner and kids and her parents. I love having a wider “family” as it’s great for the Grandkids

But not having them is no indication on whether the couple should be married or any red flags . Besides my son in law would have to invite his mum and stepdad, his dad and stepmom ( who he has seen maybe once in 4 years) and then would be my DDs dad and his wife ( my DD hasn't seen him for nearly 20byears through choice despite living a mile from him) and me

The atmosphere would not be bloody good for the grandchildren

I got engaged at 23, granted we didn’t marry until I was 27 as we bought a house first rather than saving for the wedding, but the commitment is just the same. It didn’t shock my parents, I never considered that it would! I’m 35 now so it’s not like this was decades ago.

We married after graduating at 22 and we had quite a few friend-couples from uni who also married within a year or two - at least half a dozen couples that I can instantly remember. All of them are still married (to the same person) and - as far as anybody outside their marriage can know - are still happily so.

People are different; and the age that you are when you marry is only one of many, many factors involved.

But if she’s old enough to get married, then surely she’s old enough to understand or at least take the time to understand what that means from a legal and financial perspective.

While your concern about this stuff is valid, I think you’re placing too much emphasis on it and assuming that your daughter is going into this with no idea what she’s doing, and your focus on money is a bit weird.

Obviously you know your daughter better than we do, so we don’t know if she’s following some Disney fantasy, but at the end of the day, she’s an adult and she has to make her own mistakes like the rest of us.

She might surprise you, but you need to calm down and stop blowing this out of proportion.

I did qualify this as ‘most people I know’.

My opinion is based on my experience.

As yours is based upon your different experience.

I was 24, in 2001, so married a fair few years, it’s been fine. Better than some of my friends who were still single in their mid/late 30’s and then panicked, married in a hurry and are now divorced with young kids in their 40’s. Very glad mine are grownups! If she’s found her person, then so be it. If it doesn’t work out, then there is no shame in divorce!

Coincidentally, I was with a bunch of 20 somethings last week, they were talking about marriage/kids some of them said they wanted a family much younger than their own parents had done, because they wanted their parents to be around to be grandparents…there’s no one size fits all OP, I’m sure it’ll work out okay.