AIBU to feel shocked my 23-year-old daughter is marrying?

[SlothsRUs]

My 23 year old daughter has just announced that she is getting married next year.

I am completely shocked.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early.

I tried to be joyous and congratulate her but would you be happy?

I want to know why she wants to marry this young.

I know she is an adult and what she does is nothing to do with me but I am really shocked.

I find it slightly worrying that you are more worried about her financially than her happiness. You seem to know little about her and not to have had meals out etc with his parents after two and a half years seems odd. She is a grown woman and can make her own decisions and mistakes. My son will inherit a substantial amount at some point but never at any point did I advise him financially when he purchased a house with his partner

Well I guess strictly speaking a couple living together will also benefit from greater financial security but the poster I was responding too was saying she would want her daughter to be single when she was young. So it was a comparison of being single versus being married I suppose.

That said, I felt for me that getting married was the right way for us to truly combine and share all assets and build a secure financial life together. Pretty much everything we have ever owned has been marital property and has been done as a team, so I've never felt financially insecure. I knew I had protection should the relationship end. Some people might manage to replicate that without being married, but for me it was the right choice (married at 24 but I knew I'd marry him on our first date).

23 isnt too young, I was 24 and im only early 40's now, so not my mums generation. If she knows then she knows, what is so bad about it? The legal ramifications will still be there in 5 years time, as long as she knows about them, whats the problem

It’s brillant she has met the love of her life at 23. I got married at 23, still married 25 years later. I think getting married really old has complications too, who had more assets etc. They are starting young and building a life together. I would fully support them. Xx

We got a mortgage at 24, got married at 25, first baby at 27 and second at 31. Cannot imagine anyone finding that “too young to make a commitment”

You are acting as if she’s 15!!!

That age wouldn't bother me. The main issues are whether he's a good man and their relationship is healthy. Sometimes people put off committing at a young age because it's not the in thing to do now and they think they need to do more dating. Then they look back at previous relationships years later and realise it was their best relationship and they let it go.

I got married at 24, that wasn’t ages and ages ago and I’m middle class and it still wasn’t that unusual. Yes I was the first of my friends and most of them got married at about 30, but no one was shocked or dismayed! I find it more risky to get married later and then have children within a really short time than to enjoy being married for a good while before committing to kids.

I’d be disappointed if my DD said she wanted to get married at 22 years of age too OP. She’s done nothing with her life. Her brain isn’t even fully developed yet! But I guess all you can do is smile, nod and pray that she’s making the right decision. I’m not sure what you say to her if comes back to you in 10-years time and asks you why you didn’t stop her! (Would she listen anyway?)

@SlothsRUs if you want to make sure your DD is fully aware of her legal rights wait a few weeks, don't bring it up now when she's all giddy and excited.

I got married at 23. Still didn't have DS until I was 40 though. We had a lot of fun in our childfree years, including travelling, festivals, buying a house. There are many different ways of living a life, it doesn't mean one is worse than another.

If they are meant for each other they could be lucky enough to share a long life together. My DB has just got married at 55yo. It's sad that he and his wife didn't meet earlier in their lives because they are so happy together.

Having read update from op you obviously live in a very different world if husband has an independent income and your daughters" education was funded by MiL. You won't need to worry about the young newlyweds looking for pound coins down the back of the sofa! 🤣

But the money and inheritance issues would be the same regardless of her age. Plus, I think you said her partner's family are quite well-off so they can easily go 50/50 on finances (such as buying a house).

Before they were 30? People are seriously treating grown adults as infants. It's worrying.

I got married at 23. Not one bit of pressure. I loved him and that was that. Still do. Wasnt an "unwed mother".

I'll give you an example. We gave both our sons £20k each. For house deposits. My husband said "we need to make it clear what it's for". It was MY money. Inheritated from MY parents.

I told him to get a grip of himself as we weren't, under any circumstances, dictating to our sons how they spent THEIR money. Because as soon as it went out of our joint account, it was their money.

He was treating them as infants, not grown men.

This thread is treating a 23 year old women as a 3 year old toddler.

What would concern me was whether she would lose opportunities by getting married. Eg. Unable to follow her dream to study dolphins in Florida because he doesn't want her to. But if that's not the case, the OK. Also if you don't sense she's just swept up in the dream of the dress and the perfect day, although that can happen at any age. You have to trust her/them, I think. Pin on a smile and throw yourself into it. He sounds great - they both do. If he was a no-good bum then that would be different!

I agree it is too you g to marry as they will change but unfortunately if you want to keep the relationship open with her you have to suck it up. My guess is they want to start a family i think young people often have this idilic notion of “babies” and how it will be the perfect family etc - however we mums know the reality. I don’t think there is anything you can do except cross your fingers & toes. I really feel for you

Oh is she packing her job in too?

If this is a genuine thread. Your daughter has landed on her feet. Well educated, money from granny, money from his family. They're well set for a financially secure life.

it might last - it might not.

Exactly this. I have been thinking on this lately after my ex DP's daughter married at 22 and now has a baby aged 24. There was was/is loads of "woe is me" because she was chucking herself away and hasn't played the field and had adventures etc. However she is a well qualified young woman with a good job to go back to after mat leave and a husband who loves her. They do plenty of fun things and have travelled extensively.

Plenty of divorces happen with couples who waited and married older. And I also think that if you meet someone young and love them, and they are a good one, then it can save you from a lot of the TOTAL SHIT that comes with dating. A young man who knows he wants to be married at a younger age is unusual certainly, but maybe it's a really good thing. The few couples I know who married in their early 20s are still together, have grown together, still love each other and still having fun.

I don’t think it is! My assistant at work, 24, has two weddings this summer of people she went to uni with. We need to stop infantilising adults in their 20s.

16 year olds don"t go into combat although they can join up. Of course it's young, i hope my kids have many partners before they settle down, if at all. She should just live with him and see what happens

CloudBuster66 MiL subsidised my younger two at university unbeknown to me!

Daughter’s fiancé has family money.

We have in the past struggled financially but we live in London so our semi is nearly a million, bought for £96,000 25 years ago.

In your situation, I'd rather they cohabited for a few years if they have no desire to have a kid (or buy a house) in the near future, but if they don't do those things, it's not so hard to amicably split. You just need to be there for her if it all goes wrong.

Surely it’s not normal anymore to marry that early
It depends where in the country you live.
Four of women in my team are under 30 and married with children. One has 3 children and is a senior team leader, another one is 24 with a 3 year old. One is 29 with an eleven year old and an eight year and is starting a professional qualification.
All have nice homes that they are buying.

My brother got married at 24, they had been together for 6 or 7 years at that point and he moved countries for her. I worried he was too young but 19 years later they are very happy

I got married at that age, it was quite "old" as many of my contemporaries had married at 20 or 21. My marriage didn't last but many of my friends are still together. Op's daughter has been a legal adult for 5 years, wish her well and be happy for her.

I got married at 22 in the early 2000s - it wasn’t the olden days! It was already the norm at that time to get married in your early 30s, most people told me I was very young.

I didn’t get married because of societal pressure (there wasn’t any 25 years ago!) or because I wanted to have babies (we waited 6 years after marriage), I got married because I happened to have found the right person.