To think the daily routine is impossible. Disgusting house

[ComeOnNowww]

I want help! People's tips. I don't understand how people manage. I live in a fairly large old house.

This is my weekday routine

7am wake
7.30 - 8.30 getting kids ready for school (primary)
8.30 - 9.30 rush to office or back home to wfh.
9.30 - 5 work my arse off. Back to back meetings
5.30 pick up kids from after school
6 - 7 dinner
7 - 8 bath, bed
8 - 9 constantly put kids back to bed. Feel like tearing my hair out
9 - 9.30 basic tidy, dishwasher, check uniforms
9.30 - 10.30 try to do bits but in all honesty drink a wine and watch telly

My house is disgusting. I mean real mess. - my bathrooms are gross, dust everywhere. Im sprinting to stay still. Just about keep the show on the road but dusting, hoovering, proper cleans so hard to do

At the weekend, i do what i can. But all boys - primary school - and theyre so hyper. If I dont take them out they're out of control

What are other women doing? I dont know how womens homes look normal when they have young kids and work FT. My house is bad enough so id be embarrassed to let somone pop round. No parents. Husband MIA.

Practical tips? I feel like im missing something.

Outsource, outsource, outsource. Make your budget work so you can do so; it is worth cutting other areas to help with the outsourcing; and/or if you are going to downsize, consider it as part of your moving budget.

At a minimum, get a cleaner. It is the price of the work your H isn't doing; or, the price of you working. If you need to sell your house, it needs to be clean and you need to be maintaining it as such for viewings etc.

Then, seriously consider taking a few days off work (using precious holiday, yes, I know) and hire a declutterer. It took me years to do so, and I have now done it twice (once to start decluttering because my house was a bombsite, and the second time to declutter both for selling my house, and helping me downsize for a move into a smaller house). They both cost me £35p/h and I would do it again in heartbeat.

Also, move house into a smaller house that is easier to clean and maintain. We used to live in a big ramshackle old house. I now live in a relatively new house, which is smaller. LIFE CHANGING (and cheaper).

A couple of things that I do as a very similar routine.
I get up at 6.20 (I know very specific!) and leave the kids in bed until 7.00, they are awake but either watching tv (older one), sleeping or quietly playing with toys.
Those 40 mins are great, I have a coffee listen to the radio, unload the dish washer put a wash on and start the porridge, fold washing that’s dry and generally potter about (I make lunch boxes the night before).
Whilst the kids are eating breakfast I think about what we’re going to have for tea, and chuck it in the slow cooker if it’s something like a chilli etc
After breakfast they start getting themselves ready, it probably takes them 30-40 mins as one always has a shower in the mornings.
My older ones are self sufficient m, my 6 year old puts on the uniform I’ve left him out the night before. Our smallie gets dropped to the childminder for 8.00, and he goes there after school too.
When we get home at 4.30 the ones that haven’t had a shower in the morning, have a shower in the evening. Our 5 year old has a shower/bath every other night/morning depending on what he’s been up to. He doesn’t get one every day and I find a shower quicker, easier and lot less faff!

If you split from your husband, he will have the kids some of the time and you get a break.

Can you afford a cleaner?

Can kids stay later at wraps arrive care so you leave it to last minute to connect so you get half an hour of cleaning or cooking?

Sleep: get some headphones and fall asleep listening to podcasts. Depending on your age, try hrt for peri menopause.
Try also magnesium supplements.

This is a rain why birth rates are falling. Life is just too damn hard with kids. I was one and done, knew I couldn't cope with more.

Mine is the same OP the one thing that made a big difference is getting a cleaner. So it’s still a bit chaotic and needs a declutter but it’s clean and mentally I feel much better. It’s hard to do it all on your own with young kids. If you leave your husband he will have the kids sometimes and you will find you can keep on top of it much better.

Sounds like you could save an hour a day by getting stricter on bedtime. It's attention seeking, so don't give the attention. Once you've done bedtime once, take a leaf out of your husband's book - arse firmly on sofa. (Or you might be dusting or whatever, but whatever you're doing, if they get up, keep doing it). Say "back to bed", and don't say or do anything else. If they don't go and h complains, tell him he can deal with it. If he won't, ignore them. Make it boring for them. Maybe sometimes you could go and have your evening drink at a friend's place or down the pub, and how h deals with any bedtime stuff (after actual bedtime) is up to him. Men don't tend to put up with any nonsense of that type. Break the pattern, teach them that once they're in bed they must stay there, and at least one aspect of life will get easier. (They'll start up again as soon as you split, no question. Don't give an inch).

Do not get up earlier!
Manage your expectations. When you have two boys of 5 and 6 the house will be messy.

To help get your house clean do 10 minutes extra every day. So after whatever you normally do, pick something and do it for 10 mins.

Your home will get cleaner over ti.e.

Be kind to yourself! Youvare in the middle of possible the worst part of life, mess wise xxx

If you're having trouble keeping on top of things, it's likely that you have way too much stuff.

Start getting rid of anything that isn't essential, out-grown clothes, clutter, old or broken stuff, and be totally ruthless with it. This also applies to kitchen & bathroom.

Stick to just a few basic cleaning products - kitchen/bathroom cleaning spray, disposable cleaning cloths (like J cloths). Always have plenty of bin bags.

Flash Dustbusters are fantastic. If you have hard flooring get a steam mop. They're really fast and need no cleaning products. Just chuck the pads in the washing machine when you're done.

If the first deep clean looks impossible, maybe get a one-off clean. I would also be reading the riot act to useless husband and if he doesn't step up, then stop doing anything for him.

Concentrate only on keeping your things and your kid's things nice.

Get 2-3 plastic laundry baskets (like the plastic things you get in laundrettes). Also think about using a service wash to bag everything up and get on top of the laundry.

Once you've got the place in order, you should be able to stay on top of it in around 15-20 minutes a day.

I don’t think it is time management. I think that there are highly organised people who cannot abide any clutter or dirt. My Dsis house is a show house, she can give it a good clean in 2 hours, as she’s highly focused, naturally tidy, puts everything away after use, her children follow her, she’ll blitz a dirty kitchen in no time, children will copy you, if the house is chaos and disorganised, your whole routine will follow the same pattern.

I grew up in a hectic disorganised loving but chaotic household, nothing was put away, couldn’t find matching socks for school etc. I prioritise having the house clean, always clean clothes, socks, bedding and bathroom.

My 17 year old is hectic and unorganised. I’d imagine she’ll repeat the cycle I’m trying desperately to break.

I have no advice other than to say I feel your pain. I'm a single parent and work full time and stuff just doesn't get done. I could spend time in the evenings but honestly by then I'm so done in I just don't have the energy. My kids are teens so a bit different. They also do absolutely bugger all to help in the house which I realise is partly my fault and something I need to sort out.

I hope you manage to get rid of the husband soon. He sounds utterly insufferable. Imagine being a grown adult and just opting out of doing any parenting, how embarrassing.

Sorry you’re having such a tough time. In terms of practical tips, I’d think of it as something that can’t be solved overnight, it’ll take time, but you can do it! Also do whatever you can to preserve your hour of peace as often as possible - we can’t be on all the time.

I’d start with a full clean. Start with a list of everything that needs doing and put it into a priority list with approximate timings (ChatGPT can do a good job of this if you need/want), then look at the time needed and add 50% on top - things always overrun. Then work out how you can get that time (couple of days annual leave, couple of days off sick if that’s what it needs and it doesn’t jeapodise your job!!)

when you’ve got the clean / tidy house you want, it’s easier to keep on top of. And once you have it as you want, start with one new objective at a time. I’d probably go for instilling a rule that the kids can play in one room, if they want to play somewhere else they need to tidy the mess in the original room first. It’ll take time and you’ll feel like a nag, but after a while it’ll become habit. You’ll need to demonstrate/ help, but they will get the hang of it.

when that’s established (or whatever you decide is the priority) it’s onto the next thing… if it’s bedtimes, be clear and firm and don’t back down. It can be done with kindness and love! It will take time to adjust, but they will get the message in time - it’s boring, but you have to be relentless.

and on to the next thing again… one (boring!) job at a time.

for the bigger stuff like keeping bathrooms in good order etc. if a cleaner is an option, definitely do that. If it’s not an option, I’d either sacrifice one evening a week from your downtime (but get some good music / podcasts on, and a glass of wine at the ready), or get up earlier one morning a week to do it. Once the house is orderly (and the kids are helping as best they can) it shouldn’t take more than an hour or two a week to get the bigger jobs done. Everything else - you tidying, sweeping,
mopping, cleaning surfaces etc - is just part of the daily routine

Best of luck, hope you manage to get some order back (and that you can get your happiness back away from your husband!)

A cleaner is not a luxury for your situation. In our parents generation the man worked his 9-5 without burnout because he had wifey at home doing the housework. Now we're expected to do both?

I was a lone parent with similar aged children when I decided that rather than paying a babysitter so that I could have a night out, I could afford a cleaner for a couple of hours. I don't know how much they charge where you live but hopefully around £15-£20 per hour for a good one is realistic there.

We arranged our cleaner to come on Monday while we were out. I encouraged the boys to tidy their stuff for a quick hour on Sunday after tea "in case Sam tidies it to the wrong place and you can't find it". This reset after the weekend worked well because there's only so much mess you can make after school/work so the house stayed good until the weekend. Then we did lots of stuff together at the weekend so they were happily tired out.

You'll also find that when the man child finally leaves, the housework will reduce so much. ( Sorry your relationship didn't work out and wishing you strength in the coming months). Just wondering if the clinginess is partly down to them sensing dad has checked out and needing reassurance that you will still always be there for them.

Don’t hold yourself to these standards. Virtually no one is doing music and spelling practice before school ffs

I bet your house is nowhere near as bad as you think.

As for the kids no more water/extra cuddles when they are in bed. If it’s warm like now, they can have water next to the bed. If they get up just wordlessly put them back to bed. No interaction, hugs, story etc.

my house is only small (3 bed semi) and my husband is around but worked long hours when they were wee and my house was a shithole. It’s so so bloody hard. They won’t be 5 and 6 forever. It gets easier. Hang in there.

You need to try and make more of your time when working from home - do you take any breaks / lunch? Whilst the kettle is boiling then you can load / unload dishwasher or put a wash on - are you on camera all day? Could you dust whilst in a meeting and listening?

Boys are 6 and 8 and get themselves up in the morning, do their own breakfast and get dressed - not saying they don't sometimes need to be shouted at to chivvy them along

They have a shower when they get home from school and put their dirty uniforms straight in the washing machine - everyone does this which means I just need to turn it on

I keep a scrub daddy wand thing in the bathroom with bathroom cleaner in - i give the shower a scrub when I'm in there

Batch cook meals at weekend which reduces amount of kitchen clean up in week

I recently got an electronic calendar and put all school things on there so the boys check and see if they need pe / swim kit etc
It also has a points system on it and the kids earn points for doing jobs around the house or for doing the basics - basics being up on time, get dressed, have breakfast, make bed, open blinds, keep bedroom tidy, hang up coat and bag when in, put shoes away
They use the points for nintendo time or days out etc etc - they can save them up and get something big or use them for small things - its their choice

When pretty much single parenting I think getting the kids to help tidy up is key. It takes longer but teaching them a skill and slowly things will get tidier and cleaner. I don’t do this every evening, but before bed I get my girls to tidy their toys away with my help and then we do a quick clean. Or I let them have tv and milk and biscuits while I clean up the kitchen after dinner. It’s messy while they are young but getting up earlier does help me get more done when I need to and helps me feel calmer in the morning. As others said decluttering is key too and you can get charity collections so it is literally book a collection and then bag it up outside the door.

Thing is, you probably need a reset. Trying to find a routine while you're house is a mess isn't going to work. You need to spend a day or two properly cleaning it from top to bottom, and then your routine will be about maintaining that, not making it happen in the first place. Personally I'd take a few days of work and get it done, but if you aren't able to do that, I'd focus on getting up early or sacrificing your hour in the evening for a week. Just a week, and spend that time doing a room at a time.

Then I'd find a routine that works. And maybe it is just getting up 30 mins early and spending that time doing a different room each day. Or not sitting down in the evening until you've done certain things. Or maybe its batch cooking at the weekends so that dinner time hour can be spent sorting the house while the kids eat something you've heated up. Or telling the kids that if they won't stay in bed between 8 and 9 then they have to help with the housework....

And genuinely, start getting the kids to help where they can - they might not be much help right now, but as they get older they will, and easier if they start learning to do their bit now!

But I do think you need a reset to get the house so its in 'maintenance' mode first.

Get up earlier at 5 or 6 instead of 7. Do you have a husband?

The shower - clean it when you get out. I often do this. Shower, get out wrap my towel round me and clean the bathroom whilst I drip dry 😂

You need to look at stacking things.

Clean the shower/bath while having a shower.
Wipe down sink after brushing your teeth, with the towel if you have to. throw it in the wash.
Have a wee/ throw some bleach down/wipe around before flushing

boiling the kettle for dinner, wipe down the table while you are waiting for it to boil

before you sit down for your evening hour, give the sitting room a quick once over. before you go to bed take out any bins and straighten etc.

It is tiny micro actions that dont seem like anything that will get you on top of it all

Not everyone can afford a cleaner and everyone needs some down time.
OP my house was similar when my children were growing up. My priority was them over the house work. I still had friends round though because their houses were exactly the same!
As long it's not a health hazard and you get the basics done I wouldn't worry.

Get up earlier. You can clean your house beforehand.

have something ready in a slow cooker and use that extra time for cleaning

prioritise an afternoon on the weekend.

enforce a proper bedtime routine and don’t allow your children to run the show.

your life sounds busy, but no busier than most people’s. I find very very limited amounts of excuses for filthy or untidy houses acceptable tbh. It should be a priority.

I have no magic suggestions for you to have more time in the day, especially with a useless husband. But listening to audiobooks/podcasts in my wireless headphones really helps me clean and tidy.

It's so tough esp when doing it on your own @ComeOnNowww

I cant claim to have fully hacked it but for me its little and often.

Namely:

• 10 mins timer in the morning when kids eating (I prep my breakky the night before) and 10 mins after I've cleaned kitchen at night to do a mad clean. That adds to over 2 hours a week!

• Cleaning products in each bathroom and I do one part of a bathroom a day. I.e. a sink one day, bath the next. Easy to wipe around sink or toilet when kids in bath

• Vacuum one room a day with cordless vac

• Cook double of what I need each night and freeze the rest to free up time

• Have a list as long as arm of 2-5 min jobs such as sewing buttons on, glueing a toy, wiping fridge out etc, all written down, and I choose one each evening. If low energy I pick something to do in front of tv

Could you get a cleaner in to come and for half a day as a one off and give you a head start?

First of all, I hope you're not doing anything for your useless sack of a husband. If he doesn't do anything round the house, then no dinners or laundry for him!

If you can, take a day to blitz the place. One big reset. Take a day's leave or send kids to a friend or grandparent to give you time for a good clean and declutter.

Have a routine e.g. how we do it is Sunday is wash day, Tuesday putting dry laundry away, and ironing if needed, Wednesday dust and hoover, Thursday bathroom cleaning. Towels changed weekly. Beds changed every 2 weeks.
Kitchen wiped daily. Just a bit every day helps us keep on top. Clean fridge out once a month.

Get those kids used to staying in bed and not faffing around! Would a reward chart work? Also, get them roped into some simple chores - tidying away toys, pairing socks.

Batch cooking and easy meals. If you make something that can be frozen, make extra and then it can be defrosted when needed.

Hopefully there will be light at the end of the tunnel for you soon!

Tbh sounds like a lot of time unaccounted for. I do a lot of jobs whilst working throughout the day like putting a wash on, actual cleaning I’ll do on my lunch break instead of taking a lunch. When my husband works from home he’ll do jobs too or walk the dog. Then when I pick my daughter up I’ll tidy as we go along and do as much as I can do so I don’t have to do as much after she goes to bed. When one person does bed time, the other cleans.

I’m a SAHM with 2 young kids so appreciate that I have it nowhere near as hard as you do but I did used to really struggle with tidying, cleaning, routines etc and my home was a mess all the time. Do you use your phone a lot? This was a huge thing for me, when I’m using my phone frequently and scrolling, my brain just can’t focus on anything else. Even when I put it down, I just can’t see the wood for the trees with housework or kids routines etc. Other than that, I did an aggressive declutter, I just threw away anything that wasn’t used daily or didn’t bring any value to the home. Including kids toys, no random toy pieces etc, I kept only toys that gave some kind of developmental advantage and didn’t have hundreds of pieces that the kids just threw around the house. I did laundry most days even if there wasn’t a full basket and split my basket into clothes that can be thrown in the dryer and those that can’t rather than darks/whites so now I can just throw the majority of clothes in the wash and straight in the dryer. Bathrooms you can clean as you use them. Spray and scrub the shower either before or after you have a shower, cleaning around the sink after you brush your teeth etc. I left a cleaning spray and cloth in each bathroom so it took the mental work out of it. Making sure everything has a place and it goes back there. Kids things ready by the door for school. Easy breakfast for the kids that require little preparation and little clean up. If you can afford it I would recommend getting a cleaner in just once to get everything cleaned up and then you just have to keep on top of it. It doesn’t require full deep cleans every day, just keeping up with each area whilst you’re using them. Hope that helps, you’re doing great, 2 young boys, a full time job and useless husband is not easy