Friend invited her friends to my birthday meal

[Donotfitin]

For context I haven’t celebrated my birthday in many years (and have never celebrated my birthday with these friends). Anyway, so one of my friends messages me today and says her friends are visiting and if they can come. I said it was fine, but I’m not necessarily happy about it. So AIBU for thinking she shouldn’t have asked? (She was very aware I haven’t celebrated my birthday in 10+ years).

That’s not an excuse, it’s a lie.
So culturally you can’t say a simple No, but it’s fine to lie?

Then why not say that?

Basically yeah! So my middle ground is that I rarely say no.

“Middle ground” AKA “worst of both worlds”.

Why is everyone talking about being put on the spot? The friend texted OP. That's the opposite of being put on the spot. You have time to think, discuss, compose a reply and send. There's no excuse for not saying what you mean.

This one is on you OP 🤷‍♀️

She said several pages ago that she doesn't mind him coming, but does have concerns about him being a "liability" based on their last night out and is aware that he and her friend a going through a rough patch.

It doesn't sound like she's said to her friend "please bring Bob" or "please don't bring Bob" more than she's left it fairly open ended given the circumstances. Without knowing the dynamics of her friendship group (it sounds like the venue is able to provide more space if required) we have no idea of this is appropriate or not.

We have another poster coming in saying OP should have lied and told her friend there were no tables left. So are we allowed to tell white lies or not?

Saying "Bob is welcome to come but..." and addressing the concerns in a diplomatic way is an approach I would recognise far more in day to day life than "just letting you know that we've invited other husbands but we haven't mentioned Bob because we think he might ruin the night and the two of you don't seem to be getting on anyway." If OP's friend is genuinely having a rough patch with Bob, I'm not sure that approach is the kindest (or one I would use in the same situation).

I think that’s down to the individual. If she had called me I wouldn’t have been able to hide how I feel so I wouldn’t have been honest.

Just make sure they're not expecting you to pay for everyone!

Oh no, one is from my same culture and I’ve been out to the birthdays of the other two, and everybody has always paid for their own bill

I’d never leave friends I was hosting alone in my house while I buggered off out, unless they were regular visitors. If they had come from abroad for a few days it would be quite rude to desert them. I’d also feel horribly awkward if I’d gone a long way to stay with friends and they left me alone, unless it’s the kind of set up where you were just using their home as a base and no hosting was expected.

I’d choose option B in this instance, or if the birthday friend was easy going and it was an informal meal I’d go with option A.

To be fair I’ve never not included her husband (if my husband is with me) so in theory why would this time be any different?

This time you haven’t included her husband?
Pretty big difference, I’d say.

You're using quite emotive language there: "buggered off out."

I see it as honouring an invitation you had already accepted.

Put it another way. My university friends are all over the country and we spend occasional weekends together. If for example, the trains were cancelled on the Friday and I had to travel on the Thursday, I wouldn't assume that the host should need to cancel whatever prearranged plans they already had in place. Nor would I expect to tag along to a birthday meal for someone I've never met.

My point being because we always hang out together as couples, I can’t remember the last time I had to say “oh your husband is obviously invited”.

So her friend is one more in a group who don't all know each other. Why is it fine for all the other people who don't know each other to attend but not your friend's friend.

Because it’s my celebration, my birthday. And how I feel about interacting with other people. I can handle one new unknown (my friends husband) - at least I know some background story and most importantly he’ll most likely become part of my circle. Her friends, I have no idea who they are and will never see them again.

Your assertive enough and have clear reasons and rationale for your position on here. So time to transfer it to real life.
You are going to have to say that to her or you are going to have to deal with her friend coming in a friendly way.
Or you could ruminate on why your friend isn'ta mind reader, ignore any advice given that you asked for, have an uphappy birthday because of this, put a strain on a 3rd of all the friendships you have and wait another 10 years for a birthday meal.
The choice is yours.

Because it's OP's birthday celebration.

Maybe you'd be happy to have two people you've never met before and will most likely never meet again at your birthday celebration (noting this a meal for a small group of people), but personally I wouldn't.

You don’t sound like a very good friend.

I don’t even know why you invited her in the first place.

You don’t want her DH coming, even though everyone else will be with theirs and you don’t want her bringing her friends, even though you knew they’d be visiting.

Why not just meet her separately on a different day.

I would say YABU as you should have said no and enforced your own boundaries.

I personally would have been fine with them coming as I enjoy meeting people.

Can you explain exactly why OP is a bad friend?

OP didn't arrange the meal to coincide with her friends plans. The friends are now arriving earlier. Had they arrived on the date they had originally planned, there would be no issue and this thread wouldn't exist.

I do think OP needs to address the elephant in the room and speak to her friend about her husband, but it sounds like he made a tit of himself the last time they all went out.

In case anyone is interested I messaged her with the “don’t worry spend time with your friends” had a lot of pushback and had to ultimately openly tell her I’m a socially awkward person and didn’t want them there (nothing personal)

Well done for actually expressing yourself at last!