Friend invited her friends to my birthday meal

[Donotfitin]

For context I haven’t celebrated my birthday in many years (and have never celebrated my birthday with these friends). Anyway, so one of my friends messages me today and says her friends are visiting and if they can come. I said it was fine, but I’m not necessarily happy about it. So AIBU for thinking she shouldn’t have asked? (She was very aware I haven’t celebrated my birthday in 10+ years).

But that's the point, OP has said she isn't going to enjoy herself with two random people at her birthday meal and neither should she be expected to.

FFS.....

Which is why she ASKED and took you at your word when you said YES!

But when asked, she agreed to them coming.....so how on earth is the the friend supposed to know that she is pissed off.

I think this really depends. OP has said she didn’t want the friend to drop out which maybe, from the friend’s perspective, the alternative.

I’d much rather be asked by a friend than have them assume and drop out. Not asking takes my agency away.

I’d be annoyed at her prioritizing them over me, I think. But it’s the prioritizing that would piss me off, not the asking which is a little rude but still gives you agency.

But if she already knows a) it’s a small get together

b) I don’t like socialising (and agonised over organising this meal)

she knows I wouldn’t like having randoms at my meal, so why even ask?

Say "no" then... and she hasn't actually booked a seat at the table for this friend anyway.

A lot of posters seem to have completely missed the "AIBU" here and have jumped straight into attacking OP for how she handled the situation (and gone off on random tangents about whether the friends husband was or wasn't explicitly invited). What OP actually asked was:

Anyway, so one of my friends messages me today and says her friends are visiting and if they can come. I said it was fine, but I’m not necessarily happy about it. AIBU for thinking she shouldn’t have asked?

Because she’d have to cancel otherwise. She’d hardly feel comfortable going out for the night leaving her visitors at her house when they’ve come to see her.

Rock and hard place!

Yabu, she asked you a question, and you can say no. You don’t have to feel awkward about saying no. I’d find this quite exhausting and high maintenance having to read between the lines. Just say, “actually I’ve not celebrated in 10 years and I really want to see just you; on second thoughts would they be ok entertaining themselves for the evening?” I love it when friends communicate at face value and don’t take things personally, it’s so refreshing and freeing.

Because, as you have already admitted, she also knows that you would be pissed off if she cancelled.

So by your own words, nothing she can do is right!

Cancel....you are pissed off.
Ask if her other friends can join, and you say yes....you are pissed off.

Can you really not see how amazingly unreasonable you are being here?!

Well clearly not but if you want to have any friends at all, you should do some self reflection because all this would have been solved if you had said "I would rather not, sorry". End of problem.

Because most of us live in 'broader context world' and not 'singular issue world'. And to be fair, the OP has brought in lots of broader context to make her case, so she's not sticking to the original question either is she?!

And I do think that SIBU to think that her friend shouldnt have asked! Friend was stuck between two sets of friends and asked if they could come, thereby keeping both sets happy. And in asking she will have known that the answer could well be "no" and then gone on from there.

The only person creating drama here is the OP!

Thinking further, YOU know that you wouldnt like randoms there, so why say yes?!

You really cant take any responsibility for your own actions can you?

Is there a pattern that every mistake/fuck up you make is someone elses fault?

OK for everyone piling on OP:

Say you were hosting a group of friends Friday and Saturday night. The friends tell you they're now planning to come on Thursday night, but you'd already accepted an invitation for a birthday meal for another friend from a different group. Would you consider your only two options being a) to ask if you can bring your friends along or b) cancel? Not c) say to your friends "That's great you're coming earlier! Just to let you know, I do have plans on Thursday night but I'll make sure everything's set up for you." The latter option means letting no one down, since none of the originally agreed plans between friends need to change.

I was with you until I read this. This is pretty poor. If your friend does come, she will be shocked when she sees the other husbands. And she will immediately twig that hers was deliberately not invited.

He’s always invited apart from this time where he definitely isn’t, and actually neither you nor your husband want him there.

I’m sorry to say this OP but it’s all a bit bonkers and it all sounds like utterly hard work.

I do get what you are saying and if it was me I would choose C. But the point is that the friend, for whatever reason, asked if her other friends could come, OP said "Yes" and is now pissed off with the friend for asking in the first place.

She could, and should, have (as teachers say) used her words. "You know I am not comfortable with people I dont know, so am going have to say no, sorry". But she didnt, and is now blaming her friend for the result! Its not the friends fault that the OP wont communicate her true feelings.

Out of curiosity, I asked ChatGPT what they would recommend in this scenario and their advice wasn't far of this...

I am hosting a group of friends Friday and Saturday night. My friends have just told me they're now planning to come on Thursday night (can't change it), but I've already accepted an invitation for a birthday meal for another friend from a different group. What should I do?

The key question is: which commitment came first, and how difficult would it be for each group if you changed plans?
Based on what you've described, you've already accepted the birthday meal invitation before your friends decided to arrive a day early. That gives you a reasonable basis for keeping the birthday commitment.
A practical approach would be:
Keep the birthday meal.
You made that commitment first.
Birthdays are usually tied to a specific event and date.
Your friends are extending their visit, not arriving on the originally agreed schedule.
Be upfront with the visiting friends immediately.
Tell them you're delighted they're coming Thursday too, but you already have a prior commitment that evening.
Let them know what time you'll be available afterwards (if applicable).
Make Thursday work around the meal if possible.
Could they arrive before you leave and settle in?
Could you join them after the meal for drinks or a nightcap?
Could someone else help welcome them if they're staying with you?

Ignoring for one moment that this is quite the drip feed…

Ignoring the fact that your friend didn’t actually invite her own friends, she asked you first and you said yes…

It’s bizarre to me how you can’t be honest to her, both in terms of not extending an invitation to her husband (all you’d have to say is “I’m sorry but given the situation with your husband, I can’t invite him and I’m sure you understand”) but also when she asked about bringing her friends

You seem to want to have your cake and eat it too

Also given the situation with her husband, which is quite traumatic, maybe she needs some extra friends at your party cause she could be feeling wobbly, birthdays do that to people. Maybe she doesn’t want to turn up alone. Would it hurt being a bit more empathetic to her?

It can be hard to say "no" for various reasons (being put on the spot, feeling under pressure, not wanting to upset) but just because OP said "yes" doesn't mean the question wasn't rude or inappropriate to ask in the first place.

As mentioned upthread, I just can't imagine a scenario where anyone in my friendship group would ask if they could bring some randoms to someone else's birthday meal. The concept just feels quite alien to me, which is perhaps why I'm struggling to understand why OP is getting such a hard time.

Just relax and go with the floor OP. It's nice to have a lot of people to celebrate your birthday with you. Try to enjoy it.

Could you in future just say what you really mean? It might be far less complicated.

All of your follow-up posts amount to:

"She should have known that when I said yes I meant no".