Friend invited her friends to my birthday meal

[Donotfitin]

For context I haven’t celebrated my birthday in many years (and have never celebrated my birthday with these friends). Anyway, so one of my friends messages me today and says her friends are visiting and if they can come. I said it was fine, but I’m not necessarily happy about it. So AIBU for thinking she shouldn’t have asked? (She was very aware I haven’t celebrated my birthday in 10+ years).

I didn't notice OP moan she has no friends?!

Well this has all taken an usual turn. It's you who is now being rude by not explaining to your friend she is invited to your birthday get together where she is playing gooseberry!
If you don't want her bringing the friends then that's fine, tell her, but also you should check she is aware that she is the only one going alone and that her husband is/is not invited (I am not sure exactly whether he is or not).

Because not everyone likes socializing in big groups/strangers especially on birthdays

I think you should have told her who is coming, I’m not autistic and I’ve a friend who does this and I abhor it, turning up and I feel unprepared.

i think her friends are coming early, she feels she can’t leave them so has politely asked if you mind, as she doesn’t wish to disappoint either side.

if you really can’t take it, just cancel and say you will find another date. Don’t say why, as it will be very uncomfortable. Just say you’re not well and cancel before the fee is due.

if it’s too late and everyone has paid, you need to just suck it up, you said yes,

Very weird

Yes - but what are the circumstances? Why is she in this position? Are they friends from abroad she hardly ever gets to see and this is a huge opportunity for her and them? Family and it's an obligation (that she may not even be that happy about)? Someone who has gone through a really hard time recently or is vulnerable in some way and this is a break that's important to them? Or just someone she barely knows who she's agreed to host for other friends? Friends who come every few months and she could have easily rearranged? etc.

Of course some of that may not be information you're privy to, so might base it more on what seemed most likely given past behaviour.

None of the elaborate backstory changes the fact that it's rude to ask if random people can come to someone else's birthday meal because you've ended up with a scheduling problem.

I'm genuinely surprised by how many people seem to think this is socially acceptable.

I'd be fascinated to see the responses if the post were instead: "I'm hosting friends this weekend, but they're arriving a day early and I'm supposed to be going to a friend's birthday meal that night. They don't know each other. AIBU to ask if my friends can come along too?" I suspect the answers would be very different.

It’s also rude not to explain who else will be attending.

No, her friends are old friends she hasn’t seen in maybe years maybe months I do t know! All I know is that they live 6 hours away and are very old friends

Agreed (if OP is deliberately withholding that information), but that isn't the topic of this thread.

Its not really, she was out of order asking and I understand its put you on the spot if it was in person/phone.

But it’s really bad form to just let her turn up without knowing. You’re making all kind of assumptions. I used to get awfully upset to be excluded from family gatherings when my DCs were very young and be fobbed off with “Oh we thought you wouldn’t be able to get a sitter”. That was my problem to sort a babysitter, not their place to assume.

You should have invited him regardless, or else told her explicitly that you’d rather he didn’t attend and why.

Ahmmm I don’t know if I can tell her “hey we love your husband BUT last time he was with your friends he ended up getting a restraining order and in hospital, and well right now we know he’s waiting to be summoned to court because well he couldn’t control himself”.

Be brave op and text her and say actually on second thoughts I’d honestly prefer if it’s just my close friends that I’ve invited

If that's what happened the last time you were out then all the more reason to have said to your friend that you won't be extending the invite to DH because you want a fun, relaxed environment with your friends on your birthday.

But I'm slightly confused as to what's actually happened. Do you normally go out as couples and if so, how has this birthday invitation been positioned to your friend? It sounds like her husband hasn't been invited, but also that his lack of invite hasn't really been addressed. If you normally go out as a couple, is she likely to be surprised and/or offended when she sees other husbands? Or would she understand why you didn't invite hers based on what happened last time?

Only you really know the answer to this based on tbe dynamics of your friendship group and the relationship between your friend and her husband.

My husband and I think that she’ll get why we didn’t openly invite him (not excluded him). She does know we socialise as couples (we always do) and when we go out without them is completely without them, so given she knows my DH the default
would
be that her husband is invited too.

So in theory, she could bring him along if she wanted to?

PP have jumped on him being excluded and her going solo (despite others not doing the same) but it sounds like the ball is in her court to decide. Is that right or have I misunderstood?

Absolutely! Given he’s in the doghouse I doubt she’d bring him, but on the same token given it’s a known fact my DH will be there she knows her DH would be invited. Like I said, we either socialise as couples or solo.

So for example, they’ve been to our DS birthday party, my eldest daughter party, etc… and the expectation has always been that her DH would show up.

I wonder how many people the table is booked for?

Officially for 6, but I know the restaurant owner and asked if we could add seats if needed and she said it wasn’t a problem. The friend in question was never super sure if she could attend anyway, and I didn’t want to pay for her no show.

You seem to have a poor friendship, honestly. You haven't booked for her to attend and certainly not for her husband who you think you did/didn't/did invite because it should just be assumed.

Not really, I just know her and know she can be flakey. I’ve don’t her a lot of favours over the years (and appreciate her!) so I’m definitely not a bad friend.

You should have said this when she asked. "Sorry, it's just an intimate dinner with my closest friends".

@Donotfitin at least she didn’t cancel because her friends were visiting, many would have. She’s tried to accommodate everyone. Give her a break and enjoy yourself.

But she already knows this!