Friend invited her friends to my birthday meal

[Donotfitin]

For context I haven’t celebrated my birthday in many years (and have never celebrated my birthday with these friends). Anyway, so one of my friends messages me today and says her friends are visiting and if they can come. I said it was fine, but I’m not necessarily happy about it. So AIBU for thinking she shouldn’t have asked? (She was very aware I haven’t celebrated my birthday in 10+ years).

None of this seems like a her problem. Is she expected to be a mind reader? If she knows you don’t like these things, why can’t you say no to her?

YABU op, she asked a question that you could have replied yes or no to.
You replied yes so you can’t really complain.

Because it was a never ending saga (and she got offended in the end) when in reality I just don’t feel comfortable in a lot of social situations.

Quite and there are situations and situations aren't there?

This is a birthday dinner, it's not saying 'no' to a family member in dire straits who is asking for money, or 'no' to an elderly parent wanting to come and live with you, or 'no' to a child who wants to go on a school trip that you can't afford.

It's one night out for a birthday meal. If you can't say 'no' to that then you need to be looking inwards as to why that is, not blaming the friend for asking because they should 'know' that, based on previous experiences, that you are very rigid about your social arrangements. The friend was acting perfectly normally.

The onus is on you to enforce your own boundaries. That's how life works!

Why are you complaining? She asked, you were given the opportunity to say no but instead, you said it was fine!

If you’d said no and she then pulled out of the meal, would that have annoyed you?

I don’t think it’s perfectly normal to suggest bringing other friends along to a birthday dinner of someone who struggles with strangers in social situations. Why do it? It’s okay to suggest it to someone who’s the more the merrier type but OP is obviously not like that. The friend put her on the spot and she caved because she didn’t want to upset her.

OP just message her to say that you’d prefer to see just her. If other people are coming does it matter if friend doesn’t come and has to entertain her friends? You don’t have to fall out with her about it. People are allowed to have boundaries including you.

Of course! And I’m sure that what would have happened

Why would that upset you, because she’s putting other people above you? She’s breaking a promise? She doesn’t seem to know you very well? It was her idea and now she’s reneging when you wouldn’t have had to arrange anything at all and therefore wouldn’t have had these upsetting (at least for you) complications. It might help you to work out exactly what is upsetting you.

Exactly! and on second thoughts I think I’d prefer not have her at all, than have the extra people.

I did warn her that this restaurant charges for no shows, so they’d have to be certain they’d go.

But husbands are going that the OP doesn't know - she said that. So why wouldn't the friend think that if 'stranger' partners are going that she couldn't also ask about her friends that the OP already knows are visiting at the same time?

I think it's normal if other strangers are going to ask if 'your' strangers can attend as well. Otherwise it's a bit egregiously hypocritical.

They’re only going because my husband is with me (and by stranger I mean my other friends husband). We’re friends with the other couple coming to celebrate

Well she couldn’t win either way, could she? She could hardly leave visiting guests on their own to go out for a meal without taking them with her.

Sorry it sounded like there were more people and that they were all bringing partners. So it's you, your husband, a friend and her husband (who you don't know) and then this friend? Five people?

You're spectacularly missing the point. As hard as it may be, it's still down to you, and only you, to set your own boundaries. It's not reasonable to be angry at others when you find yourself unable to do so.

So let me recap.....

You say yes when you really mean no and then get annoyed when your friend doesnt figure that out?

Poor cow cant win can she?
You say you dont have many friends, you will have one less very soon if you carry on like this. What a diva!

No it’s:

Friend A + Husband (have never met him) - she’s a relatively new friend but we clicked immediately (she also sent me a lovely birthday message)

Friend B + Husband (we’ve been friends with both for years)

Friend C (I didn’t tell her about the husband because as much as we love him, they’re going through a rough patch) - she’s the one who’s bringing the extra friends.

Friend A has met Friend B

Friend B had met Friends A + C

Friend C and friend A have never met

plus my husband and I.

Hang on, you said right before this post that you'd be angry if she decided not to come. Which is it?
You can't have it both ways.

Well my initial reaction would definitely be been of annoyance but on second thoughts, I’d rather that disappointment than having to socialise with “random” people that ill
never see again.

Think I’d have said - if you have friends down let’s leave it this week and we’ll find a date next week to celebrate.

totally fine to not want her friends at your little bash - but she’s not a mind reader and you should have just been honest that you really didn’t want to make it a bigger event with other people.

I'm more confused now, what does: 'I didn’t tell her about the husband because as much as we love him, they’re going through a rough patch' mean? You didn't tell her she could bring HER husband? So she was originally coming alone?

You assume she ‘knows’ a lot, but honestly I doubt she gave it that much thought. She had plans with you, now she has friends visiting. To her it’s likely not that deep, although to you it is. Even if you’ve told her things in the past, that doesn’t mean she will apply that to your birthday meal. She asked, you said yes

OP are you autistic?

I only ask because I am and you sound a lot like me. Not too many friends, dislike most people, maybe some level of social anxiety, saying things i regret when put on the spot and of course, really not coping well when the plan i have in my head is changed (even if it's my own fault).

If so, I get it!
I think if your friend is a good friend then she will understand if you go back to her and say 'actually I'm getting really nervous/ worried/ fucked off about having people I don't know there. I understand if you can't make it without them"

Yes, she was coming alone (just like I did!) to her birthday get together.